Monday, April 10, 2006

Countdown to the royal divorce - part 10

I seem to spend the larger part of my time trying to calm Camilla down, and keep her behaviour within the limits of decorum. This time she wants to do something outrageous for the St James Palace party for Liz’s 80th. I have to spend what seems like two hours explaining to her that even though this might be called a private function, the size of it means that news will leak out. “No, Cammy, you soft tart,” I say, somewhat wearily, “you do not want Michael Barrymore as the MC. Nor Bernard Manning, for that matter; and no, it is not a good idea to announce the engagement of princess Eugenie to Gary Glitter. Liz might find it funny, but the readers of the Mail will not.” She has one of her stroppy turns, which have become more frequent ever since her ‘elevation’ to the title of Mrs Chazza. “Stick to good old fashioned talentless, geriatric lickspittles like Cliff and Cilla,” I counsel, “and if you need a comedian, get Les Dennis, Phil finds him amusing, for some bizarre reason.”

William wants to buy his grandmother an ipod. “Just get her a small one, Bill, you daft sod,” I tell him, “how much fucking disk space do you need for ‘God Save the Queen’, even with all six verses”.

I don’t suppose I will manage to miss all of the festivities, these people become more dependent as the weeks pass by, and paying Leonardo Di Caprio to act as my look-alike is getting a tad expensive these days.

26 comments:

Kat said...

Dear Vicus,

Sometimes being a foreigner leaves me a bit puzzled by the natives, although I actually got caught using the word "queue" to an American friend last week, who thought it was a sure sign of my going over the edge. Although one more word about Kate Moss's cocaine habit in the press could do it.

But I can never tell, irony not being an American habit, do you actually like the Royals or not? They are a peculiar tradition, to be sure, but they're much more amusing than dealing with whatshisname in the States. He's sort of a stupid version of your boy Tony.

Cherrypie said...

She'll want Rule Britannia on there too, of course

pertfg - a decoy for fading TV stars, not to be placed near water

Vicus Scurra said...

Dear Kat, I leave all serious comment to my political representative, Mr Gamon. His writings will give you a clue as to my opinions, but I refuse to be drawn into serious debate here.

Richard said...

I bet he likes The Royal though.

Kat said...

Cherrypie, not me, just curious. Good heavens, no, Vicus, nothing serious. I have no idea what to think of them, they just seem somewhat amusing, but rather expensive, considering.

This is definitely a place I come NOT to be serious. Your rants are as good as a day's holiday. You could be right, though, Richard.

Kat said...

And yes, I give them about 5 years, max.

raincoaster said...

If you want to drive her mad, why not load the iPod with "Goodbye, England's Rose" and hide the instruction booklet? Actually, hearing that on repeat would drive anyone insane. There might be a Nepal-style massacre, if it were grouse season and there were guns around.

Mark Gamon said...

GOOD save the Queen?

Tee hee. I love catching Vicus out on minor points of grammer and spelling...

Mark Gamon said...

Actually I do quite like the Royals, since you appear to be asking. Or rather - I have a hunch I'd probably quite like a couple of them if given the opportunity to invite them down the Beehive for a pint. Charles, for instance, would have a wry and self-deprecating sense of humour. And I could chat to Snowdon about photography (though I suspect he's not a proper Royal any more).

That said, I'd take away all their money and palaces tomorrow, given the chance...

Mark Gamon said...

Thank you for offering me this breif space in your esteemed forum, Vic...

Vicus Scurra said...

My 'Good' has been corrected, however, your 'grammer' and 'breif' remain for all eternity.
This is exactly the kind of abuse of power that indicates that monarchy is a crap form of government.

tom909 said...

I'm afraid I have no qualms about entering a serious discussion about the Royals. I actually dislike them intensely - I am deliberately refraining from swearing here even though it would convey my feelings more accurately.
They have mercilessly ripped off the British public for centuries on the basis that they are in some way a superior form of human being - patently bollocks.
Mark, for once I have to disagree with you - Charles is a king-size prat who also suffers from delusions of being 'special', and also absolutely continues to fleece his loyal citizens - he owns half of Devon and Cornwall (taken by his ancestors by the sword) and makes more in a minute than I, and probably you, will make in a lifetime.
Love and Peace. Tom.

Richard said...

I'd like to buy Charles a bottle of Bishop's Finger and tell him that's what a bottled beer should taste like instead of that wee he puts out at nutter prices.

He's even bringing out a range of Victorian gardening tools. At least these will have real mud on them instead of just tasting like it.

Vicus Scurra said...

We all seem to be getting a little agitated when discussing this topic.
Why don't we all sit in a circle, hold hands, and think gentle thoughts?
Where is Caroline when we need her soothing influence.

Richard said...

But I like them. They're a good comedy sideshow and cheaper for me than getting Sky in. They are infinitely preferable to say, Presidents Ant & Dec, although maybe President Jason would be good. "Bush, you Plonker." Yes.

pqnjjqn - Pidgin name for HM th Q in remote parts of Borneo

Mark Gamon said...

Vicus - I am hoist with my own petard, as we Royalists like to say when a little pished.

Tom - you're probably right. Please belay all my comments about the Royals. They'll all be first up against the wall when the revolution comes.

Except for Snowdon, of course. I'd still like to chat with him about photography.

I'd have let Lichfield off too, though I suspect he had a tendency to bore you with stories about unattainable supermodels.

uuuhk. An expression that speaks for itself.

Kyahgirl said...

Since I live in a Commonwealth country I've been Royal watching from a great distance and have a few opinions.

I like the Queen. She seems like a class act. I think the monarchy should be laid to rest with her though. The whole aristocracy/nobility/royalty thing is something whose time has been and gone.

There is an awful lot of money tied up in it though isn't there? Mind boggling.

I think Charles is a bit of a dufus and don't have opinions about the rest.

The British media spend way too much time and energy harrassing the Royals. Are there not more important things to report on? When the years of 'Diana Frenzy' were upon us I used to think I'd kill myself before ever wanting that kind of life. Crowns and gowns cannot make a person happy. What? (why do people do that-stick a 'what?' on the end of sentences)?

Vicus Scurra said...

Mark, do not give in to Tom, he loves a good argument. Just see if you can get him to completely reverse his position by subtlety stating the same point of view that he did.
Works a treat.

ykftn - Small Jutish settlement, famous for its pointless quarrels.

Kat said...

Good heavens, Vicus, I see what you mean. Please pardon my inadvertent diversion. Well, I must say, your insights into the Royals are hilarious, and I admit to having suspicions about the mental acuity and innate balance of a woman who waited that long...for that. But, to each their own.

Sharon J said...

Prince Charles wees in a bottle and then sells it? Why is this so?

I'd quite like to have Camilla as my friend. We could swap skirts and things.

Vicus Scurra said...

Sharon.
1) Wouldn't you, if you could?
2) Please be specific about what else you would like to swap with Camilla.

tom909 said...

Ah Vicus, how you underestimate the power of my intellect and mind. If you think simply by agreeing with me I will change my position on something so blindingly obvious as the worthiness of our royal family, then you couldn't be more right. Nothing fills my heart with more pride than the sight of our wonderful monarch listening to her loyal subjects singing their hearts out in praise of her glory. How can anyone even think for a moment that she is a mere human being that farts and shits like the rest of us.

Lin said...

So relieved my prayers actually worked this time and that you're feeling mostly better.

News reached this side of North america this very week that Camilla has been awarded "Spouse of the Year." Anything to do with your wise counsel?

Mark Gamon said...

There's an AWARD for Spouse of the Year???????????????????????

That's like Accessory of the Year. Or Optional Extra of the Year. Or Second-in-Command of the Year.

I think we should institute an award for Comment of the Year. That'd be fun.

Toiss. Self-abuse whilst resident at Ascot, Sandringham, Windsor, Knightsbridge, or Balmoral.

raincoaster said...

sharon, I'd like to have Camilla for my friend too; I'd look so pretty standing next to her.

And Charles...well, "a modest little man with so much to be modest about."

The blond one is decorative, though, and he seems to be able to keep his mouth shut, a trait which (obviously) skipped a generation and came to him from his Grannie.

MJ said...

Kyahgirl: Crowns and gowns have made many a drag queen happy.