Thursday, February 09, 2006

TCM again

Regular readers (AMToNW) will be grateful to know that although I have not been publishing details of my research, I have been keeping a close watch on those people who enjoy the description ‘scientist’, and making sure that their machinations to mislead us continue to be as ridiculous and bizarre as ever.

I will briefly cover three items that are currently being paraded as the fruits of methodical research, but are actually little more the babblings of the deranged.

  • In the Telegraph, some bright spark has been investigating why we have two nostrils instead of one. Pause for loyal reader to wrap their mind round that one. They have come to the bizarre conclusion that it is in order to produce a stereo effect, and therefore help us to trace the source of a smell, by doing some trigonometrical calculation. Bollocks. Had God, in His Infinite wisdom, wanted to imbue us with stereophonic ability (and bear in mind that most of us could only afford Dansette record players when we were growing up), he would have put an extra organ to detect smell on the end of our fingers. It would make the calculation far more straightforward, and would have helped us in the days before the power of the Intel chip. No, the real reason is as follows. Presuming that the combined size of the nostrils is about right (some of us are more prominently proboscisularly endowed than others), then to give us only one nostril would have meant that we would have been subject to invasion by unwanted visitors. Small colonies of chaffinches would be able to nest nasally. In order to prevent this, nose hair would have to be the consistency of barbed wire. So, sod off, Mr Scientist. God knew what he was doing.
  • At livescience.com, they have been researching the properties of semen. They have chosen to measure it in terms of teaspoonfuls, a typical ejaculation being half a teaspoonful. Now, I recognise that is valid to present these data (if there is such a need) in terms of concepts that can be assimilated by the human brain. Even during the excesses of adolescence, to measure semen in terms of bathtubs full would be unhelpful. But why, in the name of buggery, the teaspoon? I can only counsel my readers to avoid taking repast at the home of a member of the scientific community, particularly if cutlery is involved.
  • As I compose this little essay, the BBC is doing one of its Horizon programmes, in which various eccentrics are allowed airtime to propound their delusions. The proposal at the heart of this little entertainment is that 96% of the universe is missing. Yes indeed. Another pause called for, I suggest. And take as long as you like. The obvious question is, where are we going to put 96% when some fucker finds it? My house is already overflowing with stuff that I don’t need. The wailing and moaning of Mrs S can be heard as far afield as Shropshire when she goes off on one of her “When are you going to get rid of that pile of …… that you never use?” episodes. I know. I know that it is the nature of men to hoard things. I am too old and seasoned to alter my behaviour, even though I know that if I were to lose on of my CDs of Carl Stamitz clarinet concertos, I might never notice, even should I live to be 98. But even I could not cope with having 25 times as many books, DVDs, CDs, software packages, socks, remote control devices and whatevers as are already in my possession. So I say that if 96% of the universe is missing, GOOD! it means we don’t have to fucking clean it. I have been concentrating mainly on this composition, and have only picked up fragments of the utterances of the Horizoneers, but they have been soothsaying about “dark matter” (fuck off), “about to discover something that didn’t make sense” (I fucking told you), “the universe is speeding up” (fuck off), “this didn’t fit with the current physics” (I fucking told you). I am not a cruel man, but I do wonder whether we would have all been better off had it been the tree that had fallen on old Isaac, not just the apple.

13 comments:

tom909 said...

Vicus, you are truly a witty fucker when you get going on one of your rants. But sorry, I do have to take issue here and take this opportunity to defend science and scientists. I once had a science teacher with absolutely enormous tits and I can tell you now, a teaspoon would have been a hopelessly inappropriate measuring device in that classroom, that's for sure.
To this day I have not forgotten the apparatus, method, result and conclusion of those glorious lessons. On a balmy summer's afternoon studying the finer points of this wonderful subject etc etc.

Vicus Scurra said...

Tom, please avoid phrases like "taking issue" when the topic involves sexual activity.
There are some visitors here who are not above indulging in smut, and I do not condone any posting that encourages them.
I would post the name of my first chemistry teacher, but will not because:
1) of the indulging in smut rule
2) She is most likely still alive, and has had to bear that name for many years, probably still trying to interest pubescent nerds in the theories of chemistry, and has therefore suffered enough.

Vicus Scurra said...

And to clarify, should anyone misconstrue my meaning, I do not hoard socks. Mine or anyone elses. Clean or dirty. Not even Goldie Hawn's.
I was just chosing some commonplace possession of which I might be viewed to have an overabundance.
I'm glad we sorted that out.

Gorilla Bananas said...

Dian Fossey persuaded a few gorillas to make sperm donations. She stored their semen inside the heads of decapitated Barbie dolls, so the correct measure is a "barbie".

Two nostrils are necessary for the acoustic effects produced by the comtemptuous sniff, which is essential to mamalian social interaction.

I don't know a damn thing about "dark matter" but I expect it's where the ghosts and the fairies live. I never see them anywhere else.

Vicus Scurra said...

Gorilla, you are very welcome, but I find your deductive processes somewhat simplistic.
Your comments viz a viz ghosts, fairies and dark matter apply equally to Mablethorpe.

gwdolu - last natural habitat of the sniffing gorilla.

Gorilla Bananas said...

Frankly, Mr Scurra, I am not convinced that ghosts actually exist. My expertise is in responding to humans who wake me up in the night claiming to have seen one.

Mike said...

Ha ha ha ha ha!
And imagine the size of the sofa the 96% is gonna be found behind!

Geoff said...

Ah, semen. Betty once informed me how the band 10cc got their name. I think 10cc was the amount of semen it took to cover the skin of the bass drum.

As Hancock said in Hancock's Half Hour (18): "A pint? That's almost an armful. More tea, vicar?"

Vicus Scurra said...

Thank you Mike, the second inhabitant of the lovely southern islands to make me laugh today.
See if you can guess who the other one is. They wrote, having seen one of my comments on a web journal "Ah, see the old snarler has already trodden his cloven hooves across your blog".

I think I shall move to NZ. Can you put me up for 15years or so till I get settled?

Adam said...

I have to say, it's important to keep in mind that the first two pargraphs of Gorilla's first post are about two entirely different things. Otherwise, one gets the impression that this Fossey character has been sniffing gorilla sperm.

qvgis- Trust me, you don't want to know.

Vicus Scurra said...

Adam! you have started to point out structural ambiguities in the writing of others, and I am so proud.
I am so proud I could spit!
I would not be so boastful as to suggest that this is all my influence, but I cannot help but feel a certain warm glow, nothing to do with incontinence, I should add.
Now, the next step in your education is the stage of experimenting in mind-expanding drugs. How soon can you find a supplier down there?

Sheryl said...

These researchers clearly have too much time and government funding. Next they'll be trying to turn pigs neon green...oh, wait...

caroline said...

Hmmm, some interesting people in your front room these days. How is Mrs S baring up?
(Anyone who see's either of those two remarks as smutty will be taken out and shot.)
Although see you have met my old chum Mike. He's actually Welsh by the way.

I don't know: scientists..what's the point really?