Please form an orderly queue

I sit in a somewhat tired and resigned way hoping that there will be no more contact from the mass media, at least for a few hours.

My decision to allow my work to appear in print has caused a frenzy of interest around the world. Despite the good causes that will benefit – probably to the tune of several billion pounds, I feel that there is only so much that I can give, and I may have to cut off communication in order to recuperate.

Inevitably, it was the BBC who were first. I turned down Jeremy Paxman, opting instead to be interviewed by Ainsley Harriott (I know his name sounds girly, but he is very butch in person), as I thought that gravitas was essential to the project. You will be able to see the interview in which I describe how I intend to bring world peace, find a cure for gout, stop the slave trade in Toronto and prepare a meal for six using only a turnip, some bean sprouts and a packet of green lentils for under £4.50 shortly.

The Daily Express were obviously given preference to other less reputable British newspapers, and I guided their less perspicacious readers through those passages in “Shaggy Blog Stories” that give final proof that Princess Diana was murdered by Donny Osmond.

I have had my shed photographed for a sixteen page spread in “Hello” magazine, and my inner thigh photographed for “Hello Sailor!” magazine.

The Times of India were keen to explore my views on multiculturalism, and whether Oxford United would return to the football league this season.

I am a little vague about the video interview that I did for the “Men and Motors” channel, and think that I should not have been so candid in my meeting with the gardening correspondent from “Thrusting Teutonic Twinks” magazine.

It is all getting very fraught.

Have you bought the book yet?