Wednesday, April 05, 2006

I would like to thank all of those kind people who have enquired about my health. I regret to inform you all that I am in fine fettle (Adam, that is a small settlement just off the coast of Northamptonshire), apart from a very irritating cough. I am sure that your prayers have been effective in producing a cure.

On the subject of prayers and miracles, TCM at LiveScience have an article wherein scientists are putting forth the opinion that Jesus did not walk on water. No, of course not, the Sea of Galilee froze over. Yes, Jesus was the Robin Cousins of his day. I will not get into the religious/theological aspect of whether this makes any bloody difference (I may even censor the comments if I get an attack by loonies). There is no point lampooning a minority religion when TCM leave themselves open to such ridicule. Why are scientists bothering to invent reasons for strange phenomena, when there are questions of great import waiting to be answered? How big was the big bang? And in comparison to what? For all we know there could have been much bigger bangs before it, but there was no bugger there to record them.

Also at LiveScience is a report that children in the USA are having sex before they learn to drive. Adam will confirm the veracity of this. I do not believe that the same is true in the UK. I did not have sex before my driving test, I merely shook hands with the examiner. I sense that he may have wanted to go further, I can tell by the way that he clenched my thigh during the three point turn, and shouted out “Shag me till my ears bleed” instead of hitting the dashboard, when testing my ability to do an emergency stop. You will know that I am not judgemental by nature, but I do tend to be in favour of one thing at a time. Call me old fashioned.

Following that is the news story that a teacher, also in the USA, had sex with a pupil 28 times in a week. I sometimes feel that opportunity passed me by. I went to a very liberal and progressive school, and feel that I had a well-rounded education, but this particular extra-curricular activity was never made available to me. I could make a list in order of preference of those teachers with whom 28 sexual adventures would not have been too arduous, but it would be unfair to them to name them here. I can say, to his relief as much as mine, that Mr Robson would have come fairly near the bottom of the list.

Finally, now that I appear to be on the mend, please divert your prayers and good wishes to the demented sod who found his way here by putting the phrase “nudist acetic acid” into a search engine.

Even more finally, note that Mr Gamon, who still is unable to decide whether to blog, has transferred his blog to his own website. Please visit and cheer him up, he seems a little confused. I hope you enjoy Geoff's comment as much as I did. (Should that be "as much as I" or "as much as I did"?).

It will not get any more final than this. I hope that those of you with modern electronic equipment enjoyed “The Wire”, the third season of which concluded on FX last night. Completely brilliant, despite my difficulty in following the language (those crazy northerners, eh, Adam?). I am pleased to note that a fourth series is planned.

17 comments:

Adam said...

Oh, you should have made me guess what "fettle" was. I would have used my keen definition-guessing powers (that are seen at the end of every reply) on it. I would have guessed "a fetish for kettles."

Ah yes, sex before the driving exam. I actually failed my driving test the first time I took it, and I now suspect that it was because I never even hinted to the driving instructor that I intended to bang her. It probably would have been the first time for this hideous old bat. I suspect that she was taking out her sexual frustration on my test score.

She failed me for some stupid reason like "Stopping at a traffic light and intending to stay there until 'the light turned purple.'" Honestly, who hasn't made such a mistake in their life?

jhkvwz- The secret encoded message that you get from playing a Lynrd Skynrd album backwards.

Mark Gamon said...

I welcome the unexpected plug, Vicus, and grovel in the light of your kindness.

I will no doubt catch up with the wit n' wisdom of Geoff in due course. Meanwhile, please NB that I am now ready willing and able to blog. It's just these people keep sending me away to organise conferences and the like which makes it difficult to think. And of course young Mr Blair hasn't really said or done anything too outrageous in the last couple of days...

tom909 said...

Ah Vicus, now at last we are back onto a subject I am familiar with. Sex before or whilst learning to drive is something I do recommend. In fact I was a driving instructor myself for several years and I must say I always found it on the whole very beneficial.

As with professional footballers, you do have to weigh up whether your concentration will be compromised by going through an entire hour's lesson feeling completely horny, or maybe like the great yogis, might your concentration in fact be enhanced by your efforts to rise above such base desires.

Myself I have been wrestling with this dilemma for many years etc etc...

kyahgirl said...

Glad to see you're back in fine form.
I heard about the ice situation on the ancient sea of Galilee just this morning. Not so shocking after all these years. I wonder what the Vatican will say.
Loved your description of your driving exam...made me laugh out loud.

Richard said...

Tom, is that beneficial for the instructor or the instructed

raincoaster said...

One of the leads in US articles about the teacher was "Pupil does teacher 28 times in 1 week, stops because out of paper bags" and yes, there was a mug shot of her to back that up.
http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/0404062teacher1.html

Vicus Scurra said...

Richard. If Tom were brave enough to post a photograph of himself, you could judge for yourself whether whatever the hell he was talking about was beneficial.
Adam, for the benefit of your education (and I use the term very loosely) "wrestling with this dilemma" is an example of a euphemism. Do you know what a euphemism is?
Raincoaster. She is marginally a better option than Mr Robson.

xpjfrp - my operating system is wrestling with a dilemma.

zoe said...

thanks so much for passing on your dreaded lurgy to me. i happen to be dying - well, i would be if i were a man.

Vicus Scurra said...

Zoe, with your deep voice and constant moaning about a trivial illness, I think you are a man.

tom909 said...

There is about as much chance of me working out how to put a photo up here as there was of me having sex with my driving students (I just needed to get this up here because my wife is following this thread too!)

Vicus Scurra said...

Tom, if you are concerned about your wife checking what you write, then I suggest that you desist from phrases such as "I needed to get this up here."
Some of the people visiting here have coarse minds.

tdnsqz - manoeuvre not part of the driving test, but taught by some instructors, particularly those experiencing the mid-life crisis.

Sheryl said...

Wow, Jesus made the sea of Galilee instantly freeze? That may be even more impressive.

Why do you think all those teens do it in the backseat of cars. Much more convenient that way. There's nothing better afterward than a cigarette and a lesson on parallel parking.

Glad you're no longer sick... well you know, relatively speaking.

Vicus Scurra said...

Sheryl, thank you. My undying love and respect to you. With your permission, I will use the phrase "no longer sick... well you know, relatively speaking." as my introduction.

Pamela Troeppl said...

Dear No Longer Sick,
Glad to see that your recent illness hasn't in any manner impaired your ability to be witty.

Sex with teachers. What next? Sex between married people?

raincoaster said...

Not from what I hear!

Cherrypie said...

I too have noticed strange results from Google searchers. They do not trouble me too much until they start to make return visits. When they commence commenting I will start to worry.

PS. Friends of Viccus, I am NOT nor never have been a nudist acetic acid lover

Vicus Scurra said...

No, Cherrypie, you are the "yoghourt and marmite perversion" link. Just for the sake of clarification.

adqvo - the state of having been intimate with an ancient rock group.