Saturday, September 20, 2008

Countdown to the royal divorce - part 20

Those of you perambulating around the web this morning may have been as startled, as was I, by one of the headlines in the Torygraph – ‘Prince Philip told Downing Street to "---- off" over Diana funeral’. In the text of the article, the word ‘----‘ is replaced by the word ‘fuck’. This reinforces the view that newspaper editors are not worried by the fact that some 3% of readers actually progress beyond the headlines. The article ends with the statement “No one from Buckingham Palace was available for comment (last night).” This is not true. A gentleman from the Torygraph telephoned, asked to speak to Phil, and was put through. He was then told to fuck off. At least, that is what he thinks happened. Allow me to elaborate.

Camilla gets bored very easily. I am sure you can understand this. This is particularly evident when she is required to be present at formal occasions. About 10 years ago she learned to hack into the telecommunications system in use in the royal households, and began to practice imitating the telephone voices of other members of the family. It was she who took the call from the Telegraph yesterday, and she is to be congratulated for here impersonation of Phil. I hope that this information, which, as with all things here are, is intended to inform rather than titillate, will, once and for all, dispel the myth that she is not some jumped-up, upper class, brain dead, vacuous tart with all the charm of the decomposing corpse of a hippo.

It would be indiscrete of me to mention all of the other telephonic adventures of our future consort of the head of state. Sometimes her calls have been taken seriously and it would be impolitic to disclose them now as it would be very difficult to unravel the consequences.


I can tell you, however, that she was the one who:

  • Purporting to be Harry, proposed to Ann Robinson.
  • Imitating Anne, asked if HMS “Dominatrix” could return to port, as Tim had forgotten his sandwiches.
  • Took part in a late night chat programme on BBC Reading, where, as Prince Andrew, she voiced the opinion that the feudal system had done a lot of good for the country.
  • Again as Anne, applied for back stage tickets for a Metallica concert in Stockholm.

I will draw a discrete veil over her interactions with the head of the BBC, other than to say that there is no way, ever, in which the queen would have considered delivering the 2004 christmas day message to the commonwealth in a swimsuit.

8 comments:

Geoff said...

Philip tells a street to fuck off?

Down and out in London.

Dave said...

Sad, but true.

ziggi said...

the hippo appreciation society have taken a dim view of this post.

I, like the view said...

the commonwealth in a swimsuit? how unsightly! no wonder the Queen didn't want to deliver the christmas message

and I'm sure I'm being pedantic (it's never stopped me yet) but my understanding (from The Grauniad) was that the fuck off comment was in reference to the roles at Diana's funeral of the two young boys who had just lost their mother

I wonder what Camilla was thinking about at that time

Pamela said...

Someday I hope to understand you.

tom909 said...

What a shower our royal family are, but don't ever forget the benefits they bring to our tourist industry.
Oh so that makes it ok then does it? Grrrrrrr now I am getting angry!

Prof. Plotznheimer said...

I had no idea that so many people made it past the headlines. This is precisely why I travel such great distances to sit at your feet and take in these nuggets of wisdom.

I've heard that Cameeler, as Sir Macca calls her, has a great personality and apparently she sews her own clothes.
We all know how she likes her phone sex..
naughty naughty!

Doughboy said...

if Camilla is so imaginative, that must be why Charles is so goo-goo for her. Does she do impressions in bed? Do they always keep the lights turned off?
Is Princess Anne aroused by the thought of equine love?

I'm not sure I want to know the answers to any of these questions...