If you are under 25 I shall need a note from your mum before you can read this. I would hate to be accused of teaching things to the young that their parents would rather not have them know.
Astute readers (if that is not an oxymoron) will have noted that there are plans to make a film about the premiership of Margaret Thatcher, in particular the period leading up to the start of the Malvinas conflict.
The producer, ironically some chap called Damien, has contacted me to see whether I would be interested in the role of Denis. He sounded pleasant enough, but I made it clear that should I pursue this, there was no way in which I would countenance any sex scenes. I know for a fact that the Thatcher marriage was entirely celibate (it is not difficult to imagine, is it?) (The twins were adopted, the result of a liaison, much better not speculated upon, between Keith Joseph and a member of a species of mammal now extinct.) I am therefore insisting that they find a leading lady whose hideousness approaches that of the Thatch. I suggested the woman who plays Deirdre Barlow, Janet Street-Porter and the surviving one out of the “Two Fat Ladies”, although the dead one might be a closer match. None of them are quite bad enough though, so do not be too disappointed if I turn the role down. Although I will be very tempted appear if only to utter the line “The Belgrano is sailing away from the islands, you murderous, fascist, revolting fucking cunt.”