Countdown to the royal divorce - part 8

I have declined the opportunity to be involved in the campaign to elect Zara Phillips as “Sports Personality of the Year”. This despite her all round prowess, which would be worthy of the most accomplished pentathlete.

In addition to her well known equestrian activities, and her slightly less reported involvement in Thai Boxing, discus throwing and trampolining, she has shown the sort of all round talent that characterises the entire family.

It is her plan to represent Scotland as a lock forward at Rugby that causes both her mother and me the most concern. “I hardly think it is appropriate for her to be seen packed tightly in a formation of muscular men, grabbing the testicles of the chap in front”, Anne complains, somewhat snootily. “Rubbish, lovey”, I retort, “your grandmother was famous for it.” It is true – Clarence House was the only royal household to have a permanent hernia surgeon on the staff, and if she was having one of her ‘off days’ you could wait for fucking ages at the front door, while either a fit footman dodged her, or one of those with whom she had tampered, limped painfully along the corridors.

My view is more for the safety of the other players. I was at the recent game with the royal party, when in the line out, Zara jumped for the ball, and the momentum caused her more than generous breasts to swing wildly and concuss a Saracen’s player, (giving new meaning to “loose-head prop”). Anne herself is known as “Iron Tits” in the family circle. More than one person has been caught out when standing behind her, and not anticipating her suddenly swinging round. It is in this lack of fairness that my objections to her activities in this area are based.

Camilla, of course, had to have her say. “I was captain of tiddlywinks of my house at school,” she enthused, “perhaps I could be on the programme as well.” “Fuck off, Cams,” I told her, “John Motson will almost certainly be there, and remember how pissed off you were, the last time you got mistaken for him? Even though he was much better dressed than you. And we had best draw a veil over the incident when you took part in the charity relay race, and tried to take the baton from Linford Christie.”