Tuesday, December 27, 2005

New year honours

My friends at the BBC have produced a somewhat erudite list of the worst Britons of each of the last 10 centuries. All of my readers will be familiar with most of the names – Hugh Despenser (inventor of the condom dispenser), Richard Rich (portrayed on screen by Macauley Culkin) and Eadric Streona, which I had previously supposed to be the county dish of Herefordshire. I am not making these names up, check the BBC site.

I thought I would join in by nominating the worst Briton of my distinguished life.

It will come as little surprise to see the name John Emburey here. Some may say that he deserves this honour for being the only English cricketer to be as callous and mercenary as to go on two rebel tours of South Africa during the apartheid years, but that is nothing compared to the hour upon hour of excruciatingly pathetic bowling. He must bear the responsibility for the death of spin bowling in England. (Those wishing to challenge the assertion that spin bowling is not dead in England need only to consider the name ‘Ashley Giles’ to see the veracity of my statement). Year after year he was selected to play at test level, where over the last few years of his international career his bowling average exceeded 60 (are you getting this, Adam) and he was singly responsible for boring to death hundreds of people including the entire population of Little Shagging in Suffolk. His only redeeming feature was his imaginative use of language as illustrated by the apocryphal story of his replying to a colleague about an injury to his back with the response “the facking facker’s facking facked” (yes he had an appalling southern accent as well).

I invite readers (AMToNW) to supply their nomination for the worst Briton of their own lifetime. If you wish to simply lambaste an obvious target, then dear Betty has provided an excellent platform for that in her seasonal article about King Herod. But entries here should be accompanied by a reasoned argument, with points awarded for obscurity while at the same time the nominee should be in the public arena, so your gym teacher or aunt will not do, unless he or she is Cilla Black for example. Groups of people are allowed up to a reasonable level, but such general targets as “all the twats who voted for Thatcher” are beyond the parameters of this competition. Adam, to help you, as you do not know any Brits, or indeed anyone who does not live in East Dumbfuck, Kentucky - you can nominate me. Tell the world why you would like to see me at the mercy of Mr Schwarzenegger, but do it with respect.


Geoff said...

Brian May

To continue with the apartheid theme because I can't think for myself at the moment

- For his "apolitical" decision to play Sun City (although he did give the blood money to a school for the deaf).

And also

- For forging his guitar out of his fireplace.
- For having the same black poodle hair as his wife for the past 70 years.
- For wearing clogs and white suits.
- For Queen.
- For his collaboration with Andrew Lloyd Webber and Ben Elton.
- For resting his lanky leg on the stage monitor as he plays one of his excruciating guitar solos.
- For resuscitating Paul Rodgers.

Simon Holledge said...

Maggie Thatcher and the designer of this blog (jointly.)

Mark Gamon said...

Elton John, obviously.

- For having a foul temper.

- For regularly throwing (and attending) the sort of unutterably ghastly parties that 18th century royalty used to favour. But with rather less taste.

- For being best mates with the Beckhams (Really? We needed to know that?).

- For being so bloody full-on in our faces ALL THE TIME about how he's gay and he's OUT now (it's great you're gay, Reg, and we really don't mind at all so PURRRLEASE stop banging on about it).

- For being almost the first in the queue to do the civil partner thingy with lovely David. And then throwing a ghastly party to celebrate.

- For being so bloody full-on in our faces about how rich he is.

- For being so bloody full-on in our faces about how he and Diana were best mates.

- For THAT song.

- For the little cheeky chappie routine he does whenever he appears on a chat show.

- For not really producing anything worth a tiddle since I'm Still Standing.

- For the Lion King. Oh God, for the Lion King.

- For forgetting about rock and roll. No, correct that, for sending it up. B-b-b-Bennie and the Jets, indeed.

- For keeping Davey Johnstone caged up in his band for the best part of forty years.

- For every item of clothing in his wardrobe.

- For conspicuous waste.

- For thinking that Madman Across the Water is his worst album when it's the the only one that's good all the way through.

- For leaving Bluesology.

- For failing his lead vocal auditions for King Crimson AND Gentle Giant (our cultural life could have been so so different).

- For forgetting to work with Paul Buckmaster again.

- For the HAIR problem.

- For the bulimia thing.

- For 'collaborating' with Eminem, and single-handedly wrecking the best rap song of the decade.

Full marks, however, for the Elton John AIDS foundation. Which, curiously, he doesn't actually seem to mention much.

Strange boy, good piano player.

I rest my case.

Universal Soldier said...

Cherie Blair - for scaring little children all over the country.

Lynne said...

Hey, Happy New Year to you too, from a Yank across the pond.