Friday, December 15, 2006

Ho Ho Horseshit

A few random observations for the weekend, which is when no bugger reads the blogs, so I am not making much effort.

Tonight on the wonderful “Have I Got News For You”, with the new James Bond, Boris Johnson, there was much speculation about whether the British royal family were responsible for the death of Dianna. Immediately following the programme, there was a trailer for “Newsnight” in which Dermot Murnaghan said “Tonight we bring you the latest news in the search for the Ipswich serial killer. We have an interview with George Clooney”. It may be all very well teasing prince Philip about underhand and criminal dealings, as he is well known for his sense of humour, but to implicate a Hollywood Megastar in a seedy and sordid crime is entirely a different matter. If anyone reading this is in contact with Mr Clooney, please advise him to get an alibi for the last couple of weeks.

Today while working I chose to have Classic FM TV on in the background to help the cerebral processes. They have some jolly tunes, and occasionally some nice videos to accompany them, but tend towards a plethora of pert choirboys which does not really appeal to me, but, as I say, they have some nice tunes. Except at this time of year. Just when I was looking forward to a couple of hours of pleasant music from Bach, Beethoven and Berlioz, they introduce Bing. Yes, Bing Bollocky Crosby singing about dreaming of a white bollocky christmas. There is just no escape from it. Thank heavens none of you have the poor taste to extol the virtues of this most dire of festivals. There was one blog where the author was asking about the three christmas songs that you hate. Three? Bollocky three? I hate the whole bollocky lot. And don’t send your spotty adolescent sons and daughters round to my house singing about bollocky herald angels, unless you want them returned to you in a box of mince tarts.

Which brings me back to my old friend Nasser Bollocky Hussain. He uses the phrase “he plays his cricket”, for example “he plays his cricket in Durham”. Well who else’s cricket would he play, you prize buffoon? I just wish someone else had played your cricket for you, then we would not have been subjected to over ten bollocky years of Gooch, Atherton, Stewart and Hussain playing for and captaining the England team through the most turgid and unwatchable cricket in living memory. Bollocks.

7 comments:

Dave said...

Glad to see you're getting into the spirit of the season.

ziggi said...

humbug anyone?

Geoff said...

I would kill to work with Bing Bollocky Crosby. I've got George Bollocky Michael and Mariah Titty Carey to contend with.

tom909 said...

Thank you Vicus for bringing to us a much-needed perspective on the festive season. God forbid that seasonal jollity ever be allowed any where near me. And for the record, if you are a carol singer, please please keep well away from my house - just leave me alone ok - and if I hear anyone singing about fucking merry gentlemen, that's it, I'm out of here.

realdoc said...

After undergoing 2 hours of armed combat in Tescos today and that was mostly trying to get into the bollocking car park, and putting up the bollocking tree, no none of last year's lights were working, and writing the bollocking cards, mostly to people who I never contact the rest of the year I have turned to the blogs to escape bollocking Christmas. So I'm with you vicus, bollocks to Christmas and all who sail in her.

Pamela said...

I think it's high time the Ghost of Christmas past, present and future paid you a visit, Mr. Scrooge.

I bet you'd knock tiny Tim's crutch out from under him, wouldn't you?

...God rest ye merry gentlemen, let nothing you dismay...

Vicus Scurra said...

Tiny Tim? Yes, certainly! It's time these people learned to stand on their own two feet.