Sunday, April 05, 2009

More horseshit

I note from reports in her majesty’s press that yesterday there was a horse race in Liverpool. I have little interest in these matters, but am opposed to the whole thing in general.

I am not an animal lover. My bargain with the animal kingdom is that I do not eat them and would prefer, all things being equal, that they reciprocate the arrangement at least until after I have died sleeping a deep and exhausted satisfied sleep during the night of my 112th birthday, having romped in a style that does not deserve further description here with several young ladies bearing a likeness to the young Goldie Hawn.

My dear friend Tom makes a living from pandering to the whims of horses. I do not criticise him for this, and indeed it seems to be a fairly clever way of keeping his contact with the rest of humanity to a minimum. I hasten to add that this is humanity’s loss – it is their effect upon Tom which concerns me. He finds human behaviour bizarre, and, as a friend, I keep my contact with him to a brief telephone call every 4 years or so, and a periodic check with his dear wife that matters are not out of control.

Anyway, to end that diversion, I see that one of the horses in yesterday’s abomination died. This is not unusual in these events, and quite often animals get injured and someone decides it would be better off if they were turned into dog meat as a result. (Yes, Dave, it might be more accurate to say that they are turned into horse meat, but you have again overestimated how much I care).

For once I am at a loss as to suggest a fitting way to curtail this cruelty.
Here are a few suggestions.

1) Any owners, trainers and riders of a horse which dies during a race should also be put down.

2) Anyone gambling on an event in which an animal dies should pay a fine of four times their gross annual income.
3) Spectators at an event at which an animal dies should be deprived of a limb of their own choosing prior to being allowed to leave. The limb should be one that is attached to their own body, Dave.
4) John McCririck should be sent to North Korea.

Help me out here, what do you think?


Dave said...

You clerely expect me to make some pedantic comment, so may I just query the phrase 'the night of my night'?

Thank you.

As it happens, I agree with you about the horses.

Geoff said...

If a horse dies the owners of all the horses in the race should be made to run and jump the course themselves. If any of the owners has to be put down as a result of this the other owners should be made to run the race again. And so on.

I'd give 'em a sugarlump each between races.

Vicus Scurra said...

Dave. I am obliged.
Geoff. That means someone would have to observe. Surely it would be easier just to shoot them.

Betty said...

John McCririck should be should be shot and the corpse sold to a glue factory.

KAZ said...

Before we send John McCririck to North Korea - can he complete tasks no 2 and no3 please.
Obviously no1 is too good for him.
(just read Betty - we'll have to use sellotape)

Rol said...

I couldn't agree with you more.

That may be the first time that's ever happened.

Richard said...

I find myself largely in agreement with you here. Why anyone should willingly subject themselves to an afternoon of Clare Balding is beyond explanation.

I've been to Aintree three times over the past year for other reasons. I find it an awe-inspiring location but, I hasten to add, in much the same way as a Roman amphitheatre inspires awe.

donncoppens said...

Good Lord man have you taken leave of your senses? Methinks this be heresy.

Need I remind you that it is quite inappropriate for the commoner to comment on the sport of Kings. One should think that HRH, a Lady who gives her all for the greater good, deserves the opportunity to parade about the stable in her wellies and babooshka.

Horsing about affords her a rare glimpse into the mindset of those of us whose choices in Life are without consequence. Imagine carrying her responsibility, handpicked by the Good Lord Himself no less, to rule one third of mankind.

How could any of us wallowing amidst the great unwashed understand the inticacies involved in harnessing the natural flight responses of a large multicellular herbivore? Who amongst us can truly admit to comprehend transferring this energy to tap into the avaricial proclivities of the commonfolk, in order to create wealth for the family tust.

Indeed, I dare say that the Monarchy itself might very well teeter on the brink of obscurity should this sort of anarchistic hogwash play out in the hands of public opinion.

Good day to you Sir!

tom909 said...

I am appalled by the fluffy bunny attitudes of yourself and your readers. As someone who works with horses every day I can assure you that there is nothing they love more than charging around for a few miles over huge jumps. All the horses are well aware of the risks they are taking, and indeed one of the conditions of the race is that they all sign a disclaimer saying just that.

In the 200 years that this great race has taken place, not once has there been one written complaint from any horse who has taken part.

Lin said...

You are a delicate flower.