I was pleased to learn that my friends at the BBC are having a Big Bang week. This is not, for those of you (a Mr Trellis of North Devon) whose minds always look for smut, anything to do with noisy copulation, but rather a celebration of the upcoming events in Switzerland, where a bunch of failed physics teachers (tautology?) are preparing to suck this solar system or galaxy into a black hole of their own creation. My good friend Frankie Boyle on another BBC channel this evening suggested that the whole universe would disappear into said black hole. This is not the case. He is scaremongering. We still have plenty of time (one week) to visit our distant cousins in a neighbouring spiral, and watch millions of stars and planets being sucked up the arse of a well proportioned housewife from Zug.
A silly young fellow from Cern
Caused the whole solar system to burn
So don’t fuck with God
He’s a cantankerous sod,
An important lesson to learn.
This evening’s offering was a collage of various BBC programmes from the last 50 years tracking the evolution of the physics mysticism that relates to the damn silly Big Bang Theory.
One of the amusing clips illustrated the Doppler effect by having trumpet players holding a note on a train while the train approached listeners, and recording the fact that the listener’s perception of the frequency was affected by the approach and recession of the sound. Are you with me so far? No? I don’t fucking blame you. I lasted about 4 minutes in my first physics lesson before becoming more interested in the enticing breasts of Jasmine Hepplethwistle (name changed to protect the busty).
By extrapolating this boring theory into the realm of light, some bright spark deduced that the universe was expanding. I am not averse to trumpets or other brass instruments, but I think our children should be warned about listening to them if the consequence is the propagation of such complete twaddle. Listening to the Incredible String Band never caused me to engage in the exploration of fanciful and bizarre ideas.
In a further attempt to make all of this hogwash (not this hogwash, you buffoon, the hogwash about physics) more accessible to the thicky in front of the telly, they then went on to describe an experiment to prove the existence of dark matter. Sorry to lecture you, but some of you may not have done your physics homework this evening. Cosmologists need to prove the existence of dark matter in order to explain why matter congregates into galaxies rather than just buggers off and does its own thing. In order to find some dark matter, they needed somewhere quiet and decided that Yorkshire was the quietest place on earth. This is true if someone within the county boundaries has just asked the question “Whose round is it?” They therefore assembled some tomato cans and sticky tape half a mile underground just north of Arsedale, and waited. 20 years later, and no dark matter. Not even a hint of black pudding.
Now they’ve dug a hole underneath Switzerland. Dunno what I’d rather have knocking on my door, Jehovah’s Witnesses or Physicists. Either of both of them could be right, but it would be a tad rash to side with one or the other based upon their tortuous use of logic.
Anybody written anything amusing about noisy copulation of late?