Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Sobriety, sex, science and sundry soothsaying

Thank heavens for the Torygraph, inspiration for so many finely constructed essays in this blog. The following news items attracted my attention.
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A DJ in Birmingham has lost his job after cutting off the queen’s speech at Christmas, saying it was boring, putting on a record called “Last Christmas” by a modern beat combo called “Wham” and announcing “from one queen to another”. I applaud this action, it may seem harsh to some, but anyone playing christmas songs in public should be sacked. I shall seek out his employers and offer my services. I have exciting ideas to enliven public broadcasting, including a week devoted to playing the complete clarinet concertos of Carl Stamitz. Helpfully, the Torygraph published a picture of the queen. Most of its readers will have assumed that Ann is still on the throne.

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There is a report that the extra curricular activities of a well known golfer have cost the shareholders of his various sponsors $12 billion dollars. Good. Capitalist bastards. I trust that they are not so hard up that they face starvation. Having skinny targets for the firing squads when the revolution comes will be so tiresome.

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A psychologist has put forward the theory that male infidelity can help a marriage. It would be cruel to suggest that judging by her photograph she is just desperate for a shag, and so I won’t do that. I will, however, run the risk of ignoring her advice and persevere by trying to keep Mrs S happy by being the kind of husband of whom she can be proud. I will not allow my dispensing of wisdom to the masses to be compromised by being distracted by sundry sausage hiding – I have neither the time nor energy. No doubt there will be some people distressed by my lack of availability. May I suggest that you avail yourselves of the services of the golfer mentioned earlier? He seems to have the time on his hands, and by – (insert sordid golfing pun here) – you will be helping to bring about the downfall of capitalism.

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They have published numbers 11 to 25 (the rest tomorrow, I am so excited I could piss) of the “Britons of the Year”. I have heard of some of these people, and dare say that some of them may be loved by their families. Let me just take issue with their choice of Stephen Wolfram who, among other daft achievements, developed “the best-selling software system Mathematica, which has allowed millions of users to turn their computers into incredibly sophisticated calculating machines”. Yes, that is what we use our computers for, isn’t it? You won’t catch us wasting time by looking for obscure news stories, making jokes about tits or reading Dave’s blog, will you?

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There is a further section on scientific discoveries of the year. I am virtually orgasmic with anticipation and almost certainly will be reporting on this in due course.

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What of my review of the year? Well, there was that news story, that quite nice song, one or two good things on the electric television, a sporting achievement or two of note. Will that do?

17 comments:

Dave said...

Two more wickets to go.

Dave said...

129-9.

You needn't turn Sky on when you've got me.

Dave said...

133-10.

tom909 said...

Just got up in time to hear the last wicket go down.

Enjoyed your post Vicus, and for god's sake don't fall for the obvious.

KAZ said...

I hope that's a vegetarian sausage Vicus.

Christopher said...

Drat. Missed it. And we've only got Hawkeye. Well done the lads.

Good morning, Vicus. Splendid stuff. You've put me in a good mood for the rest of the year. Thank you.

Very recondite, Stamitz clarinet concertos. Are there more than one?

Vicus Scurra said...

Dave. You are correct, we don't need sky when we've got skypilots.
Tom. You must have good hearing - is the wind blowing from the south?
Kaz. I would say that the proof is in the eating, but am far too refined.
Christopher. There are bucketfuls of clarinet concertos by said Carl - all passable, one of them excellent. It goes "da da da da, da da da da, da-da dada-dada-da". Only on a clarinet.

Rog said...

You missed the words "pulling off into a bit of rough" in this post.

I hope this helps.

I, Like The View said...

where was the soothsaying? did I miss it? I needed someone to saysooth to me this morning

and I so hoped it was going to be you (no offence to your missus)

zIggI said...

no, not much soothing...

try harder

Arabella said...

"Hiding sausages"? You've been baking 'Pigs in Blankets' for the wife? Aw - whatta guy!

Christopher said...

Vicus, thank you. I had no idea. Hours of delight ahead. Can I recommend Anton Reicha's piano trios in return? - but if you're into obscure Bohemians you'll know them already.

Donnw/2nz said...

HA!
I am unaware if the Canadian Broadcorping Castration remembered to air the Queen's message this year?
I had to Google it!

"Wee can certainly neever bee complacent aboot foreignors und eemeegrants und der ees every reeason to bee hoopeful aboot theeir future eeviction beecause theeir cultural values und diverse dietary peculiarities are NOT compatible und zay vill neever adapt to allow thee underlying British values of worldwide domination.
Theenk Yeeou und God Bleess.
"

Vicus Scurra said...

Rog. I am obliged.
ILTV. Sooth.
Ziggi. Bum.
Arabella. Our house is not welcoming to slaughtered flesh. Please behave.
Christopher. I will acquaint myself with those works presently.
Donn. Most of us avoid Liz's Lecherous Lecture by choice. We do not expect to have it rammed down our throats while perusing the comments section of popular news sources.

Z said...

Goodness, Carl Stamitz was keen on his clarinet concertos, wasn't he. I am starting at Number One and will work my way through them. I will then go on to Anton Reicha. Thank you, Vicus and Christopher.

Did the psychologist indicate whether the wife finding out was good for the marriage as well? Or, indeed, whether her infidelity added anything useful? Not that the Sage and I are looking for tips, of course. Not at all.

Richard said...

Uuh...they wrote classical music for the clarinet? Whatever next. They'll be doing jazz on it too, I dare say.

Can I just point out that you didn't actually mention any golfer, you only alluded to one.

I think that is enough pedantry for this year (I steered clear of saying decade for obvious reasons).

Richard said...

OK, "writing" decade, I know I didn't actually say it. Tsk.