It was fairly inevitable that various parties in the palaces should attempt to enlist my support in sorting out the latest little publicity kerfuffle to have surrounded Chas’s youngest. Eventually, in the realisation that I wasn’t going to get any sleep unless I agreed, I called the lad.
“Harry, you great bratwurst bashing barmpot, what the fuck have you done this time?” I began in my most gentle voice. “You great gormless, goose-stepping git, don’t you realise that you can’t just go around handing out insults to all and sundry without it coming back to bite you in the bollocks?” I could hear him sobbing. So far, so good. “Listen, you shitferbrains, sauerkraut sucking, sturmhauptfuhrer, there is nothing clever or funny about ridiculing people because of their ethnic background. For fuck’s sake, get a grip. Look to your family for the example they set. Do you think that the family would have the world-wide reputation for tact and diplomacy that they and you enjoy if every time, let’s say, your granddad opened his mouth, it was to poke fun at Johnny Foreigner?”
“I think, I’ve said enough, don’t you?”
“Yes”, he mumbled.
“Yes. I will certainly take more care from now on. Is there anything you can advise to help build some bridges?”
“Good lad! I am pleased you asked that, and yes of course there is. You should try to remind people that your family and their ancestors have been in power over here for a millennium and a half. During that time they have mercilessly oppressed and often tortured their subjects, lived off the fat of the land, been the epitome of reactionary authoritarianism, paraded around like a bunch of cretinous popinjays who would not survive five minutes if they went out alone in public, overseen one of the most evil empires in the history of humankind, they and their lickspittle lackeys are responsible for the situations in Iraq, Afghanistan, Israel, Zimbabwe, 80% of the genocide in Africa, the partition of India which may lead to the first nuclear war, and all the while they have been filling their coffers for doing fuck all. And now the asswit media think that a mild insult by a third rate minor royal, a brain dead carrot-topped cunt, an insignificant walk-on-part player in the grand theatre of human stupidity is worthy of opprobrium? WTRoyalF? Three words, Per Spec Tive.”
“I’ll go and tell them that now, then”.
The idiot boy will have forgotten it all by the time he works out how to use the doorknob to get out of his room, but no one can accuse me of not trying.