Sunday, June 08, 2008

I hope that this helps

Having spent the day away from the computer screen and interacting with others of the species, I thought I would share with you some of the wisdom that I have dispensed during the course of my busy day. After all, it would be unfair not to spread it around.

Friend to Scurra: “How come your wife doesn’t complain about you like mine does about me?”
Scurra to friend: “She’s waiting for yours to finish – it’s only been 20 years”.

Friend to Scurra and others: “When I was in India I had a thorough medical check – it only cost 5,000 rupees*. I asked the doctor if I was OK and what I should do. He said that I should take it easy – after work, I should have dinner and sit and relax with a couple of beers for the evening”. (Scornful laugh from friend’s wife).
Scurra: “You should have gone to the 10,000 rupee doctor, he would have told you to have sex as well.”

*5,000 rupees = approximately £60 or US$5,000.

Then on the way home I realised that, frivolous though I might appear to some, I was probably in the upper ranks of those offering advice. Having tuned in to a radio station that was playing nice music, I was somewhat alarmed to find that it was psychic help time. Some woman wanted confirmation that now was a good time to leave her partner. For fuck’s sake. I didn’t hang around for the answer. On consideration, these airheads can’t be doing too much harm. If anyone is chronically stupid enough to pay them any attention, then the chances are that any advice given would be better than said fuckwit could imagine for themselves. I think I might apply for the job. I could do that. Sit there pretending that uncle Herbert, who was congenitally thick and incoherent throughout his life had been transformed into a purveyor of wisdom as a result of decomposition or being burnt. I fear, however, I might be a little extreme. I am not sure whether I could keep up the pretence of revering the dead, a group of people who, by definition, have already made one enormous miscalculation.

Anyone out there need any help from the spirits?

23 comments:

Dave said...

My cheque for £6,000 is in the post. Perhaps you could change it into dollars for me.

Vicus Scurra said...

Yes, I will do that, having extracted an entirely fair administration charge.

raincoaster.com said...

You should definitely have a call-in show where you dispense advice. For one thing, there's a shitload of money in it and you'd owe me for even suggesting it, so there's something in it for me.

For another, you could tell all the really, really stupid people that it's important that they have their gonads removed, because unless this step is taken their lives are in danger. And it's true; when stupid people breed, it incites in me an entirely justifiable murderous rage.

Did you know there's a book, Sex for Dummies? Dummies are having entirely TOO MUCH sex; why would anyone encourage them? They should all be spayed and neutered. Both. Just to make sure.

MJ said...

Dear Visionary Vicus:

What should be the topic of my next blog post?

zoe said...

I think that you should start doing podcasts. I'm available for interview anytime - as long as Eastenders isn't on.

Richard said...

"Anyone out there need any help from the spirits?"

Since an arsehole of a lodger stole all my single malt and Irish whiskey, yes please. Any idea how that costs to replace?

ziggi said...

certainly do, I can't get the lid off.

Vicus Scurra said...

MJ - you should write a nice cheery article about children skipping in the park, roses blooming and birds singing.
Zoe. I will do that if my negotiations to take over from Paxman fall through.
Richard, Ziggi. Play on words. I get it. You guys, honestly.

Donn said...

I'm torn between donating to the Vagino-Labiaplasty Association of Beverly Hills or Oxfam?
Bugger!

grannyp said...

Would love your advice Vicus. But only if it comes free....

lucyfishwife said...

I would like to contact the spirit of Steve McQueen. Could you ask him if my bum looks big in these jeans?

Kindness said...

I would like to know if Tom will eventually make us read more about the shithouses he has used. Please tell me no...

Vicus Scurra said...

Donn. Just give to where it feels right.
And don't call me "bugger".
Granny. How could I possibly charge after all of the free entertainment you have provided?
Lucy. He said that it looks much bigger out of them. Please don't blame me, I only pass on what comes through from the spirits.
Kindness. I suspect that he will. In 1971 I spent nearly an hour in his shithouse. This was due to the effects of LSD and not Tom's cooking or any gastronomic disorde - I just couldn't think of a reason for leaving. I, of course, am too sensible to write about that. However, since you ask, and I am obligated to please my customers, "No".

Pamela said...

Vicus, I could use some free advice. Oh wait, you're charging for it then? Nevermind.

Kindness said...

oh thank god... I mean you... I mean the holy ghost... no really... you.

tom909 said...

Vicus, the day I come to you for advice just shoot me ok!

Since you ask Kindness, I will email you details of the 97 other shithouses featured in my latest book. Everyone else can wait till its published and bloody well pay for it.

Kate said...

Hi Vicus, Count me in as far as the reading of your blog is concerned ! Have followed you from your comment at Dottynana's, I too thought that Olbermann did a great job on tearing 'Bugger it up ' Bush to pieces! This is my first visit and I bow to your vast knowledge hehe.. I also quite like your sense of humour..... Thanks for the entertainment! Cheers!
P.S. I got no money though so I will just sit at your feet and try to catch the titbits of knowledge as they fall! hehehe....

Leni Qinan said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Leni Qinan said...

Anybody wants to know the lottery winning number? I bet the spirits know that.

Adam said...

I think that you may appreciate what The Best Page in the Universe has to say on this topic.

Vicus Scurra said...

Pamela. I would not dream of trying to extort money from you or any of my other followers. I suggest you save it up for your children's therapy.
Kindness. We all contain a spark of the divine, so don't be confused. It's just that God likes to fuck about with us by hiding it.
Tom. You know that I am not a practitioner of violence. In your case, the court order is sufficient.
Kate! Welcome! I don't charge for my advice - how could I? Look for vast improvements to your life now that you have visited.
Comment deleted. I agree.
Leni. The spirits know that pursuit of material happiness is illusory, and will not indulge in sharing the information that you refer to. They will, however, let you know ... oh, wait, I'm not supposed to tell you that.
Adam! Congratulations on the graduation - why don't you put some of those nice pictures of you in drag on your blog, so that those people who are not your friends on facebook can enjoy them too?

Leni Qinan said...

Comment deleted was mine -I made a mistake, as usual. I'm not a native speaker and it happens to me very often- :(

I thought the spirits would have told you that, hahaha.

Ps.- If you're not supposed to tell me something, pls don't start telling me. I'm biting my nails since yesterday, Vicus. Have mercy.

Donn said...

Well then, the Vagino-Labiaplasty Association of Beverly Hills it tiz!

Thank You.