Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Hands up, class, anyone who can tell me what this is

I recall an Andy Capp cartoon* in which he says to his wife “I’ve just read another article about how boozing is bad for you, I’m going to give it up”, “You’re going to give up boozing?” asks the astonished Mrs Capp. “No, stupid, reading”.

I feel a strange empathy with him, having perused the online Torygraph. Even in Kali Yuga some of these stories are barely credible. The first one concerns the criminal activities of an elected politician. This dastardly villain travelled to Iraq and purloined a cigar case belonging to a government minister there. Astonishingly, the Torygraph gives this footpad – who goes under the unlikely name of ‘Boris Johnson’ – space on their website to justify his actions. Johnson was educated at Eton. Can you imagine their giving the same space to Kevin Spode of Hackney to explain why he nicked a Twix bar from WHSmith? Or invite Herbert “Fingers” McGillicuddy of Salford the opportunity to inform readers of his motives in breaking and entering the premises at 77, Kropotkin Road, Wilmslow and tea-leafing a Ratsarse 7485 DVD player? I say that 25 days in the stocks at the Tower is the only suitable punishment for Johnson. Only when justice is done and seen to be done will our streets become safe. I have done my bit by searching down the blog of this Johnson cove and leaving him a piece of my mind.

Equally noteworthy is the story of Ms Pritchett, a schoolteacher from Alabama, who has been accused of having sex with eight boys. Not all at the same time, apparently. Whenever I read one of these stories, I am saddened that these studies were not on the curriculum when I was a lad. Young people these days have so many more opportunities. This chance has well and truly passed me by. Even the youngest of my teachers would be getting on for seventy now, and I am not sure that I could rise to the occasion, as it were. Anyway, Ms Pritchett was a sponsor of the Christian Athlete’s Club. I don’t recall there being one of those at my school. I would not have qualified for membership by either criteria, so perhaps I am destined to be unmolested. Ms Pritchett faces two charges of second degree sodomy. I was intrigued by this phrase. It occurred to me, briefly, that she was awarding marks in the subject, based upon technique, penetration or artistic interpretation, but on doing a little research find that it is to do with one of the participants being on the other side of 21 to the other. Another disappointment.

I think that is enough slander** and smut for today. I will not comment on the headline “Bishop urges clampdown on homosexuality”. That would be like stealing cigar cases from fascists – much too easy.

* Andy Capp – for non-Daily-Mirror-reading viewers - was a cartoon character based on an educated George Bush.

** Yes, Dave, I know that it is libel and not slander, but slander scans better.

32 comments:

lucyfishwife said...

Wasn't there a story about Derek Hatton on a Liverpool to London train - he got the guy sitting opposite him to hand him his Rolex, saying "Watch this, it's a magic trick, I'll make it disappear", then got off the train..? Still makes me laugh. Now THAT'S an honest politician.

Rol said...

"...based on an educated George Bush"

Surely that's an oxymoron?

Richard said...

Still trying to work out who got sodomised.

Vicus Scurra said...

Lucy. That's a new one for me. I would hate for our international audience to think that our politicians were corrupt - that would never do.
Rol. Are you saying that he is incapable of being educated? A tad harsh.
Richard. I don't think it was you, so don't fret.

Donnnnn said...

I gave up reading about 3 years ago, which is more or less the same time that I started Blogging.
I've never felt better.

The story about the eight boys from 'Bama who studied Octopuss with their Biology teacher proves that kids learn 'gooder' in smaller classes, especially when coupled with a hands-on approach...

or were they stumped on the 'new' math?

Dave said...

I see you have given this Boris chap a piece of your mind. A win-win situation all round:

He gains something he sorely needed.

You lose something you have shown no evidence of needing.

Vicus Scurra said...

Donn. Do you have schools in Canada too?
Dave. If only I could find someone who wanted you.

I, like the view, still said...

what I don't quite get, forgive me if I'm being a tad slow (I do have an excellent excuse at present, as you may recall). . .

. . .but why is it relevant where BJ was educated? I'm sure that an "education" doesn't stop someone's criminal intentions

it might mean that they earn a higher salary and can afford better legal representation (but neither of those is a given, in this day and age)

just wonderin', not trying to be difficult (much)

love and kisses in abundance!

Vicus Scurra said...

ILTV - I was suggesting that BoJo might not have been given the column space had he attended the Bradford Secondary Modern.
You must remember that the Torygraph is produced by people who think that it is still 1850.
And thank you for the love and kisses. I shall treasure them.

KAZ said...

'Second degree sodomy' ....
Do you get a PhD for that?

Vicus Scurra said...

Kaz. One might. I don't, and hope never to. I'll be buggered if I'm going to indulge in those sort of practices.

Richard said...

You're right it wasn't.

To be fair to Boris, had I been in a similar situation I'd have nicked it too, guessing quite correctly that the owner would have no further use for it, but then I went to a comprehensive school. Had it still been a grammar I would have been expected to ask first.

Dave said...

Richard, I think that is the first time the phrase 'To be fair to Boris' has ever appeared on this blog.

Vicus Scurra said...

Richard. You may well have taken it, but had your crime been discovered you would have been taken out and shot, not given the opportunity to protest in a national newspaper.
Dave. I am always fair to Boris, and to everyone else. Baldy.

Readers (aMToNW and ILTV), unaware of the deep affection I have for Dave may be under the impression that our exchanges here are characteristic of immature men in the twilight years unable to let go of the macho posturing that was a feature of their adolescence. They would be correct. I am now going, as a penance (albeit an enjoyable one), to post a comment on Dave's blog, to give him the opportunity to reciprocate.

Dave said...

Not only that, but the comment he has just posted at my place is so riddled with errors that it is hardly worth reading.

Vicus Scurra said...

I like to think that I fit in with the environment.

Dave said...

Having met you, Vic, I can think of few places where you would fit in seamlessly.

SEH said...

Sorry to read about Herbert “Fingers” McGillicuddy* going 'bad' - if I remember correctly, wasn't one of his relatives a Police Sergeant in the Irish village of Puckoon? Honestly, Spike would turn in his grave.

*Note the discreet name change, Sgt. McGillikuddie

Vicus Scurra said...

Are you people going to stand for this? My comment on Boris's site has been deleted. I've been fucking moderated! Bastards.
All I did was accuse him of nicking stuff from my house, and said that Tariq Aziz was also missing a copy of "Busty Baghdad Broads".
I may be forced not to vote Conservative at the next election.

Richard said...

I'm astounded. Have you tried to re-post it? If I had the time* I would be over there like a shot complaining.

*And could be bothered

Donnnnn said...

"Wisdom hath her excesses, and no less need of 'moderation' than folly."
De Montaigne

"Everything in 'moderation'."
Aristotle Onassis..
no wait, make that just plain Aristotle

..and I am spent, c'est ca,
c'est tout, that's it.
I got nuthin!

Donnnnn said...

oh..
for gawdsake just leave Tariq's sh*t az iz!

dinahmow said...

I see the oxymoron has been noted.

garfer said...

I generally wax my moustache whilst reading the Torygraph.

If that Boris cove had been with my regiment in the Crimea and stolen an officers cigar case the bounder would have been detrousered and soundly birched.

I'd give that Florence Nightingale one.

Boz said...

I've got a Ratsarse 7485 DVD player. It's alright, but I much prefer my friend's Gnatschuff 900 portable DVD device.

Vicus Scurra said...

Richard. Haven't tried to post again. I miss Melissa.
Donn. That was offensive. We don't hold with cleaning up cussing with asterisks here.
Dinahmow. Thank you for checking.
Garfer. You sound like the sort of loony who will fit in nicely here. Welcome.
Boz. Thank you for that information. I will consult you when I need some new toys.

tom909 said...

I know I am a slow, and come from a very sheltered background, but how the fuck does a woman commit sodomy (just off to google to check I got the right defintion)

'an act of "unnatural" sexual intercourse normally interpreted in religion as referring to both oral sex and anal intercourse, as well as bestiality'.

Ah, I was wrong, and I remember now, we did cover that in chemistry in the fourth year!

Dave said...

Dear sir,

Whilst staying with my mother, I chanced to read her Torygraph.

Yesterday there was an article referriong to a missing vicar. He turned out to work for the URC, not the Church of England, and therefore was clearly not a vicar.

Standards. Bring back the birch. Etc.

Yours apoplexedly,

Dave said...

I am typing this in a small cupboard, where I can either see the keyboard, or the monitor, but not both at the same time. I apologise unreservedly for my misuse of the word 'referriong'.

I, like the view, still said...

this just arrived in my inbox, needless to say I'm shocked:

"Who is more desirable to date"
1. Diarmuid Byron-o`connor (9 points, voted 13 times)
2. Gordon Rae (20 points, voted 85 times)
3. Vicus Kaliyuga (0 points, voted 3 times)

but even so, I thought I ought to bring it to the world's attention. . .

:-)

*smiles sweetly and saunters off*

ziggi said...

I have had my hand up and you haven't asked me if I know the answer! I did 2 weeks ago when you asked the question, but now I have forgotten and my hand has shriveled to a brittle claw through lack of circulating blood.

I, like the view, still said...

*waves pathetically in the vague direction of wherever you happen to be, oh sweet one*