Monday, March 06, 2006

Missed Opportunities

I am inspired by the delicate and fragrant Caroline to make the following observations. She recounts how she engaged a nutter in conversation on the telephone. I suppose you can do that in New Zealand. It is not recommended practice for UK residents, even those of us fortunate enough to reside in North East Hampshire. Most of my telephone calls (and I get at least two a month) are from nutters, but they are either friends or relations, but should someone call who is both psychiatrically suspect and unknown, then the only safe policy is to bolt the doors and buy a gun.

I once had a call from a young lady asking to speak to "Miss Wong". I failed to make the obvious response. I will now have to reincarnate as all 8.4millions species before I get another chance in a human body, and I am fearful that when that happens the young lady will in question will call when I am out. It just isn’t fair.

I also missed out on the occasion where I went to buy a copy of a well-known tome outlining English usage. As a copy was on display inside at the front of the bookshop I was not able to ask “Have you got Fowler?”

I did not make the same mistake when visiting a hardware shop, where I wittily asked “Have you got a bleeding key?” Although I shall probably be forced to explain that one to Adam when he next shows up here.


caroline said...

Is that like a monkey wrench or a mole grip?

Right. That's two people on my site calling me sweet and now I'm delicate too. FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE! I AM a rock hard cyber chick with facial piercings.

Adam said...

Yes, I have never heard of a "bleeding key." Is this a new form of tampon? If so, I would have to ask whom you are buying it for and why you are getting it in a hardware store.

That part also reminds me of a little joke that I'll share:

A man from West Virginia (See, even we North Carolinans have someone to make fun of!) walks into a grocery store and tells the clerk in a very heavy accent, "I want tomaters, taters, and un-yuns." The clerk says "You're from West Virgina, aren't you?"

"How cud ya tell?"

"Oh, by your accent."

Thinking, "Golly, these guys are smart!," he walks into another store and again requests "Tomaters, taters, and un-yuns."

"You're from West Virgina, aren't you?"

"Dad-burn! How could ya tell?!"

"This is a hardware store."

ycxxzq- French spelling of the sound created when stepping on a large snail.

caroline said...

Has Adam gone mad?

Vicus Scurra said...

Caroline, that was a far from typical harsh remark. I suggest that you let that inner sweetness come to the surface.
Poor Adam is from North Carolina. No further explanation needed, I would say.
Now get over there, and give him a big hug.

Geoff said...

I know what a bleeding key is. I just don't know how to bleeding use one.

Adam said...

No, Caroline, I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

vmlsnme- A little-known product that combined Velcro and Vasaline. A speakable use for it was never found.

Lin said...

Today someone called my house asking for someone else, perhaps Caroline and when I attempted to engage them in conversation, per Caroline's example, they hung up on me.

caroline said...

Ohh, well take heed Lin, I rang Irenie tonight (as promised) and SHE TOLD ME OFF FOR RINGING EARLY...

Adam: you're bonkers darling, and that's coming from me...

Vics: s'cuse us while we talk amongst ourselves.

Vicus Scurra said...

Yes, yes, go ahead.
Never mind the fact that I am trying to help humanity by providing incisive and wise commentary on existence, and am an oasis of sanity on the internet, you just take it over with your babblings.
Shall I advertise? "Wanted: brain-addled old biddies required to fill up web journal with gibberish. No previous experience necessary - just a penchant for the inane."
Anything you need - cup of tea, woman's weekly - before I bugger off?

Pamela Troeppl said...

"Wanted: brain-addled old biddies required to fill up web journal with gibberish. No previous experience necessary - just a penchant for the inane."

Does this pay well? And how does a key bleed? I'm so confused.

Pamela Troeppl
Humor Columnist and Author

Vicus Scurra said...

Welcome back. Let me introduce you to Caroline and Lin. Lin is mostly harmless. Caroline is a real sweety, but pretends to be ascerbic. You will get on fine with them, and find that your rewards are emotional and spiritual rather than monetary. I would just ask that one of you let me know when you've done.
If I tell you what a "bleeding key" is, can you tell me whether the size of salad plate is uniform in this universe that we inhabit? (see my later post)
In the UK, most of our houses are heated by radiators, which are warmed by hot water flowing through them. I honestly don't know whether this is the case in the USA - I haven't been to many cold parts over there. The radiators tend to get air trapped in them, rendering them useless. In order to remedy this, we have a key which opens a small thingy on the radiator, which releases the air (and the water if you don't turn it off quickly enough). This activity is known as 'bleeding'. In the UK 'bleeding' is also a profanity with the same origins as 'bloody' - not sure what the US equivalent would be, as I have never heard an American cuss.