Monday, January 05, 2009

TCM in 2009

I knew that all that was required to provide the impetus for the start for my blogging year was for someone to put 50p in and twiddle with the buttons. Who better, I ask entirely rhetorically, than the science pages of our leading newspapers.

Over at the Torygraph, space is given to an oddly named gentleman, Rupert Till, an expert in acoustics from Huddersfield University. Yes, I could go off on an enormous tangent about the likelihood of a seat of learning at said town, but not now. The Torygraph let us know that Huddersfield is in West Yorkshire. Where it has been for some time. It has not moved. Later in the article, however, Mr Till, no doubt alarmed at being associated with Huddersfield, now claims to come from York, North Yorkshire. The Torygraph have taken (yes, I know I haven’t started to describe what the article was about, you great steaming twassock, just be patient) to telling us, USA style, which county the towns are in. York, heavens be praised, is in Yorkshire, exactly where God intended it to be.
Anyway, Silly Tilly is proposing the theory that Stonehenge was a concert venue. Go on, go and read it for yourself if you don’t believe me. It could have been, couldn’t it? Purpose built for a Cliff Richard concert. The acoustics may have been very good until some prize pillock put all those fucking rocks there. Imagine traipsing out to Wiltshire on a wet Wednesay in October on prehistoric transport to hear the Bee Gees, and then getting stuck behind a pillar. (I know that most of us would prefer to hide behind anything rather than look at those talentless tossers, but we would not be part of the typical audience would we? Do keep up.)
Let me make this very clear. I know that I have said it before, but evidently not everyone was listening. Stonehenge is a pile of ugly rocks. The only possible purpose for it is as a practical joke by our ancient forefathers, in the same way that we will leave recordings of Jeremy Clarkson for future generations. It is a hideous and boring eyesore, almost as hideous and boring as the twerps who go and look at it. I wish they would paint it luminous pink and be done with it.

The next amazing article, also from the Torygraph, is headed “Teenagers who skip breakfast are more likely to have sex”. Well, that does not seem to be worthy of a great deal of attention. Obviously there is only so much time in the day, and one has to make economies somewhere in order to fit in everything (missus). I dare say that I, should the occasion every arise, on being required to indulge in copulation, would find it easier to forego my toast and tahini than miss the finals of Celebrity Yak Gelding on ITV3. Indeed, if you are in need of sacrificing some part of your day to make way for an activity, then you may as well give up one that occurs early in the day, because then you know that you have saved that time and not have the problem nagging you throughout the day. In any case, cocopops and coitus do not, I would imagine, go together well. If you know differently, then please keep that information to yourself.

The most ridiculous and propagandist article to be found on the Torygraph science pages is most distressing. Are you sitting down, this may offend. Spanish scientists claim that Neanderthal man was ginger. Yes indeed. Bastards. Let me defend my ginger cousins (I use this noun figuratively, although I do have many ginger cousins. Ginger is the least of their problems when it comes to physical peculiarities. I also have/had a tendency towards that hair colour, though not as pronounced as many of my relations. It is not, however, because of this kinship that I speak out for carrot tops, but simply to stop mindless prejudice) by drawing your attention to the word “Spanish” near the beginning of this paragraph. Some blackhaired Bernardo from Bilbao has concocted some quasi-scientific mumbo-jumbo to make our extinct relatives appear bad, simply because one of his mates made fun of his appearance. Whatever happened to scientific integrity? And, if you go over to the appropriate page in the Torygraph, please do not come back here and say that the representation there looks like Dave, because it doesn’t, and it would be cruel to say so even if it did, which it does not, OK?

I think that is enough mumbo jumbo for now. I shall not rest until the ravings of these knuckle-dragging, neo-stupid nincompoops cease to be thrust in our faces everytime we seek to enquire about the state of modern knowledge.

If they do not stop, I may be forced to reveal the name of my first form chemistry teacher. No one with that name would think about entering the teaching profession these days. I am loathe to expose her, but this is an important battle that we are fighting.

21 comments:

Donn Coppens said...

HAHAHA!
I would like to point out the exact points upon which I wept and piddled myself..

here: exactly where God intended it to be
here: to hear the Bee Gees and then getting stuck behind a pillar
here: Celebrity Yak Gelding on ITV3
and here: the least of their problems when it comes to physical peculiarities

That was an uproarious dispensation of innate knowledge.
*hats off

Vicus Scurra said...

Donn. I am humbled and gladdened to read your comment. O! to have a hundred such readers, totally lacking in discrimination. As long as I have you in the audience I shall endeavour to amuse from time to time - the rest of you, blame Mr Coppens.

Dave said...

I am grateful that the one hideous disfiguration with which I have not been afflicted is that of ginger hair.

I, Like The View said...

curiously enough I know a little something about the rocks that form Stonehenge and their acoustic properties

but I'll spare you

New Scientist is an interesting read, if you find this sort of thing stimulating

tom909 said...

Don't get me started on Stonehenge, and please don't ever go there.
Well done Vicus for working in a plug for the celebrity yak gelding - I actually do think it is a much under-rated show.

Rol said...

Oy! You leave my old alma mater alone! The University of Huddersfield is a fine and venerable establishment, otherwise Patrick Stewart wouldn't be our chancellor. And more importantly, this particular university was responsible for all the success I've enjoyed in my professional... erm... I mean...

Yeah, go on, say what you want about the dump. If I'd gone to a decent uni, I might have made something of myself.

Vicus Scurra said...

Dave, dear, it isn't all about you.
ILTV. Irritating, not stimulating.
Tom. Haven't you started to build a henge in your garden yet? Plastichenge. I'm sure the National Parks folk would dig that.
Rol. There are many worse places than Yorkshire, and many queerer folk than Yorkshire folk. Don't blame Huddersfield for your shortcomings, if that is what they are. From this vantage point you seem to be doing fine, after all you are a regular reader here.

Richard said...

If you check some of the Grateful Dead fansites and scroll back to 3400 BC you'll find that Stonehenge was indeed a concert venue. Some of the crowd are still there refusing to believe the gig's over.

I, Like The View said...

one man's meat and all that, eh

Vicus Scurra said...

Richard. The Dead stopped using it when it was fenced off. You should know that. They would not be party to a curtailment of freedom of movement.
ILTV. Please let's have no more mention of meat.

I, Like The View said...

but you see, it works if I write meat

I mean, if I wrote one man's nut roast I couldn't have alluded to "poison", could I?

Dave said...

ILTV: I think you might try 'One man's fish is another man's poisson'.

Hope this helps.

Vicus: What do you mean, it isn't all about me? That's why the interweb was built, wasn't it?

KAZ said...

Well nothing much has escaped here has it Vicus?
Cliff Richard, Stonehenge, Rupert Till, ITV3, Scientists, Bee Gees and Bilbaoans.
But those with auburn tresses are defended - I am pleased to note.

Oh and I must reassure your readers that I was not that Chemistry teacher - even though I do have the sort of name that caused mirth amongst some of my students.

I, Like The View said...

merci, cheri

ca m'aide bien

Geoff said...

Spinal Tap's re-creation of Stonehenge gave it meaning as a vehicle for comedy.

zIggI said...

you said the S word you bastard

Vicus Scurra said...

ILTV. For the 759th time, vegetarians are NOT obliged to consume nut roast. There are many other varieties of food for those of us who prefer not to rip apart scorched rotting carcasses on our dinner table. Please desist from this stereotyping, and, no, I am not going to start a discussion about what I ate today, yesterday or last June 15th. I am not a woman.
Dave. No, no, and no.
Kaz. It was not me who outed you as Mrs Floppytits.
Geoff. Thank you. At last someone with something vital to communicate.
Ziggi, dear, you will have to try to be more specific. Stonehenge? Science? How am I to know what gets you so worked up. Did you have your roughage this morning?

I, Like The View said...

but I like nut roast!

(I make Delia's recipe, the one with curry powder and red pepper in it)

Vicus Scurra said...

Hums loudly.

a Mrs Trellis of North Lincolnshire said...

*sticks in another 50p and starts twiddling with his knobs*

(or was that supposed to be buttons? oooops)

Kindness said...

You often write above my ability to comprehend but I wanted to comment anyway because I am a ditzy Irish American bozo on the bus. Thank you from the bottom of my empty shot glass.

Bartender! Gimme another.