Thursday, March 08, 2007

Who says he doesn't smoke dope?

Not for the first time, I have to extend my sympathies to my non UK readers (a Mrs Trellis of North Wollongong) who have only had exposure to the information pouring from that veritable organ, The Telegraph, since the dawning of the electronic age. For over a hundred and fifty years readers of said organ have been able to absorb news from around, well, the Telegraph, as they break their fast each morning. Only those blessed with acute perspicacity are able to distinguish the current edition from the previous one, and, indeed, if the newsagent were to deliver a copy from 1873, then a mere handful of customers would notice.

It is this continuity that provided structure in the latter days of the empire, and leads to a feeling of contentment against a backdrop of a bewildering world in the breasts of the British gentry.

It is therefore strangely comforting to discover, due to the good graces of the writers of the Telegraph, that the current Pope, “Ratty” to his mates, does not indulge in a huge love of popular music. Apparently, he is also a Roman Catholic. I will return to this theme.

The article from which I learned these important lessons describes how Ratty, when he was a mere cardinal, attempted to intervene in a concert organised by the church in which the popular beat singer, Mr Robert Dylan, was due to perform. It appears that Ratty’s objection was not to Mr Dylan being “up himself”, which would have had some justification, but rather that he saw him as some sort of evangelical threat to the stability of the church. John Paul, on the other hand, adopted some of the words as performed by Mr Dylan as the basis of his sermon. Fortunately, or perhaps not, on this particular day Mr Dylan had chosen to perform “Blowin’ in the Wind” rather than “Lay, Lady, Lay” or “Positively 4th Street”. I will desist from further comment on Mr Dylan as it upsets Mark so, and we can ill afford that.

What you have read so far is what the Telegraph would like you to believe. The head of the catholic church is a conservative, reactionary traditionalist with strong views about the need to keep things as they are. There is a lot to be said for keeping things as they are. This is the way God created the world, and woe betide anyone who queries the design.

However, I should let you know that in this report, as in many others, the Telegraph has crossed the boundary of accuracy, by some considerable distance. I telephoned Ratty this morning. He was a little annoyed that I called while “Wheel of Fortune” was on, but either because of his impeccable manners, or his desire not to lose me as an advisor, he managed to gloss over it. Within a few minutes we were chatting away and reminiscing about the many times that we spent together, prominent among which was the time that, high on mescaline, we tried to urinate on Leonard Cohen while he was singing “Suzanne” at the Isle of Wight festival in 1970. During our conversation, I was sure I could detect the beat to “Pinball Wizard” in the background. Ratty was famous for finishing mass with a very passable impersonation of Pete Townshend which would culminate in smashing a wooden guitar into the font. For several years I have been acting as an emissary to try to organise a tour for the Grateful Dead. It has been my ambition to have the pope as a replacement for Jerry Garcia, although we are both aware that God’s vicar on earth is not a sufficiently exalted position to fill that role. Things were going quite well, apart from the continued habit of drummers dying, and our not wanting to be seen to nominate someone for this apparently jinxed position. “No bastard would mind if we got Nancy Reagan to do it”, his holiness confided. I have my doubts however.

So, kids, you cannot, alas, believe all that you read in the media. While it may be some time before the church publicly embraces rock and roll, and we see Grace Slick appointed as Cardinal of San Francisco, do not be too surprised if the contents of your last confession feature in the lyrics on the new Kaiser Chiefs album.

16 comments:

Dave said...

Being a Times man myself, I have to say this all has the ring of truth.

Betty said...

I'm surprised that the present, goose stepping Pope has an interest in any music beyond Wagner or Bavarian oompah bands.

I'm even more surprised that you've heard of the Kaiser Chiefs, Vicus. They're the new Tremeloes, y'know.

tom909 said...

ooooh Betty, that's a bit below the belt there, on the kaiser Chiefs.
But yes Vicus, I can back you up 100% on the current pope being a bit of a goer. Unlike you, I have no evidence for this, I'm just feeling very supportive this morning.

Geoff said...

"Pope tried to stop concert by Bob Dylan"

Was it him that shouted out "Judas!"?

Edseverripit said...

Most people are afraid of saying this, but hey, you get that.

Vicus Scurra said...

Edseverripit. Welcome. What a quaint name.

Ziggi said...

this post was far to long to read but I'm glad to see you're still alive - did you enjoy the rugby?

First Nations said...

he borrowed my Monkees Live album back in 1973 and hasn't returned it, the prick.

raincoaster said...

It's because Dylan's Jewish. Pope Rat plays true to type, I must say.

Although if I were forced to sit and listen to that self-indulgent whiner for two hours I might become violent myself. Cohen can't sing, but at least he's just boring, not actively painful, to listen to.

Vicus Scurra said...

Raincoaster, are you deliberately trying to upset Mark?

Arabella said...

There's something more bonkers than the shenannigans in the 60s of the Episcopal Bishop of California, James Pike?

raincoaster said...

Vicus: yes.

Adam said...

I think I know what JP II would have said to Ratty's decision:

"Dear sir, that is unnecessary ."

/Protestant
//Not anti-Catholic
///Just a bad person

rfqwhiu- Latin for "N**** please."

Homo Escapeons said...

That explains why there are still the puffs of smoke rising up at the Vatican!

Vicus Scurra said...

HE, you are very warmly welcomed to continue submitting comments of that quality.

broomhilda said...

Well since I can only get BBC America, I must say that I am both shocked and amazed that "Ratty" would behave uin such a manner. And after all that acid I gave him...
I wouldn't worry about upsetting Mark, he is more fun when he is upset.