Thursday, March 23, 2006

Allow me to help some of the lost and confused beings who have found their way here after using the services of Theodore and Evadne Google, or their competitors.

  • Is Camilla asking for a divorce

This query came, apparently, from a company of lawyers in San Diego called “Thickston, Stern and Becerra”. The same person came to my website twice looking to solve this mystery. Firstly, she and I are not, nor ever have been, married to each other. Not from the want of pursuit on her part, I might add. I can see that her brand of empty headed and vulgar jocundity might appeal to a certain type of person, but I do not fall into that category. Nor is she seeking to end her romance with Charles. Mentally challenged, deranged and totally lacking in common sense she may be, but even she recognises when she is on to a good thing. Putting up with the in-laws is a small price to pay for all the material advantages.

  • Ant and Dec prosthetic

I know nothing about these gentlemen, I have never seen their television programme, and were not aware that they were in any way artificial, other than in the manner prescribed for entertainers on Saturday evening terrestrial television.

  • Paula Radcliffe poo

Ain’t got none. Run out. Do have a small packet of Gerald Kaufmann vomit, at a reasonable rate, if anyone is interested.

  • Sainsburys how did it become famous

By twats putting its name into search engines

  • The fox twins who lived in Stevenage

I am unacquainted with feral mammals in Hertfordshire, but have conducted an intermittent correspondent with some rather charming otters in Oswestry

  • How to avoid being sick

Well, don’t come to this web page would be my first thought.

  • Man tied up being fellated

If he is happy, then I am happy for him, on balance. I do not have any information or photographic evidence. If I did, I suspect that sharing it with you would not really help you. Would you not rather pick your all time best South African cricket XI?

Barlow, Richards, Kallis, Pollock (RG), Cook, Rice, Proctor, Lindsay, Pollock (S), van der Bijl, Adams.


Pamela Troeppl said...

Since you're in the mood to answer daunting questions, perhaps you could answer some of mine?

No? Is that a no? That hurts. After all we've meant to each other. I mean really.

Vicus Scurra said...

Pamela! Come in, sit down, a cup of fennel tea, perchance? Make yourself comfortable. What would you like to know?

Kyahgirl said...

Dear Crabby pants:

This comment is in no way related to your current post. So sue me.

I am just on my way home from Texas and must report to you that I have witnessed the use of 'salad plates' However, you will be utterly scandalized to learn that they were only 4 inches in diameter. Absolutely fucking useless for anything. And they were made of blown foam (not using the work 'styrofoam' because it happens to be a trademark) *
I'm just reporting this to you because I know it is a subject of utmost importance to you.

*only a twat would say something like that but I've been brainwashed.

Vicus Scurra said...

Kyahgirl. There is nothing in your contract to say that comments have to relate to the current post. Or reality. What you fail to mention is the location of this place where salad plates were used. Half a story is of little use to us.

tom909 said...

Shouldn't you have that fielder in - they reckon he saved 20 runs an innings.

Kyahgirl said...

Oh, if you must know, it was at the Brazosport College corporate learning center. How can that help you? Are you going to send a team of Ninjas to decimate them?

Vicus Scurra said...

Tom, the fact that you cannot name "that fielder" establishes some parameters whereby I can assess the value of your advice.

Thank you, Kyahgirl. The policy of this website is love and peace. I am merely curious as to the kind of people who use salad plates. I am sorry that you had to deal with them.

raincoaster said...

Kyahgirl, those were not salad plates. They were dessert plates, but the Texans use twelve-inch plates for dessert and so had to "repurpose" them.

tom909 said...

He was fun to watch though, wasn't he.

Foilwoman said...

It is a bit disturbing to realize that most searches that lead people to blogs are searches about sex (whether or not the blog in question touches on that very touchy subject) or some variety of perversion*. Especially when one writes something deep and meaningful. Oh, I just realized I don't write deep and meaningful stuff. No harm, no foul.

*Yes, "What's My Perversion?" will be a hit reality show soon.

vitriolica said...

i wonder if you might have any naked miss hoolies, people are always after some of those.

Richard said...

Tom, for the second time, Jonty Rhodes. I've always thought the "saving 20 runs an innings" a bit of an arbitrary assessment of the fielder's worth. Was a batsman in the side because he was worth 20 runs?


tom909 said...

Richard, this interests me. Now if your normal batsmen in the field each save 5 runs per innings and JR saves 20 then if his average is say 30, then that would be the equivalent of an average of 45. I can hear Vicus expressing disgust at me going to such lengths to explain the obvious. All that really remains to sort out is how do we calculate how many runs the fielders each save. Does this to some extent depend on where they field too, so we would need to weight our calculations there too.
Now, with the Jones v Read discussion, and again I bow to the greater knowledge and understanding of the mighty Vicus, they say that Read is worth an extra 15 runs an innings. So if his batting average improved to within 15 of Jones then he should be in the team.

ExAfrica said...

Vicus, sir.

What the hell goes on on this site?

Sex, cricket, agony aunt, plate etiquette??

Perhaps tomorrow you could discuss deviance and drugs.


Vicus Scurra said...

The point is Tom, which of the world class players would you drop to make room for someone whose specialty was running and throwing? The Commonwealth Games has just been on TV.
ExAfrica. I have found the prudent course to be not to be over-analytical here. There are a great many stones best left unturned.

Richard said...

If I field at extra cover and stop nothing but the wankiest prod for no runs yet make sure I dive sufficiently well to make every full blooded drive BAR ONE look just out of reach, am I worth 4 runs to my side or several dozen to the opposition?

It is rather akin to my point the other day about Gerard having a hand in the seven Liverpool goals scored against the hapless Brummies. That's his job as an attacking midfielder; if he's not creating chances all the time, he should be squeezing the oranges at half time. Likewise, the skill in cricket is getting the ball past a fielder. It's just not quantifiable and not really worth bothering about. I like to watch it and drink beer while doing so. Such are life's pleasures.

tom909 said...

I kind of agree, but if you have someone who only holds 50% of their catches, up against someone who holds 75%, plus you take into account that they also regularly hit the stumps and get a run out, say at one per game, then that player is worth way more than the other. Just having JR in the team made the batsmen nervous, and of course he was superb value for the spectators.
'not quantifiable' is true but a bit of a cop out really. Are you going to say that we should take into account the bowlers that the batsmen face when we look at their averages, and even more flawed, the bowlers average obviously depends on if they get a shot at the tail enders.

Richard said...

Well, yes.I would say that.

And well spotted on the cop out, Tom because while they might not necessarily be better, I have other things to do that merit rather more of my immediate attention (and pay the bills). But I do agree on the entertainment value of somebody like Jonty Rhodes throwing themselves about. He wasn't a catcher though - he'll admit that. He was more of a stop and return.

Alan Ealham, best fielder in the deep I ever saw. One never took two to him.

Averages are just to find out who gets the beers in at the end of season bash. Geoffrey Boycott was well known among his peers as being the most generous and convivial of team-mates.

Kat said...

Dear Vicus,

Since I am unable to comment on football line-ups and I do not knit, I apologize for the interruption. I am curious on one point, and since you seem to be an authority of the royals, and know them well, I thought I would address you on the matter. I was doing the usual time-wasting Sunday afternoon perusal through the Web and came across a picture of Harry in full battle regalia holding a gun in Cyprus, apparently engrossed in war games. It seemed quite amusing in the fact that I would think the chances of him going to someplace like Iraq would be about the equivalent of the Bush twins doing the same, although we can always hope. What are the chances of the spare set of royal genes actually seeing combat duty?

This may be a salad plate question.

Pamela Troeppl said...

No new posts? Now what am I supposed to do? No, I won't do that. Or that.....hmmm. Perhaps I could knit something.