Tuesday, January 10, 2006

More unsolicited advice

May I suggest that you start your day by doing something uplifting and inspiring?

  • Fling open your windows and inhale the fresh air.
  • Thank the creator for another day of human life.
  • Enjoy a hearty breakfast of freshly squeezed raspberry juice and green lentil pancakes.
  • If you are of an athletic disposition, try a few minutes of vigorous masturbation.

Do NOT do as I did and check your RSS feeds for news.

This morning’s depressing items include.

  • The release on bail of Pinochet.
  • The retirement from international rugby of Tana Umaga, which will diminish the quality of play in the next world cup, and possibly reduce the amount of time that paramedics spend on the field also.
  • Adam has added to his journal.


Merkin said...

You need to change your RSS feed. Mine, on the other hand, included items such as Rotting Fish Tackled by Firesquirters. Much more edifying.

Vicus Scurra said...

Yes, my RSS gives me updates on your lovely site, Merkin, so maybe I should change it.
I have been getting visitors coming here having searched for the term "masturbation" in various search engines.
To them I say this:
If you can see well enough to search for masturbation, you are not doing it enough.

Geoff said...

What if you sleep in a dormitory?
The others might not want the windows open.

Vicus Scurra said...

But they wouldn't mind sharing with a god-bothering, vegetarian wanker?

Caroline M said...

Yeah, tara Tana. You'll be missed. But not much by St John's..

Your last comment sounds very like my school. Happy days.

Mark Gamon said...

Thank you, Caroline, for that interesting picture you just put in my mind...

Simon Holledge said...

OK my problem is this.

I need to transport 2 medium sized loudspeakers from Caterham in Surrey, England, UK to Marlborough in Wilts without leaving Scotland. How can I do this?

I will be grateful for any clever suggestions that don't involve huge expenses.

Vicus Scurra said...

The obvious solution is not to be in Scotland, and therefore you will not have to leave it. I suspect I may be missing something.

losnj - something to suck to prevent cold symptons in the vicinity of New York.

Bonkers Sosonach said...

Yeah? What about New Zealand Simon?

Snape said...

Have a super day

Mark Gamon said...

A-hoist one o' the wee thingies on each o' yer shoulders and march tae the skirl o' the pipes all the way up the A1...

Please NB authentic Scottish vocabulary to set the right mood.

Simon Holledge said...

Thank you, thank you. I was expecting either wickedly funny one line responses or some good ideas. . . . So what happened then?

To Snape: thank you. It's a bit cloudy but we will try. What's up with the weird photo?