Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Intelligent Design or Evolution?

I feel that it is time, in response to requests from readers (AMToNW), for me to join the great intelligent design/evolution debate.

It will come as no great surprise that I have to side with the intelligent design team, as the evidence is there in the scriptures.

Yes, folks, the internet was created by God, in His Infinite Wisdom, as a tool for his children to idle away their time in trivial pleasure. It is not an evolving method of accumulating information so that we can all share in the sum total of human knowledge. Such a project is doomed to failure, and well beyond the scope of humanity.

Genesis has this to say about the web thingy.

Chapter 3.
v25 And God thought a bit, and decided that He had been a tad hasty.
v26 “Look Adam, old mate, if you two silly buggers come along when I’m sitting down to watch Neighbours, particularly the episode where Marlene and Charlene find out about what Darlene has been up to, then you must expect me to get a bit cross”.
v27 “It’s not much blinking fun spending all that time creating matter and light and water and herbs and all that shit, then having your first day off for a week fucked up by some daft tart chewing apples.”
v28 “But I am a kind and loving God, and wouldn’t want you to think that I am vindictive, so I’ll buy you a computer, and help you get on-line”.
v29 So Adam popped down to Nod Computers and picked up a W487 with free games pack, and before you could build an ark, he had signed up with an ISP and started his blog. Like the rest of us, no bugger read it, but at least he had the excuse that at that time there were no other buggers to read it.
v30 And Adam spent his days happily surfing, ogling scantily clad women, checking the batting averages at Cricinfo and checking out the news from Kingsley.
v31 You see, it was all there already. Created by the infinite kindness of the Lord, not evolved and improving over the years. Before Cain and Abel were born, it was still impossible to download a Paris Hilton video without infecting your Space Invaders game with a virus.
v32 And Eve was sore afflicted. “Adam are you going to get off your fat arse and away from that sodding computer, you twassock, and help me with the pigging ironing, or do you want your fucking dinner wrapped round your fucking neck?”

If that little contribution does not bring the religious bigots over here in their droves next time that they visit Mr & Mrs Google’s home page, then I don’t know what will. See you in Hell.

7 comments:

tom909 said...

Yes, I guessed it would only be a matter of time before you weighed in with your 10 pence worth on this one.
Vicus, how you and all the others can doubt the ancient scriptures on this one beggars belief. A few fucking dinosours strategically placed around the place mixed up with a bit of unexplainable moral concience and he's hoodwinked the lot of you.
Probably under the circumstances, I think a good place for you to start would be 'Songs of Praise' on Sunday afternoons. It would be my sincere hope that some goodness could find its way into the dark depths of your being and begin to bring the true joy of the scriptures into your life. As an catholic I feel that it is my duty to ask God for help on your behalf so don't be too surprised if fuck all happens regarding this sad situation over the next few days.

Mark Gamon said...

Ah-hah! Further evidence that the bible is bollocks.

If there was no bugger around to read Adam's blog, how come there were enough buggers around to play cricket?

Are you suggesting cricket is more important than blogging, in God's omniscient eyes?

I think not.

czrdnat. Biblical equivalent of silly mid on. Or off. I can never remember which.

Vicus Scurra said...

You will all be pleased (yes, including that boy at the back there) to hear that shortly after posting this little composition, my internet connection was terminated.
He's a bugger, that God, isn't He? Just off to clear those fucking locusts off of the runner beans.

Tom, as usual, you have misinterpreted my argument, although it could hardly have been a more ringing endorsement of the Biblical view. I suggest you refrain from smoking any more horse manure and spread it on your herb garden. It really isn't doing you any good.

Mark, I could counter by saying that the verses make no reference to cricketers, only to cricket statistics, but the wider point is that cynics such as you always look for apparent contradictions by the application of flawed logic. Why not just accept that God moves in a mysterious way. That could be Him now, pogo-sticking backwards outside your house.

axjqx - detergent of the gods.

Geoff said...

If you've found God now, Vicus, you're too late.

I found him first.

zoe said...

vicus died a long time ago - and i've been told that he never found god.

just a hot pie in a boiling oven.

which he ate, and ....

[he sprouted pubic hair.]

Adam said...

Ah! I see that you have taken to writing about me again.

It is important to note that this story, which takes place shortly after the beginning of the Earth, also notes the last time I had a computer as well as the last time I had a girlfriend.

mvrkz- Eastern European word for...how shall we say...a fine female posterior.

Adam said...

Make that the last time I had a NEW computer.