I have noticed an increase in traffic this morning, thanks to a link from Mike, so I thought it would be nice to have a little tidy up around here to make the new visitors welcome. You remember at school when there were visitors? How we all made a special effort? Well, let’s do it properly this time.
I have assigned tasks to some of you, but just because you are not specifically mentioned does not mean that you are not a vital part of the team, so buck up. This will also serve as an introduction to you to the countless stream of nice people coming through here, so it is in your own best interest to behave. (I hope all these buggers do not leave a mess).
- Dave: You are in charge of bidding a nice goodbye to everyone on their way out. Shake hands and smile, and hand out the leaflets about future attractions.
- Pamela: I think all that we can expect from you is to keep your clothes on this time, and not regale visitors with tales of your illness. It is not nice.
- Richard: Please do not leave sports related comments everywhere, people trip over and not everyone is keen on them. Sadly, that is true.
- Tom: do NOT touch. Remember what the judge said.
- Mark: make sure that everyone is briefed about whatever is happening in the world of
- Betty: We are not at home to Mrs Scatological.
- Geoff: Look after Betty, and make sure that no one leaves my nice articles in the wrong order.
- FFE – revert to your former profession for a while, please, and check the standard of any comments left for syntactical inexactitudes and sesquipedalian circumlocution.
- Zoe. Point out to everyone that you really are my friend and great admirer, and you were only joking with all of those very rude and hurtful comments.
- Adam. Don’t do that.
- Boris. Hide in the corner please, I love you dearly, but people might get the wrong idea.
Can you all make sure to point out to visitors that the information here is confidential; if any of them start poking about in the sections about my friends the Windsor-Mountbattens, be very diligent in pointing out the privacy rules.
So, welcome to all of you nice new people. Have you met the staff? I see them more as friends, which speaks volumes for my charitable nature, doesn’t it? Some of them have quite nice little homes of their own, which you can visit by means of the nice links that I have left, but I can’t take responsibility for what you find there. Some of them are less meticulous than I am. If you use the archives, please leave things as you found them. Have a nice time, ask me for help if you need it. No smoking or consumption of non-vegetarian food on the premises please.
34 comments:
What on earth have I just wandered into?
Hello, I suppose. This is nice of you to make it possible for newcomers to drop in, even if they have nothing to say.
I arrived smoking, I'm sorry to tell, but I stubbed it out on your lawn - so no harm done. I frequently give up meat, as well.
Ho-hum. Bye, then.
Kind regards etc....
TPE
(I have a feeling I recognise both Richard and Pamela from elsewhere - small world, surely)
There you are everyone, you see how rewarding it is when we make an effort? Such a nice class of visitor.
TPE. Welcome. I will be over to your place shortly. Don't go to any trouble.
Were we supposed to wipe our feet first?
Ah, sorry, was that a new carpet...oh...
P.S. Do we get oranges at half-time as well?
Mr X, really, you are relatively new here, but it is so typical of the Thatcherite gimme culture that engulfs us that you want oranges at half time. And then I suppose you will be wiping your sticky digits all over my photographs and essays. I am a tolerant chap by nature, but you wouldn't like to see me when I'm cross.
Now, if everyone can keep to the left, you won't get in everyone's way quite so much.
I hate to be a sneak, but I saw someone running in the corridor.
Arabella, I commend your vigilance. Did you reprimand the offender. Please remember to use minimal violence, and always administer it with love.
I have a supply of "stingers" that the North East Hampshire Police Force use to apprehend speeding criminals on the roads, in my office. Let me know where I should deploy them.
Let's be tolerant though, remember how excited you were when you first came here?
Goodbye everyone. I do hope you enjoyed your little outing. Perhaps they will allow you to come out again tomorrow.
If so, and you would care to visit a site of some antiquity and stare at the relics, may I take this opportunity to point you in the right direction?
No? Ah well.
Yes, sir, you may put yourshoes back on now. I have placed your son's hot-dog by the garden gate.
I'm sure our host, in his heart of hearts, hopes that I will wish that you all have a nice day.
Thank you Dave. You are a very good boy. One would almost think that you had done this sort of thing before.
Hello
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.
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nothing for me to do then? I have experience of milk monitoring - any good?
.
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Bye Dave
Ziggi! You can be in charge of taking the register. I want to know who comes here, and which of them is up to no good.
Thank you.
Now, there have been far more people here than usual today, most of them sent over here by that nice Mike. And a jolly nice bunch they have been, even if they didn't say much. BUT.
There was one nasty person who arrived here by searching for "free vue dirty girls shagging" into a search engine. I want that person identified and escorted from the premises please. I have nothing against shagging as such, but I would rather that this site leaned towards the cerebral. Any volunteers for security? Rol, are you muscular?
Don't be fooled, he's only after your soap money.
TPE, yes it is us. We don't get out much. This is the blogging equivalent of a pop-in parlour.
see, at first i was going to congratulate you for making the cut? but i have to go clap erasers out in the hall.
Just let me know if anyone else misbehaves. I'll happily (with great glee, actually) stab them with a knitting needle or two. That should hurt.
I'll just go and clean the blackboards, then.
Hey, is that somebody smoking behind the bike sheds?
any chance of a cup of coffee? please. . . shortbread (for dunking)?
and I can't seem to find the guidebook. . . do you sell ice-creams in the interval? (I don't want any of this frozen yoghurt nonsense) is there a gift shop?
not that I'm fussy (but I am slightly nervous of leaving a comment and having my head bitten off)
ILTV, nice to see you over here, even if you tend towards being needy, and have scant regard for the precepts of punctuation. Try just to be happy to be part of the team here. I think the rush has ended now, so we can all take a well earned rest.
Not so fast, Sir, please, your rest can wait. Some of us are still feeling dazed and frightened (yes, frightened) by this whole affair.
Let it be known, then, that I certainly played no part in the "free vue dirty girls shagging" means of electronic misdirection to these most upstanding pages. No.
For the record, I arrived here directly from the site of one Boris Johnson MP - having seen you there, loitering, in a conversation about Princess Diana.
It is up to your good self and your readers, I suppose, to establish which route here was dirtier.
Needless to say, I feel I arrived here with my reputation intact. Leaving in a similar state is proving altogether more troublesome, however.
Very nice to have met you, Vicus Scurra, and please don't feel obliged to pay a return visit (although I applaud your kind sentiment) - my comments are usually disabled, anyway. Sorry about that.
Richard - hello there. I thought it was you. That is very good news indeed that you rarely get out. SNAP! I rarely get out either. It's brilliant, isn't it? Staying indoors assures the hermit of only encountering like-minded people. I swear by it. Keeps arguments to a minimum, as well, in theory.
Kind regards to both and all,
TPE
but i DON'T like you, you grumpy old fart. i'm not pretending anything. and as for the messages that you leave ME - well ...
christmas cards on their way - just not to you.
Oh Zed! You are such a tease!
I have been here before, but didn't comment coz I thought it was rude to talk to strangers. But as you've welcomed me so nicely, I thought I'd sign your visitors book.
Jane. You seem like a very nice polite young lady. Exactly what we are looking for here.
Thank you.
I hope that some of it can rub off on the others. (Don't take any notice if any of them suggest anything to do with rubbing, though).
Mahster Scurra,
Shall I have the staff bring tea to the garden or the sitting room?
For dinnah tonight, I've instructed the kitchen to prepare a roast seasoned in burgundy, garlic and thyme along with parboiled potatoes, steamed green peas, soup, salad and a trifle.
Would mahster prefer a 1948 vintage merlot or a 1951 Atlee socialist bottle of backwash?
I've had the housekeepers - including the horse-faced one who slips off every Thursday night with that Mr. Branagh from down the lane - turn down the beds.
FFE.
Did you not read my ruling on vegetarian food? And just because some Brits do not pronounce the letter "R" at the end of a word (although this is only generally true in the London area) you should not make fun of those of us who cannot pronounce at the beginning of a word.
After all, what did the Brits do to you? Apart from the Pilgrim fathers, Engelbert Humperdinck and Sheena Easton?
OK. I guess you have a point.
Not to worry mahster - the roast was made by Archer Daniels Midland from soy and corn refuse from their ethanol processing operations.
And while you more than made up for M. Humperdinck and Mme. Easton by Tom Jones, Kate Bush, Helen Mirren and burning the White House, there still is the small matter of the Anabaptists and Cliff Richards' 1970's hit "Devil Woman" . . .
Sherry for the guests, suh? Or shall I have the bobbies bring the Black Maria?
All sounds good Vicus...
Melissa
@ Boris-Johnson.com
Melissa!
How good to hear from you. I am so glad we went to all this effort to prepare the site for you. Such a pleasant change to get a nice visitor, so much better than the normal riff-raff.
Well done everyone.
We might get Goldie Hawn next.
I brought my own coffee today, and a some pot in case I could offer anyone else some
or maybe the riff raff prefer tea?
(as I wander about aimlessly, I'm humming Tie a Yellow Ribbon Round the Old Oak Tree, for some reason totally beyond me at this time in the morning)
sorry: riff-raff
I do apologise, Vicus. I suspect ILTV came here through following links on my site. I see she has now brought some pot into your home. Unaccustomed as you are to visits from the drugs squad, I shall quickly usher her off the premises.
ILTV, you are very welcome.
Dave, don't worry about your lady friend. I refuse to believe that anyone who refers to cannabis resin as "pot" has ever smoked it.
*slips back in when Dave's elsewhere*
I meant some more coffee in a pot
oops
was so worried about my punctuation and spelling that I couldn't even type what I meant to
and you're quite right Vicus, I'm far too sweet and innocent to have any such experience
Some of my friends are here so I thought it might be alright if I popped in, too.I left a half-crown in that big jardiniere by the "powder room."
I'm sure Ziggi would vouch for me.I can spell.
bugger, they've all gone . . .
and I was wearing this thong just for you Vicus
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