Friday, April 21, 2006

Countdown to the royal divorce - part 11

“And what do you do?”. This is Liz on the telephone at 5:15 a.m.

“I’m your family’s consiglieri, you dozy trollop.” I reply, already weary.

“And how long have you been doing that?”

“Ever since what we refer to as ‘The Snowdon Incident’”, I remind her.

She is very excited about her birthday.

“They’ll all have to sing ‘Happy Birthday’ as well as ‘God Save the Queen’,” she chortles, “then I might make them do it all over again”.

Think of Queeny from Blackadder, and you might get some sense of her mood this morning. She tells me of the little trick she has played on Sophie Wessex. She told her that it is the duty of the wife of the youngest son to personally reply to all the birthday cards – 28,000 at the last count. I keep quiet, I happen to know that even though SW was dumb enough to believe this, she used Word to produce the letters, and now there are 28,000 letters in the Kensington Palace office waiting to be posted, all with the message “What do you do? Have you come far?” in them. She was even bright enough to have scanned her signature, although to the untutored eye the result reads, appropriately, “Soppy Wassock”.

“And what have you bought for me?” Liz again.

“You’ll find it under the tree.” It is cruel, but very difficult to resist.

Of course, I haven’t bought her a present. That all stopped years ago. I bought Charles a pair of fake ears for his 12th birthday, and the soft bastard hasn’t taken them off since.

10 comments:

ChrisWoznitza said...

Hi ich bin Chriswab aus Bottrop !! Viele GrĂ¼sse !!

Vicus Scurra said...

For those of you without translation software, or a knowledge of German, here are some translations of the key words from Chris's post.
Chriswab - transexual disorder, hair like a girl and very small genitals.
Bottrop - a disease of the buttocks, causing furniture to tilt when you sit on it.
Viele Grusse - overinflated idea of one's own importance.
Welcome, Chris! I look forward to many more pithy comments.

caroline said...

Gosh! He sounds a riot! You get all The Best People on here.

Lovely to read you at your best Vicci. DO send Beth my best. She had tea with a couple of NZ twins born on the same day - I saw it on the news. Bethus said:

"D'you know my Mama lived to be 101?"

One of the twins:
"Well, do you think we'll live that long?"

HRM: Oh Goodness, do you think that's necessary?"

Richard said...

Nice to have one of her Maj's relatives pay you a visit.

As I type, Brian May is making his way up to the highest parapet of Windsor Castle and winding the AC30 up to 11. Happy Birthday, Maam!

Mark Gamon said...

Geeze. That Brian. And to think he could have been an astronomer instead.

I think he'd do better with a Fender Twin Reverb myself. They're less pompous-sounding.

Oh. But he was in Queen, right? He'd need pompous-sounding for that...

tkunyyp. The sound of an AC30 being switched out of standby.

Kyahgirl said...

well, I wondered where those ears came from. now I know. Don't do that again. Its painful to look at.

raincoaster said...

Is it true that he can fly with them, though? That would almost be worth it.

Adam said...

Ah! Someone joining the Kronicles Komments that is actually younger than me! And with a worse grasp of the English language!

twqlv- The Worst Quiet: Low Volume. Acronym for faint music that you just can't quite ignore, but is much too quiet to possibly enjoy. Very irritating.

Ruth said...

"A couple of NZ twins born on the same day":
Maybe they do if differently down under, but aren't twins are usually born on the same day?
And while I'm being picky, just how many people are we talking about, hmm?
Two or four? I'm confused now.
fynckfynckfynck: marathon runner.

Vicus Scurra said...

Welcome, Ruth, I don't recall seeing you here before. Sit over there in the corner and we'll bring you your tea when you've met all the others and settled in.
A word of advice. Don't go upsetting Caroline. (I, for instance, only found out recently that she does not take too kindly to being called 'Cazza'. She could have just told me, instead of choosing to scorch my eyebrows). She is a real sweetie with a heart the size of Jupiter, but it does not do to upset her. She'll have one of her little turns, and everyone has to find somewhere else to sit until she calms down.
Now, I think that you were justing teasing by being obtuse, and knew what she meant about the twins, but just to be on the safe side, say something complimentary about her new haircut or something. We are all here because we have difficulty making friends in the non-internet world, so it pays to get along together.