Thursday, March 26, 2009

I can hardly wait for the next one

The following contains a spoiler. I added this line too late for my dear friend Kaz, I am very sorry, Kaz. Didn't think anyone else watched it.

I owe all of you my apologies for my neglecting to keep you up to date with important events in our world, not least of which is the latest instalment of the hot man-on-man pornfest “Lewis”.

May I begin, in a somewhat anti-synchronatic manner, by pointing out, before I forget, how much I loathe the sodding music?

The latest episode is so far up its own fundament that if it were to have a mouth capable of being opened, then one would be able to see the parting in its hair protruding from the tonsil area.

There has been a return to the theme of making the victims part of the academic community. If this community is anything like that portrayed in this televisual entertainment then I suggest we fight for the release from prison of all of the guilty persons so far banged up, in order to continue their splendid crusade.

By the way, do you have any idea how much I abhor the bloody music?

This week we saw Art Malik poncing about for no reason to do with the plot, as far as I can see, in the role of a stereotypical academic. If you want to have a picture of what constitutes an Oxford academic according to the writers/directors, then just conjure up an image of Anthony Blanche, (perhaps a tad toned down) and you will have it.

Do you mind my telling you now how much I detest the arsing music?

The clever bit of casting this week was to have the father of the actor who plays Hathaway (Laurence Fox) appearing. Many of you will be familiar with the splendid career of Michael J Fox, although up until his appearance here I would never have thought him to be old enough to be Lazza’s dad. A very versatile actor – you would hardly recognise the star of “Family Ties” and “Spin City” behind the makeup, and one could almost, but not quite, forgive his dire attempt at impersonating Brian Sewell.

Lest it slips my mind, can I declare at this stage how much I can’t abide the pissing music?

There was also an appearance, again for no reason that I could detect other than to show off, by the lovely Selina Cadell. She breezed in, stole a couple of scenes (a much lesser actress could have done that), and then sodded off.

Thrown in to the damn silly plot was a load of intellectual farting about, featuring Lewis Carroll, C S Lewis and Sophocles, among others. To support the Carroll angle, one of the characters was called Alice. How bollocky clever is that? All of this gives young Hathaway a chance to demonstrate his erudition (missus), which only seems to endear him further to Lewis.

May I ask your leave to declare my hatred of the buggery music?

Anyway, were all this not enough to over egg even the mostly sickly pudding, Chief Superintendent Innocent (in a working class version of this series she would be called C.S. Bang-to-rights-you-toerag) has picked up on the sexual tension between her two colleagues, and decides to try to fix Lewis up with a friend of hers. If any of my gay friends are reading this, I hope that you realise that male homosexuals are only of that persuasion because they haven’t met the right girl yet.

Guess what? It turns out that the Super’s friend is actually the psychotic killer that they have been looking for all along. Gosh! What a turn up, eh?

I realise that there is a matter of etiquette that I have neglected in writing all of this, that is to point out, at the beginning, that it contains what is called a “spoiler”. However, I could not “spoil” this entertainment even if I were to vomit all over it and introduce a scene with princess Michael of Kent stripping.

Does anyone know where I can buy an LP of the music?

P.S. While I have been composing this, the lovely Mrs S has been watching “ER”. I grew bored with it years ago, but I just caught the following piece of dialogue:

“Shall I call the OR?”
“What is it?”

If the first character had replied “It’s a very clean room where they cut people up, but that’s not important right now” I would buy every episode of every series on DVD and watch them all ten times.


KAZ said...

Thanks for the “spoiler” Vicus.
I'd recorded this but I won't bother now - surprised you did actually.
But I may just play back a few minute to hear the music.
.... "Brian Sewell" .... (swoons!)

Dave said...

Did you see young Kevin on 'Who Do You Think You Are?' recently?

If you did, the vicar who showed him an a family tomb is someone who trained with me.

If you didn't, you will probably find this comment even more interesting than usual.

I didn't watch Lewis myself. What is the music like?

I, Like The View said...

what? no link to YouTube for those of us not familiar with the tune to have an opportunity to listen to it?

Vicus Scurra said...

Kaz. Very sorry. I won't give away the ending of "The World at War" in case you were thinking of watching that soon.
Dave. Yes, I saw young Kev, and felt very sorry for him, being related to all of those rich bastards. I haven't found anyone like that in my family tree yet. Your comments are always interesting: it is fascinating to study what passes for existence in East Anglia. When you say you didn't watch Lewis yourself, it implies that you had someone else watch it for you. What is the point of that, other to avoid the music? The music should be subtitled "Music to saw your ears off to". It is by someone called Barrington, whose namesake transformed from an exciting stroke maker to a dour No. 3, and was spectacularly unentertaining. This music is much worse than that. Think of Chris Tavare on a wet Thursday in Chesterfield.

Vicus Scurra said...

ILTV. It's not just the tune, it's the "incidental" music. Please don't force yourself to listen to it. I couldn't bear the guilt.

Dave said...

What's the point of watching it myself, when I know you're going to bear the pain on my behalf?

Dave said...

I've spent all morning trying to remember where that joke came from. It's a variation on one in Airplane! isn't it? I knew I'd heard it recently.

Richard said...

I have been waiting for this. I've heard reviews on the wireless of it and they have been very favourable. You're not, by any chance, expecting too much are you? Can you hum the music?

I do admit to being a bit confused though. I don't have a television, as you all doubtless know by now and have a bit of trouble assimilating all this third hand intelligence into something useful in order that I can nod sagely at other people's conversations and read Heat magazine in the dentist's. I thought Hathaway was married to a prossie.

Donn Coppens said...

If only every show could be as funny as Airplane!

I stopped watching ER when Clooney left to be nipple Batman in the moving pictures.

What sort of music did the Producers toss in anyways? I've never seen you this agitated.

Arabella said...

Is that the sound of John Thaw grinding his ghostly teeth?

Rog said...

Watched this last night ...thanks for not spoiling it. It was Midsummer Murders with a bit of class, come on Vicus. And they didn't play the music on a saw.

(Dave's related to a Tomb Raider?!)