Monday, December 12, 2011

Please, someone, make it stop


I am getting tired of writing about these bloody scientists. (Good. Write about something you know about. Ed.)

This morning’s news from the world of fantasy, is that the Higgs Boson has been “glimpsed”. Yes, £10billion for a glimpse. Good job that there is plenty of money to go round, isn’t it?

Then there is the exciting news of the discovery of two large black holes not 300million light years away. “How big are they?” you ask, “Fucking big” is my riposte. The reports about these holes all mention that in a black hole the laws of physics break down. The laws of physics are always breaking down, which is why I refuse to obey them. They are silly. Very silly indeed, and I wish that I had taken the time to explain this to Mr McDermott in my fourth form physics lessons so that he could have talked about something more sensible.

Not to be outdone, medical scientists are trying to grab attention on the BBC news site by proclaiming the value of faecal transplants. I shit you not. For those of you not of a scientific disposition will perhaps be aided in understanding this process by the analogy of the British democratic process. Every few years we have a transplant called a General Election, in which the same shit is moved from one set of bodies to another. Unlike the claims of our doctor friends, however, in this case nothing ever gets better.

I trust that this has cheered you all, to the extent that you can now listen to some twat playing “White Christmas” or some other seasonal shite without resorting to mass murder.

10 comments:

Richard said...

I'd just like to point out that you do actually obey certain laws of physics whether you like it or not and whether we've worked out what they are or not. It is a bit like the last Labour administration; at the end of it we were all doing much the same sort of things as we were 12 years earlier but we were 600 times more likely to end up in gaol.

Dave said...

Knock Knock
Who's there ?
Oakham
Oakham who ?
Oakham all ye faithful.

Vicus Scurra said...

Richard. You are supposing that there really are any laws of physics. I think you have been hoodwinked by seasonal mythology.
Dave. Oakham is more often taken to be the name of a place rather than a person, and therefore the unlikelihood of a place being able to knock, knock renders the joke less effective. Although I do concede that it is subject to our current understanding of the laws of physics.

Scarlet Blue said...

Why would a shit transplant make you feel better?
Sx

Zoe said...

I rather like the idea of mass murder. Only the people I dislike, obviously. Watch your back, Vicus.

Dave said...

One uses poisoned waifers, or drugs in the chalice, to commit mass murder, doesn't one?

Pearl said...

Say, and don't forget that we have vast, mountain-range piles of shit here in the U.S., where we firmly believe in whatever the latest is as long as it fits firmly within a two-party system.

Yours in Recycling,

Pearl

Adam said...

Silly laws of physics? I personally think it is our solemn duty to disobey laws that we think are silly. #OccupyBlackHoles

Vicus Scurra said...

Scarlet. I cannot imagine that it would. Please do not believe everything that you read, unless, of course, that I have written it.

Zoe. Please relax. You are clearly overwrought.

Dave. Thank you for the ecclesiastical reference. We will let you know.

Pearl. Send some over. Clearly a shortage here.

Adam. I love you more profoundly as each day passes.

MJ said...

Bromance.