I am getting tired of writing about these bloody scientists. (Good. Write about something you know about. Ed.)
This morning’s news from the world of fantasy, is that the Higgs Boson has been “glimpsed”. Yes, £10billion for a glimpse. Good job that there is plenty of money to go round, isn’t it?
Then there is the exciting news of the discovery of two large black holes not 300million light years away. “How big are they?” you ask, “Fucking big” is my riposte. The reports about these holes all mention that in a black hole the laws of physics break down. The laws of physics are always breaking down, which is why I refuse to obey them. They are silly. Very silly indeed, and I wish that I had taken the time to explain this to Mr McDermott in my fourth form physics lessons so that he could have talked about something more sensible.
Not to be outdone, medical scientists are trying to grab attention on the BBC news site by proclaiming the value of faecal transplants. I shit you not. For those of you not of a scientific disposition will perhaps be aided in understanding this process by the analogy of the British democratic process. Every few years we have a transplant called a General Election, in which the same shit is moved from one set of bodies to another. Unlike the claims of our doctor friends, however, in this case nothing ever gets better.
I trust that this has cheered you all, to the extent that you can now listen to some twat playing “White Christmas” or some other seasonal shite without resorting to mass murder.