Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Let's all be nice to each other, shall we?

If you are under 25 I shall need a note from your mum before you can read this. I would hate to be accused of teaching things to the young that their parents would rather not have them know.


Astute readers (if that is not an oxymoron) will have noted that there are plans to make a film about the premiership of Margaret Thatcher, in particular the period leading up to the start of the Malvinas conflict.

The producer, ironically some chap called Damien, has contacted me to see whether I would be interested in the role of Denis. He sounded pleasant enough, but I made it clear that should I pursue this, there was no way in which I would countenance any sex scenes. I know for a fact that the Thatcher marriage was entirely celibate (it is not difficult to imagine, is it?) (The twins were adopted, the result of a liaison, much better not speculated upon, between Keith Joseph and a member of a species of mammal now extinct.) I am therefore insisting that they find a leading lady whose hideousness approaches that of the Thatch. I suggested the woman who plays Deirdre Barlow, Janet Street-Porter and the surviving one out of the “Two Fat Ladies”, although the dead one might be a closer match. None of them are quite bad enough though, so do not be too disappointed if I turn the role down. Although I will be very tempted appear if only to utter the line “The Belgrano is sailing away from the islands, you murderous, fascist, revolting fucking cunt.”

18 comments:

Betty said...

Just looked at the enlarged version of the avatar picture. With a shave and a bit more attention to the hair, you could be a pretty convincing Mrs T., if you could cope with the death threats. Oh, and getting that stooping, odd walk of hers right may be difficult.

an astute reader said...

if the marriage was celebate, why would you need to do a sex scene?

Vicus Scurra said...

"An astute reader". We don't get many of those. And, not wishing to be picky, it is "celibate". Do I have to explain what I was saying? I prefer not to.
Betty, the odd way of walking is apparently easy to affect after being anally penetrated by a stallion, according to my sources.

Rol Hirst said...

It'll be Mirren, I bet you 5p.

MJ said...

Salma Hayek.

Hideous. Absolutely hideous.

Vicus Scurra said...

Rol. Not Patricia Routledge then?
MJ. Shall I put your name forward?

MJ said...

Only if we have a sex scene together.

not such an astute reader then said...

Sorry, celibate - be as picky as you like, I know my spelling is crap. And no, of course you don't have to explain. I'll shut the f*ck up and go back to lurking!

Vicus Scurra said...

No, no, there is no need to be shy here. Join in, see how much it helps all of us.

Ima Lurker said...

My brother named his labrador Maggie so he could curse at "Maggie." If the dog wasn't already dead I was gonna suggest it's ass end would work quite well.

Richard said...

Miriam Morgolies as Maggie, Bill Nighy as Peter Carrington, Richard Griffiths as Gen. Galtieri and Hugh Lawrie as Ronald Reagan. I can see you as John Nott. Can you do petulance? Script by Alan Bennett.

Richard said...

Oh bollocks, Miriam Margolyes. Or Prunella Scales.

Vicus Scurra said...

Can I do petulance? Cheeky Sod.
I'm fed up with this interview. Really, it's ridiculous.

Richard said...

In the film he goes straight round to No 10 after the interview for a cup of tea and an abernethy biscuit or two.

Homo Escapeons said...

The comeback role of a lunchtime for Samantha Fox!

Mr. X said...

Judy Dench as Maggie. She seems to get in absolutely bloody everywhere else, after all.
Betty might have a point, though. All you'd need is the handbag...

Vicus Scurra said...

Mr X. You are very welcome here. Please settle down and make yourself at home. Have you met the others? Probably best to wait a while.
I notice from your nice web journal that you are willing to run around naked for five quid. There is no call for that sort of thing in North East Hampshire, but some of my other readers may want to avail themselves of your services.

Mr. X said...

Thank you Vicus. These days my rates are so utterly outrageous it wouldn't happen.

And I don't give refunds.

Well, not unless the lady had very big boobs and no morals whatsoever, anyway.