I recall an Andy Capp cartoon* in which he says to his wife “I’ve just read another article about how boozing is bad for you, I’m going to give it up”, “You’re going to give up boozing?” asks the astonished Mrs Capp. “No, stupid, reading”.
I feel a strange empathy with him, having perused the online Torygraph. Even in Kali Yuga some of these stories are barely credible. The first one concerns the criminal activities of an elected politician. This dastardly villain travelled to Iraq and purloined a cigar case belonging to a government minister there. Astonishingly, the Torygraph gives this footpad – who goes under the unlikely name of ‘Boris Johnson’ – space on their website to justify his actions. Johnson was educated at Eton. Can you imagine their giving the same space to Kevin Spode of Hackney to explain why he nicked a Twix bar from WHSmith? Or invite Herbert “Fingers” McGillicuddy of Salford the opportunity to inform readers of his motives in breaking and entering the premises at 77, Kropotkin Road, Wilmslow and tea-leafing a Ratsarse 7485 DVD player? I say that 25 days in the stocks at the Tower is the only suitable punishment for Johnson. Only when justice is done and seen to be done will our streets become safe. I have done my bit by searching down the blog of this Johnson cove and leaving him a piece of my mind.
Equally noteworthy is the story of Ms Pritchett, a schoolteacher from Alabama, who has been accused of having sex with eight boys. Not all at the same time, apparently. Whenever I read one of these stories, I am saddened that these studies were not on the curriculum when I was a lad. Young people these days have so many more opportunities. This chance has well and truly passed me by. Even the youngest of my teachers would be getting on for seventy now, and I am not sure that I could rise to the occasion, as it were. Anyway, Ms Pritchett was a sponsor of the Christian Athlete’s Club. I don’t recall there being one of those at my school. I would not have qualified for membership by either criteria, so perhaps I am destined to be unmolested. Ms Pritchett faces two charges of second degree sodomy. I was intrigued by this phrase. It occurred to me, briefly, that she was awarding marks in the subject, based upon technique, penetration or artistic interpretation, but on doing a little research find that it is to do with one of the participants being on the other side of 21 to the other. Another disappointment.
I think that is enough slander** and smut for today. I will not comment on the headline “Bishop urges clampdown on homosexuality”. That would be like stealing cigar cases from fascists – much too easy.
* Andy Capp – for non-Daily-Mirror-reading viewers - was a cartoon character based on an educated George Bush.
** Yes, Dave, I know that it is libel and not slander, but slander scans better.