Sunday, September 25, 2005

Scurra, stupified by Hussain, bored by Willis, 1

For the benefit of those readers (a Mrs Trellis of North Madagascar) who do not reside in these isles, I am sorry to report that today is the last day of summer. We mark this occasion by declaring an end to the cricket season. From the moment the copy of Wisden arrives on the doormat in April to the dark evenings of September, England is showered in sunshine, the populace adopt a cheerful disposition, flowers bloom, birds sing and hedgehogs copulate noisily beneath my bedroom window.

We spend our days drinking in the soothing tones of Messrs Benaud and Holding, and following the progress of Messrs Hick and Crawley to their inevitable centuries via cricinfo.com, or by teletext for the paupers.

My friends at Sky Sports chose to prepare us for the winter nights to come by having Willis and Hussain commentating on this afternoon’s game. Never in the annals of human history has someone been so unsuited to his chosen profession as Mr Willis and commentating, at least since Frankie Howerd retired from boxing. The drone of his voice causes the flowers to shrivel, the birds to migrate and all mammals to hibernate. I spent some time this afternoon having my soul sucked out by his excruciatingly dull voice, interspersed by the ruminations of Nasser Hussain, whose inability to say anything interesting in no way inhibits his practice of talking. Next summer will indeed be dull when we have to listen to these people instead of our friends on Channel 4.

Anyone following cricket in England during the 1990s will have despaired as sides led by Gooch, Atherton, Stewart and Hussain produced some of the dullest, negative, dreary and soul destroying rubbish ever witnessed on a sports field. Now these ambassadors of crap are deemed fit to be knowledgeable commentators on the current generation of entertaining and joyful players. It is high time that these purveyors of the tedious were found a home somewhere, where they could no longer feed on the élan of the rest of humanity.

5 comments:

Vicus Scurra said...

I have been attacked by spammers, and therefore enabled the verification software.
Contributers are encouraged to provide a definition, or acronym interpretation for each word.
qzdrlrm. a pharmaceutical used in the treatment of brewer's droop.

dataphage said...

Being in Oz that probably means I will limited to syndicated output from the dirty digger too. Curses, channel 4's feed over here was a breath of fresh air.

broomhilda said...

Gmbusd - a trap used to catch, clean, butcher and grind spammers. Thus enabling one to prepare them with eggs.

Geoff said...

There are two Indian restaurants in the street in which I work. One has a signed photograph of Gary Lineker in the window. The other has one of Bob Willis.
Lineker is in close up and is smiling. Willis is in full-length and looks ill at ease.

hedzhno - talzhyes?

Merkin said...

There is a natural home for the monotonous has-been commentators - the "New" Channel 5 highlights cricket programme that starts at the same time as Sky's predictably dire money-no-object version.

wtvvl- "Which totty Vicus version leering". Crap - but i'm in a hurry. sorry.