First, in answer to Dave, who enquires as to the state of my current incarnation, may I clarify that I am alive, to the best of my knowledge, and you can get on your bike and stop touting for business round here. I am in negotiation with several distinguished figures with regard to the business of the conducting of my funeral, and you are not among them, old son. At present, Alexei tells me that he is concentrating on his writing career, Tom Graveney fears that I might outlive him and Goldie Hawn has some qualms about the costume that I had designed for her. I will keep you in touch.
This afternoon I saw a DVD for sale that, due to a misplaced price sticker, was called "Little Ho on the Prairie". The infiltration of realism into the saccharine cak that constitutes mainstream television programming is well overdue. I am hoping for gratuitous sex and violence in every episode. How much better Coronation Street would have been had Ena Sharples tied up Elsie Tanner, whipped her with a chain and shot her through the head, as the main character in the latest episode of "The Shield" did to a chap who had upset him slightly. It would have given us a much better idea of urban Lancashire life.