Saturday, March 17, 2007

Please form an orderly queue

I sit in a somewhat tired and resigned way hoping that there will be no more contact from the mass media, at least for a few hours.

My decision to allow my work to appear in print has caused a frenzy of interest around the world. Despite the good causes that will benefit – probably to the tune of several billion pounds, I feel that there is only so much that I can give, and I may have to cut off communication in order to recuperate.

Inevitably, it was the BBC who were first. I turned down Jeremy Paxman, opting instead to be interviewed by Ainsley Harriott (I know his name sounds girly, but he is very butch in person), as I thought that gravitas was essential to the project. You will be able to see the interview in which I describe how I intend to bring world peace, find a cure for gout, stop the slave trade in Toronto and prepare a meal for six using only a turnip, some bean sprouts and a packet of green lentils for under £4.50 shortly.

The Daily Express were obviously given preference to other less reputable British newspapers, and I guided their less perspicacious readers through those passages in “Shaggy Blog Stories” that give final proof that Princess Diana was murdered by Donny Osmond.

I have had my shed photographed for a sixteen page spread in “Hello” magazine, and my inner thigh photographed for “Hello Sailor!” magazine.

The Times of India were keen to explore my views on multiculturalism, and whether Oxford United would return to the football league this season.

I am a little vague about the video interview that I did for the “Men and Motors” channel, and think that I should not have been so candid in my meeting with the gardening correspondent from “Thrusting Teutonic Twinks” magazine.

It is all getting very fraught.

Have you bought the book yet?

17 comments:

Dave said...

Well done.

I, like the view said...

how interesting!

:-)

ziggi said...

can have you autograph please?


(shame about the cricket - see what happens when you take your eye off the ball and go for self gratification?)

Arabella said...

www.maxclifford.com
I think now is the right time.

raincoaster said...

Oh for fuck's sake! What are we supposed to do without our Torontonian slaves, eh?

Martha said...

I believe the Petone Herald would like a full page spread.

Vicus Scurra said...

Thank you. I love you all, and will never forget you, even at the moment of cashing the Nobel Literature Prize cheque.

Rol Hirst said...

As long as you don't end up appearing in sketches with Catherine Tate or Bono. Hold onto your self-respect!

zoe said...

you've changed my link - i've only just noticed. right, vicus, i have declared war.

you grumpy old fart.

raincoaster said...

I will appear in anything with Bono provided it involves nudity. Just in case you're chatting with him...

Vicus Scurra said...

Zoe! I'm so sorry! It was a typo and I have corrected it! Where's my fucking Christmas Card?
Raincoaster. Bono has given me details about the last time you appeared naked with him. I rather wish that he hadn't.

zoe said...

VICUS! are you retarded or what ? i'm about to bombard you with christmas cards. you've asked for it.

I, like the view said...

hmmmmm

vicus used the love word. . .

what is the word coming to?

realdoc said...

I go away for a bit and not only does vicus get published but Ireland beat Pakistan at cricket, blimey.

Richard said...

I was listening on Sunday to the aftermath of Andrew Flintoff's attempt to become a true corinthian and guess who was hauled up as a rent-a-quote? Using the words "stupid" and "thick" in his assessment of Fred's heroics instead of "about bloody time" was none other than that twat Alec Stewart. I suppose it would never have happened in his Dad's day. But then, neither did much else.

Daphne Wayne-Bough said...

I will gladly translate it into fourteen languages for international distribution. Funny, I haven't heard from Hello and I'm in it too. Perhaps Belgian sheds are not so interesting to them.

Homo Escapeons said...

Too late.
Katty Kay gave me her copy last in bed after I lit a ciggie for her.