Monday, January 12, 2009

Countdown to the royal divorce - part 21

It was fairly inevitable that various parties in the palaces should attempt to enlist my support in sorting out the latest little publicity kerfuffle to have surrounded Chas’s youngest. Eventually, in the realisation that I wasn’t going to get any sleep unless I agreed, I called the lad.

“Harry, you great bratwurst bashing barmpot, what the fuck have you done this time?” I began in my most gentle voice. “You great gormless, goose-stepping git, don’t you realise that you can’t just go around handing out insults to all and sundry without it coming back to bite you in the bollocks?” I could hear him sobbing. So far, so good. “Listen, you shitferbrains, sauerkraut sucking, sturmhauptfuhrer, there is nothing clever or funny about ridiculing people because of their ethnic background. For fuck’s sake, get a grip. Look to your family for the example they set. Do you think that the family would have the world-wide reputation for tact and diplomacy that they and you enjoy if every time, let’s say, your granddad opened his mouth, it was to poke fun at Johnny Foreigner?”

I paused.


“I think, I’ve said enough, don’t you?”


“Yes”, he mumbled.


“What?”


“Yes. I will certainly take more care from now on. Is there anything you can advise to help build some bridges?”


“Good lad! I am pleased you asked that, and yes of course there is. You should try to remind people that your family and their ancestors have been in power over here for a millennium and a half. During that time they have mercilessly oppressed and often tortured their subjects, lived off the fat of the land, been the epitome of reactionary authoritarianism, paraded around like a bunch of cretinous popinjays who would not survive five minutes if they went out alone in public, overseen one of the most evil empires in the history of humankind, they and their lickspittle lackeys are responsible for the situations in Iraq, Afghanistan, Israel, Zimbabwe, 80% of the genocide in Africa, the partition of India which may lead to the first nuclear war, and all the while they have been filling their coffers for doing fuck all. And now the asswit media think that a mild insult by a third rate minor royal, a brain dead carrot-topped cunt, an insignificant walk-on-part player in the grand theatre of human stupidity is worthy of opprobrium? WTRoyalF? Three words, Per Spec Tive.”


“I’ll go and tell them that now, then”.


The idiot boy will have forgotten it all by the time he works out how to use the doorknob to get out of his room, but no one can accuse me of not trying.

13 comments:

Ian said...

I think you were wise to go easy on him.

Dave said...

Noblesse oblige.

I, Like The View said...

I thought the fact that apparently (so perhaps it is not actually a fact?) Harry's nickname is "Ginge" was of potential interest

(if one was interested in such things)

of all the departments in which the boy is challenged, why did his mates settle for that one. . .

Vicus Scurra said...

Ian. I have always found that kindness to be my preferred method.
Dave. Laissez faire.
ILTV. Because, he said in a very patronising tone, if they are thick enough to be his mates, they ain't gonna be over endowed with imagination, are they?

Richard said...

The chap lacks backbone. He should have called you a four-eyed speccy bastard back. I'm disappointed, he should spend more time with his grandfather.

Rol said...

Thank you. I was expecting that two days ago.

Vicus Scurra said...

Richard! He has been naughty, but no one deserves that.
Rol. Sorry - his cell phone has been switched off, and the switchboard was reluctant to put any calls through - I knew it was a mistake to outsource that to a call centre in Rawalpindi.

Ladybird World Mother said...

I have absolutely no idea how I got here... but just laughed for two solid minutes. Ouch. More please.

KAZ said...

He had to be told Vicus.
Oh and next time could you mention that if he must go around goose stepping and using racially abusive endearments - he should ask his pal to switch the camcorder off.

Vicus Scurra said...

LWM. I know where you came from - I see the bizarre visage of Donn Coppens on your followers list. You are not the first innocent that he has lured over here. None of them are any the better for it.
Anyway, welcome.
I have read your blog. Another to read regularly. Don't you people understand that I have other duties?
Anyway, you will see from the title that there are 20 preceding tales of royal woe in my archives. I hope that you enjoy reading them, although I have no cause for such optimism. Complete drivel.
Kaz. Alas, I cannot oblige. It took me 3 months of tutoring to teach him now to turn a camcorder on. It would be reckless to undo all of that good work.

Donn Coppens said...

HAHAHA!
Tough Love eh?
Bravo.

Like other entertainment celebrities, members of the royal family need to behave and set an example.

Like it or not young Harry, you are receiving millions of pounds per annum simply because of your daddy's todger.

I have arranged for Harry to be the Grand Marshall of Join Me's annual Karmageddon celebration. Maybe giving out free hugs to radical mullahs, mohawked anarchists, and foreign shopkeeps will cleanse him of his xenophobia.

the projectivist said...

I hope he's learned his lesson.

Did you manage to have a word to William about his helicopter antics?

Vicus Scurra said...

Projectivist. I do what I can. Some tasks have more inherent difficulties