Wednesday, April 19, 2006

To save my readers (AMToNW) the trouble of reading the sordid details in the latest attempt by my friends at the BBC to titillate the populace, I can give you some background to the headline “middle aged people still enjoy sex, especially in the west”.

The west in question refers to the western hemisphere. Although how a sphere can realistically be divided into east and west seems to be another example of the warped musings of our scientific friends. Silly sods.

This is very good news, unless you live in New Zealand, as Phnom Penh would be a bloody long way to go for a shag.

So, sorry New Zealanders, another night in front of the telly or the latest Charles Dickens novel for you.

40 comments:

A Resident of the Western Hemisphere said...

Well Dickens is almost as good as sex, isn't he?

Geoff said...

Shouldn't that read "vest"?

Vicus Scurra said...

No Geoff, I don't think "a night in front of the vest" makes much sense. I do not, however, live in Kent, so perhaps am not in the best position to form a view.

Richard said...

Reading Pickwick Papers in a vest is a phenomenal experience.

raincoaster said...

I live in the far west of Canada, so I can feel smug.

Does the article imply that they're still having plenty of sex in the East, but they're just not enjoying it much?

Vicus Scurra said...

Richard, please clarify whether the reader or the book should be in a vest.
Raincoaster, who is this Smug of whom you speak?
It is quality, not quantity, that concerns the BBC. That is why they have home makeover programs on for 38 hours each week.

zvfwil - vague feeling of discontent having experienced intimacy in Vancouver.

Vicus Scurra said...

Update.
The latest article at the BBC says that the middle-aged "still enjoying sex". I am not sure whether this refers to their continued enjoyment or to their reluctance to be energetic during the practice thereof.
If any of you could be bothered to move, maybe you could investigate.

Martha said...

It is true. We're not interested in sex at all, just reading Dickens and dreaming of the motherland.

Cherrypie said...

I am on the brink of becoming middle-aged. I live in the Western hemisphere, albeit in the East of the country. Does this mean I might get a shag at last?

I have stocked up on Dickens novels and invested in a liberty bodice as a precaution.

Vicus Scurra said...

Cherrypie.
Leave your phone number here. I suspect that you might get lucky. Alas, I am in a long term relationship with Little Nell.

Kapitano said...

The British enjoy sex greatly and in abundance, but don't want anyone else to know they do.

Probably the only nation that likes to do it, but not talk about it.

Mike said...

I've just popped over to the my neigbours to the right which, as far as I can tell by the bark on the trees, is to our west. I asked them if they still enjoyed "it" and they were a tad unforthcoming (four!) and threatened to "set the dog on me".

I suspect that they were in the throws of a swinging party and I had called at an inopportune nipple clamping moment.

They are in their mid-70's.

They hail from Christchurch here in New Zealand / Aotearoa.

I didn't get time to find out if they'd ever been to Phnom Penh or were particular fond of a hard and regular Dickens

Vicus Scurra said...

Kapitano, I see that you are just down the road from me. If you must talk about sex, please close all the doors and windows and whisper. And use a silent keyboard.

For all of you who seem to have misinterpreted my comments about Dickens, who as I recall seldom wrote about sex apart from the cunnilingus interlude between Oliver Twist and Nancy, here is a link:
a nice tune

Mark Gamon said...

See what happens when you blog about sex?

Vicus Scurra said...

Yes, Mark, I am chastened.
This level of smut has taken me completely by surprise.

tom909 said...

Vicus's sex threads are very popular but for more serious observers, please note that his football thread recieved 48 comments.
I do have to back up the findings of this latest survey though. I do live in the actual 'West Country' and down here you can actually watch middle aged people shagging themselves stupid at every opportunity. They do it on the pavements, on the grass verge, on the hard shoulder, anywhere really. I was shocked when I first moved here but now I think nothing of it. Sometimes in Newton Abbot it resembles a scene of Hell out of one of those paintings. The thing is there mostly fat bastards, so it's a bit of a stark contrast to what you get to see on the telly.

Vicus Scurra said...

The phrase "shagging themselves stupid" implies that some sort of transformation in intelligence takes place as a result of this activity. My observations of west country life indicate that degrees of stupidity before and after sexual congress are barely measureable.

Richard said...

Tom's been supplying the dogging sites again.

MJ said...

Like Raincoaster, I live on the west coast of Canada and was also feeling Smug (Smug gets a lot of action in these parts) until I read a poll that states that Canadians are more likely to fall asleep in front of telly than after a good roll in the hay. And another poll states that (surprise!) Montrealers are the most open-minded Canadians regarding sex. Obviously more global research needs to be done on this matter.

Vicus Scurra said...

MJ it is all very well advocating the need for more research, but I suggest you take responsibility and do the research yourself. There is only so much that I can do.

uqnrn - Eskimo word describing the sexual habits of white Canadians.

Mark Gamon said...

I have been to CherryPie's profile and she's fibbing a bit about that 'middle-age' thing. I cannot verify the liberty bodice.

Just thought you ought to know. What IS a liberty bodice anyway? Isn't that a contradiction in terms?

iwvxaxez. An obscure Welsh word that can have many overlapping meanings but translates roughly as 'impossible to type'.

Mark Gamon said...

I dont have anything to say - I just saw a good verification word coming up.

ddlya. What George W. did to the Iraqis.

patroclus said...

What classes as middle-aged these days? I need to know if I still enjoy sex or not.

Vicus Scurra said...

Mark, please avoid giving the impression that a prerequisite of posting here is having something to say. Just look at the evidence.
Patroclus - middle aged is any age. For example 87 is in the middle of 85 and 89. Of course, the word 'still' implies having enjoyed at some stage, so I cannot answer your question. I know this will be a deep disappointment to you.

hwdwnzux - I agree, it is not very good.

Adam said...

Let's see here...the latest Dickens novel...

Damn. Still nothing new! What the hell has he been up to since 1870?

emcxd- Shorthand for "emergency sexed," which is believed by many to be a real medical procedure, but in reality is almost never seen outside of a pornographic film.

Vicus Scurra said...

Adam, I believe he ran out of silly names.

autqks - maiden name of Martin Chuzzlewit's great uncle.

Cherrypie said...

Half of Three Score Years and Ten is 35. I am 34 years and 361 days old. That is the brink of middle-age, is it not?

Leaving my phone number here would be marginally less smelly than in a public telephone box ( do those tomatoe pooers visit often?) and quite possibly the perfect Direct Marketing location.

Mark - for a contemporary liberty bodice, think Madonna-esque corset with built-in nipple tassles x

Richard said...

Cherry Pie, please tell me how long middle age lasts, some questions need answering.

Richard (45 1/3).

Vicus Scurra said...

I suggest we tiptoe out, and leave Mark and Cherrypie to it.
Anyone got a copy of Barnaby Rudge?

Kyahgirl said...

I tried to comment yesterday but friggin blogger wouldn't let me.

Anyway, Tom made me laugh out loud with his description of sex in the West country. thanks for that.

raincoaster said...

For what it's worth, there's some idiot outside yelling for "HARLEY" to let him in. Welcome to Canada; if nobody in the building will let you in, you effectively belong to the "outlanders." I am off to say the same to this idiot in the lobby; if someone posts an egregiously Conservative opinion and I don't reply within 24 hours, please call the police!

Vicus Scurra said...

Kyahgirl, that is quite a coincidence. The last time Tom made someone laugh out loud (and thank you for not using the acronym) was in 1987, when he last attempted to have sex.
Raincoaster, for heaven's sake let Harley's mate in. You know that you will enjoy the sex. If not, move nearer to the Pacific.

raincoaster said...

Vicus, alas I cannot move closer to the Pacific; it creeps up the very walls.

"Dickens is almost as good as sex"
Well, having read as much Dickens as I have and having...um... nevermind...enjoy the dickens out of your Dickens. And remind me never to date you.

tom909 said...

For the record, it is true that 1987 was the last time I tried to have sex, but I can assure you it was anything but a laughing matter for either party.

Mark Gamon said...

CherryPie - thanks everso for the fashion update. Not quite sure how that works with the Dickens, but I'm sure it'd be very exciting.

Sharon J said...

Do you know for sure that people in New Zealand actually want to have sex? Or even that they do have sex? They may well have discovered some easy way around the mess and just aren't telling the rest of us about it.

Vicus Scurra said...

Judging by the number of antipodean communications that I receive lusting for my body, I would say that New Zealanders are indeed interested in having sex. Nothing kinky, however, as far as I can tell.

nauzxgo - permission given for adult activities in Australia and New Zealand.

Pamela Troeppl said...

::ponders just what I was doing in 1987 and with whom::::

Vicus Scurra said...

Pam, I can assure you that you would not have forgotten.

tom909 said...

God, that's not the same Pamela, I don't believe it, it's not you Pamela, surely. Oh my God, now I'm dying on my arse!