I note from reports in her majesty’s press that yesterday there was a horse race in Liverpool. I have little interest in these matters, but am opposed to the whole thing in general.
I am not an animal lover. My bargain with the animal kingdom is that I do not eat them and would prefer, all things being equal, that they reciprocate the arrangement at least until after I have died sleeping a deep and exhausted satisfied sleep during the night of my 112th birthday, having romped in a style that does not deserve further description here with several young ladies bearing a likeness to the young Goldie Hawn.
My dear friend Tom makes a living from pandering to the whims of horses. I do not criticise him for this, and indeed it seems to be a fairly clever way of keeping his contact with the rest of humanity to a minimum. I hasten to add that this is humanity’s loss – it is their effect upon Tom which concerns me. He finds human behaviour bizarre, and, as a friend, I keep my contact with him to a brief telephone call every 4 years or so, and a periodic check with his dear wife that matters are not out of control.
Anyway, to end that diversion, I see that one of the horses in yesterday’s abomination died. This is not unusual in these events, and quite often animals get injured and someone decides it would be better off if they were turned into dog meat as a result. (Yes, Dave, it might be more accurate to say that they are turned into horse meat, but you have again overestimated how much I care).
For once I am at a loss as to suggest a fitting way to curtail this cruelty.
Here are a few suggestions.
1) Any owners, trainers and riders of a horse which dies during a race should also be put down.
2) Anyone gambling on an event in which an animal dies should pay a fine of four times their gross annual income.
3) Spectators at an event at which an animal dies should be deprived of a limb of their own choosing prior to being allowed to leave. The limb should be one that is attached to their own body, Dave.
4) John McCririck should be sent to North Korea.
Help me out here, what do you think?