Friday, September 05, 2008

What would be worse Palin for VP or the galaxy being destroyed?

I was pleased to learn that my friends at the BBC are having a Big Bang week. This is not, for those of you (a Mr Trellis of North Devon) whose minds always look for smut, anything to do with noisy copulation, but rather a celebration of the upcoming events in Switzerland, where a bunch of failed physics teachers (tautology?) are preparing to suck this solar system or galaxy into a black hole of their own creation. My good friend Frankie Boyle on another BBC channel this evening suggested that the whole universe would disappear into said black hole. This is not the case. He is scaremongering. We still have plenty of time (one week) to visit our distant cousins in a neighbouring spiral, and watch millions of stars and planets being sucked up the arse of a well proportioned housewife from Zug.

A silly young fellow from Cern
Caused the whole solar system to burn
So don’t fuck with God
He’s a cantankerous sod,
An important lesson to learn.

This evening’s offering was a collage of various BBC programmes from the last 50 years tracking the evolution of the physics mysticism that relates to the damn silly Big Bang Theory.

One of the amusing clips illustrated the Doppler effect by having trumpet players holding a note on a train while the train approached listeners, and recording the fact that the listener’s perception of the frequency was affected by the approach and recession of the sound. Are you with me so far? No? I don’t fucking blame you. I lasted about 4 minutes in my first physics lesson before becoming more interested in the enticing breasts of Jasmine Hepplethwistle (name changed to protect the busty).

By extrapolating this boring theory into the realm of light, some bright spark deduced that the universe was expanding. I am not averse to trumpets or other brass instruments, but I think our children should be warned about listening to them if the consequence is the propagation of such complete twaddle. Listening to the Incredible String Band never caused me to engage in the exploration of fanciful and bizarre ideas.


In a further attempt to make all of this hogwash (not this hogwash, you buffoon, the hogwash about physics) more accessible to the thicky in front of the telly, they then went on to describe an experiment to prove the existence of dark matter. Sorry to lecture you, but some of you may not have done your physics homework this evening. Cosmologists need to prove the existence of dark matter in order to explain why matter congregates into galaxies rather than just buggers off and does its own thing. In order to find some dark matter, they needed somewhere quiet and decided that Yorkshire was the quietest place on earth. This is true if someone within the county boundaries has just asked the question “Whose round is it?” They therefore assembled some tomato cans and sticky tape half a mile underground just north of Arsedale, and waited. 20 years later, and no dark matter. Not even a hint of black pudding.


Now they’ve dug a hole underneath Switzerland. Dunno what I’d rather have knocking on my door, Jehovah’s Witnesses or Physicists. Either of both of them could be right, but it would be a tad rash to side with one or the other based upon their tortuous use of logic.


Anybody written anything amusing about noisy copulation of late?

14 comments:

Pamela said...

I leave that sort of thing to the masters :)

Dave said...

I believe it's all going to end with a whimper.

Vicus Scurra said...

Pamela. Have you taken up the invitation to discuss copulation? Dave certainly has.

I, like the view said...

I invited people midnight skinny dipping, on my camping trip - does that count? (oh, and if camping makes you deaf, you won't be able to hear The Bang when CERN gets going next week)

I, like the view said...

(and to answer your title question, I think any American politician coming into power is a pretty dire thing for the world)(actually, one could probably strike thru the word "American" in the above)(give me the end of the galazy, any day)

Vicus Scurra said...

ILTV.
1) No, it doesn't count.
2) If I ever find a galazy, you are welcome to at least one end of it.

I, like the view said...

what if you found a Milky Way? or Mars? or a packet of Starburst? will you share those too. . .

KAZ said...

Vicus - wasn't Lewis on the other channel or summat?
I was married to a physicist and got used to turning up the volume on Corrie.

Vicus Scurra said...

ILTV. Not sure about the vegetarian credentials of those comestibles, so you are welcome to them.
Kaz. Not sure about your meaning. I am assuming that the reason for increasing the volume on "corrie" was something to do with drowning out his inane ramblings, or was it something to do with the other kind of Big Bang? I am not over keen to know the answer, but some of the riff-raff here tend to be a tad nosy about that sort of thing.

garfer said...

I thought Frankie Boyle was a Glaswegian gangster.

I like Shrodinger's cat, and usually solve Feormat's Last Theorem during my coffee break - just to impress folk like.

Poor Kaz. I wouldn't like to be married to a jazz loving physicist, even if she did have a pair of gravity defying bazoombas..

ziggi said...

I always liked The Hedgehog Song by the ISB.

Vicus Scurra said...

Garfer, I fear you may be a little over-sentimental.
Ziggi. Yes indeed, I knew all the words and sang all the notes, but never quite learned the song.

Donnnnn said...

I have a pertinent question to ask..
will we be doing Stonehenge tomorrow?
(this Spinal Tap reference is heralded as the best example of a stupid question posed at the most inopportune instance, as fas as I am concerned, in a moving picture anyway)

Dear Sir,
I am delighted to find you in such high spirits. Nothing gets the blood rushing to the loins like a good stiff shot of Tautology.

Let it be known throughout the land. That from this day forward, and I shall take your word for it so you had better bloody well be right, ((ahem)) that belieiving in Dark Matter, and twaddling trumpets on trains, is a complete and utter waste of my valuable time.

Physicists, dark hole thyselves.

PS You will be pleased to note that I have no f*cking idea what you're going on about, but I laughed my layman's buttocks off anyway.

Richard said...

I saw someone from the ISB here in Crewe a couple of years ago.