Monday, January 04, 2010

Fearful that this tripe will attract unwanted perverts via search engines

As the more astute readers (there is a fine oxymoron for you) may have detected, I became somewhat disenchanted with the Torygraph’s scientific review of the decade. I think it was just a space filler, which is odd as I read it online, and as of 8:40 this fine morning there still seems to be lots of potential space on the electric internet as yet unfilled.

So this morning I turned my attention to the august offerings of the Belfast Telegraph and their perspective on the scientific community.

The particular article that caught my attention, and I have no idea why, concerned a study by ‘scientists’ from King’s College London which has cast doubt on the existence of the ‘G Spot’.

No details are given as to the source of funding for this project, but I suspect that it was the good old taxpayer. The alternative is that a millionairess had become distraught at the loss of her erogenous zone.

Let us applaud the restraint, then, of these fine scientists who did not set about their task by the more obvious practical route, but instead conducted the research by the medium of a questionnaire.

The BT tells us that the questionnaires were “filled in”; not “filled out”, nor “filled up”, nor even simply “filled”. What does one do with questionnaires? Perhaps I ought to conduct a questionnaire about it. When ‘filled in’ and ‘filled out’ clearly carry the same meaning ought we not to dispense with all the outs, ins, ups, downs, rounds, throughs, ons and offs that superfluously qualify verbs? I am sure that you all have an opinion on this important matter. I am equally sure that I care not what it is. (that’s enough wandering off topic, Ed.)

There will be, no doubt, a parade of comely wenches who, having had this issue highlighted, will be begging my time and expertise in searching out their G spots, and indeed any other alphabet related personal area that is normally concealed from public view. I am sorry to disappoint, but my mailbox and letterbox are filled with similar requests, and these boxes alone take too much of my time (I nearly wrote “take up” there). I really wish there were someone around with my discretion and sensitivity with whom I could share these arduous duties.

Perhaps instead you could inform the chaps at KCL if you have a G spot. Or tell them if you once had one and have now lost it (where was it the last time you remember seeing it?). If you have ever found a G spot, particularly in some place that you were not expecting to find one, then I am sure that they would be equally interested.

18 comments:

Dave said...

I havse some expertise in this area. Or so I am told.

I hope this helps.

Christopher said...

I ghost about this very matter in the name of one dear to us all in The Big Issue. Did the BT article carry a by-line?

Vicus Scurra said...

Dave. It does not help, as the word 'area' is somewhat ambiguous. Do you mean Norfolk? If not, the area in question seems to be missing, so your having expertise in it would not seem to help.
Christopher, alas no. You would have thought that they would have had the wit to invent one, wouldn't you?

moreidlethoughts said...

Why does the old song "Keep Yer 'and on Yer A'penny" come to mind?
(No, Vicus, you need not answer that.)

Rog said...

See! You've got 4 unwanted perverts already.

KAZ said...

You see Vicus - this is what you do to us.
As if losing my G spot wasn't enough to worry about - I shall now lie awake worrying about superfluously qualifying my verbs.

zIggI said...

and why does flammable and inflammable mean the same even without superflously qualifying it?

I have lost my glasses so I can't tell whether I've lost anything else.

I, Like The View said...

what attracts (or defines) a wanted pervert then?

Vicus Scurra said...

I,LTV - I cannot answer. You tell us why you came here, please.

I, Like The View said...

but that still won't answer the question, now will it

vaitarni said...

GOD has 3 answers for each question
1. yes
2. wait
3. i've another better plan for you.
but never says NO.
so keep trust.

MJ said...

It's located in the same region as my F spot, of course.

Vicus Scurra said...

MJ. Not much help. Everyone knows where your enormous F spot is. The G spot is more subtle.

MJ said...

*pushes Vicus into the wet spot*

Tim Footman said...

Visiting this thread is like eavesdropping on an am dram adaptation of Cocoon.

Zed said...

Easy. It's located further up from my T spot, my C spot my V spot and my F spot. I don't need a 'scientist' to tell me where it's not when I know it's there.

Go and talk to them, Vicus.

Richard said...

I have a second hand G-Plan table. Is this the same thing?

It's been a long time.

Boz said...

I dunno about a g spot, but I've got some smarties you can have?