Sunday, January 29, 2006

Blow me.

I returned home this evening, having taken Mrs S out on a tour of the Midlands, to be greeted by a message from BT, which was in the form of a text message read out by some chip thingy. It told me, in a voice that sounded like Stephen Hawking being fellated, that the fault on my telephone was fixed, and to please contact BT if there was still a problem. I was tempted to reply that my telephone was still faulty, because incoming messages now sounded like Stephen Hawking being fellated. But I didn’t. (At least I haven’t up to this point). I fear that this is one of many symptoms of my growing old, and that I am losing the urge to practise immaturity at every opportunity. This lost chance is not the first time that I have failed to be silly just for the sake of it, and this is vaguely worrying. Whatever age I reach on this lovely little planet of ours, I have no plans to make any staggering pronouncements as my last words, but I do hope that there is somebody there to say “What will it take to make you grow up?” as Mr Reaper twiddles his scythe (pause for sniggering at what may be taken to be a euphemism by those of an adolescent disposition).

I should make it clear, lest I am accused of some ism or other, that I have no objection in any form to Mr Hawking or anyone else being fellated. I would just rather not be party to it, through any of my senses. In return, I promise not to bore you with my anecdotes in that particular arena, even though having Penelope Cruz under my desk is getting a little tedious, and I may have to make some public pronouncement soon to curtail her activities.


MB said...

If you really want to show off your immaturity, simply text your home phone with a bunch of swear words. Hearing stephen hawking getting a BJ and swearing - now that's funny.

Vicus Scurra said...

Welcome MB, I don't recall seeing your name here before.
Thank you, you bring a new level of juvenile, irreverent and bawdy inanity, and I am sure that your post is based upon experience.
Made me laugh.
Have you tried the audio pronunciation feature at the Merriam Webster dictionary?

avxkbvne. Noise the voice simulate software makes at the point of orgasm.

MJ said...

I can always count on the Kaliyuga Kronicles for some vigorous scythe twiddling.

caroline said...

Sadly so do the rest of us...

There will be whimpering and frantic scurrying for dictionaries when you come limping up the pearly gates.

caroline said...

Ohh, sounded Cockney. Meant: limping up TO the pearly gates.

Phew, glad we have that sorted out.

Vicus Scurra said...

I hadn't noticed.
My work colleagues use the following vernacular:
Over the pub.
Round your house.
Daaahn the road.

I cannot work out the rules for which word to use, depending on the destination.
They DO mean:
to the pub.
to your house.

Maybe I am wrong. If you notice anyone hovering above a local hostelry, or circumnavigating your place of residence, please let me know.

xncopup - in the direction of the police station

Merkin said...

You insired me to text "twiddling with his scythe" to my home phone. Giggle giggle tee hee. Etc.

I'll go and grow up now.

Vicus Scurra said...

Merkin, we are all coming round your house to listen to it.

osroxwza - medical condition causing patients to text smut to themselves.

Boggins said...

there's enough verbiage wot comes out of this to compensate for any number of semi-retired bloggers.

Algy Putto texted "mongoose" to our phone just to hear Tom Baker say "mongoose".

Watch my space for vindicatory manhole pic next week.

"hnhvqyn" is the noise a HENRY (tm) vacuum makes when it has a pencil up it.

I am not mad or drunk.

Vicus Scurra said...

Hey Everyone!
Boggins is back! It's the same one. He has eccentric actors to do what the rest of us can only stretch to a telephone answering machine to do.

modaf - telephone communication device for the slightly silly.

Kat said...

Greetings, Vicus,
I am a new countrywoman living in the Midlands, an expat from the US. My very first experience with my new neighbors was with the very organization that you state is publicly adhering themselves to Stephen Hawking, BT. After 3 weeks of negotiation with them over telephone and Internet service, I had come to the same conclusion, only somehow the message left for me seemed to have a Texas accent, which I suspected might belong to a well-known individual in the States. The only problem with that being is that I was sure that no one not on drugs would benefit him with this particular service such as you describe. At least I know it's not just me that comes to these conclusions.

Vicus Scurra said...

Welcome Kat. Welcome to here, the UK, England and the Midlands.
I think that you will find in the Midlands that there is no shortage of people willing to do anything. It is part of the appeal.
I hope you are in a nice part of the Midlands like Nottingham, for example, or out in the country.
As a dear friend, however, I think that I should warn you that being in agreement with me, or any of my delightful friends here, is no guarantee of social acceptability or sanity.

jordgtn - the name of the basketball player whose basketball has just hit you on the nose.

Kat said...

Thank you, Vicus. I'm actually out in the country. Part of the reason I left the States was because I had reached the outer bounds of social acceptability and sanity there, so this bodes well, I think.

I look forward to your further observations about the British service industry, i.e., telephone, electricity, etc. I actually had NPower inform me that I didn't exist. This was news to me. After several attempts to inform them differently, I abandoned the effort. If they seem attached to this concept, despite the fact that they are billing me, then who am I to disrupt their current frame of reality?

Rob Miles said...

What confuses me is: How do you know what Stephen Hawking actually sounds like in that situation?

And the design meetings for the voice box must have been hilarious:

"How does that sound Steve?"

"Hmmm. Can we have a bit more tremelo please"

Vicus Scurra said...

Rob, I used "".
The Norman Tebbitt entry is pretty damned good.