Wednesday, October 07, 2009

You have 30 seconds to make sense of this

I am laying myself open to looking foolish in publishing this, but will take this major risk. I am, after all, blessed with modesty, so making the occasional mistake will not over concern me.

I was intrigued to find an article in the Torygraph giving space to that vacuous tart Carol Vorderman. The Torygraph seems to think that her opinions carry some weight. Perhaps they do, after all, vacuous tarts are not disenfranchised in this fine democracy of ours. She has decided that the Labour party has not done a good job with regard to education.

Determined to demonstrate my tolerance, I read further. This is what I found:

"I tell you what, as soon as you lift a rock, there is snakes down there," she said.

My dilemma is that I fear that she may have been either demonstrating irony, or quoting from someone/something, but I can find no reference to anyone else speaking in such a manner. Do any of my erudite readers (aMToNW) know?

For those of you of a foreign inclination, and who have avoided news of “celebrity”, I should tell you a little about Ms Vorderman.
1) She is a vacuous tart.
2) She earned a very poor degree in engineering, albeit from a reputable seat of learning
3) She earned a fortune by doing pointless sums on a quiz show. Doing pointless sums is all very well if you are Chancellor of the Exchequer, but otherwise has no known value to humanity.
4) Outside of doing sums she has consistently displayed her air-headedness in spectacular and consistent style.
5) She won the award for “Most annoying vacuous tart” by advertising rip-off debt consolidation services on the electric television
6) She is a vacuous tart.

I tell you what, anyone who prefaces their utterances with “I tell you what” is not worth listening to. I expect she will be next prime minister but one. After all, our transatlantic friends elected a vacuous twat who also didn’t know the difference between “is” and “are”.

Having devoted some precious space on my lovely blog to lambasting some vacuous tart’s mangling of the language, I will now sit back and wait for all of you to point out the typos and gross grammatical errors here.

*******


TCM strike again. I am indebted to my friends at the Torygraph for informing me about this important scientific research. Scientists claim that rooks understand the laws of physics better than chimpanzees. No, really.

The rooks were surprised when shown an 'egg-like' object 'floating' in mid-air. They looked for longer at pictures of these impossible scenarios than possible pictures where the egg was correctly supported by a platform.
The seven adults understood not only that contact between the egg and platform was necessary for support but also that there must be a sufficient amount of contact and that the contact must be from below.
This has been shown to be beyond the grasp of chimpanzees, said zoologist Christopher Bird and colleagues at the University of Cambridge.

I would make the following observations.
  • The name of the researcher gives lie to his ability to be objective.
  • They talk about “understanding the laws of physics” as if this is a good thing.
  • Carol Vorderman went to the university of Cambridge.

15 comments:

Richard said...

It is a good job you don't take The Independent. They rely solely on Mr Gates' spellcheckery magic and would probably cause you to explode.

Rog said...

I tell you what, she knows all about Bennie Coll.

Whoever he is.

James Dyson has also been roped in. Perhaps it's because he also made a vacuous start.

Dave said...

Ms Vordeman's dissertation was, I understand, on the mechanics of running shoes.

'There is snakes' is, of course, as Carol well knows, not only having done sums for pensioners, but also put up vowels and consonents for them, an anagramme of 'Sneaker Thesis'.

A cunning piece of self-promotion.

Dave said...

PS my speling mistakes twoday are quite deliberate. I'm pushing the boundaries of the state.

Vicus Scurra said...

Richard. Thank you for the warning.
Rog. I done a lol.
Dave. I am grateful for spelling mistakes today. They will help to hide any errors in my writing.

KAZ said...

I note that Carol has been asked to help David Cameron look at the future of maths education in Britain.
Well - that shouldn't take long.

moreidlethoughts said...

She doesn't know much about snakes, does she?

Vicus Scurra said...

Kaz. I think that your unseemly cynicism is misplaced. She can definitely do sums. The vacuous tart.
MIT - she knows bugger all about bugger all, apart from sums.

Vicus Scurra said...

MIT. Apart from adders! (geddit?)

Dyna Girl said...

How about ending with an, "I tell ya!"?

Donn w/2nz said...

Having been edumacated in an ice encrusted log cabin far from the majesty of the Royal Court I find it hard to follow the complicated world of British policymaking.

I know far more about the droppings of the various woodland creatures that huddled in my parka than I do about the subtle intricacies of Vorderman Economics.

What little I do know about Vorderman Economics was gleaned from dog-eared textbooks that had originally been donated to the Gurkha Orphanage by the Ladies Auxillary Club for Temperant Contempt of others.

As I recall Vorderman Economics was briefly mentioned in Chapter X "Lavatorial Lovemaking Etiquette and Bond Trading"..
but I cannot for the life of me remember the authors mentioning anything about Carol's twattage.

Ellen said...

I know nothing of all the vacuous tarts in England. However, I am somewhat disappointed that corvids have surpassed my understanding of the laws of physics. Floating eggs don't phase me at all.

moreidlethoughts said...

Thankyou, Vicus, I did geddit. I am not an empty pie shell.

JPatrick said...

When all's said and done, she's still a milf

Dave said...

It's Mrs T's birthday today. Haven't you got something nice to say about that great lady?