Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Next time, it will be Pope Britney

I have been urged by a colleague to shed some light on the election of the new pontiff. I say this because I do not wish to appear to be privy to the details behind every major world news story and feel that it behoves me to occasionally exercise severe discretion. However, at this point I do not think that a little more openness would be harmful.

Yesterday afternoon I received a call from Cardinal Capone, (if this story seems familiar, I regret to inform you that Peter’s story, amusing though it is, is fictitious), who said that there was a danger of damage to the hats of the cardinals, as so much head-scratching was going on. Joe the Rat, as his friends know him, had been elected, but they were damned (sic) if they could think of a suitable name.

Sometimes my patience is strained. This lot have had nothing else to think about for the best part of a fortnight, and still they don’t have the gumption to exercise their imagination. This is the direct consequence of being told what to do for their whole lives.

I suggested that it was time for a show of modernisation, and something to liven up the image of the new pope. Joe has been a boring old fart ever since I first met him when we were on the German jury for the 1983 Eurovision Song Contest. He was winner of the “Most boring mass” competition in Rome for seven years in the late 1980s and early 1990s. As former head of the Inquisition, I also felt he needed to be seen as not entirely devoid of humour.

“Pope Benny Hill”, I said, “that will do it”.

I had a vision of a Pope, while remaining respected for his piety, wisdom and compassion, who was also able to acknowledge his humanity at a universal level by deployment of cheeky double-entendre and well-meaning references to carnal activity (at the same time recognising that anyone going so far to practise these activities would burn forever). I had a vision of Popes and Cardinals chasing scantily clad altar boys round St Peters Square with the film speeded up.

Alas, it was not to be, thanks either to the Italian telephone system, Capone’s appalling grasp of English or maybe the will of God.

The same thing happened last time round. It should have been Jean Paul, in recognition of my old friend Sartre.

14 comments:

zoe said...

l'enfer ... c'est les autres.

Peter said...

What's zoe on about?

My story was mostly true, as it happens. We really did lunch on Eggs Benedict just before the proclamation. The only thing I made up was the phone call. (As I suspect you did also... :)

Vicus Scurra said...

Thank you Zoe, that is exactly what one needs, quotes from great thinkers in the original tongue.
You others, take note, let's have no more of this orgy nonsense.

It seems churlish to correct Zoe's quote. Sartre, on this occasion, was speaking English in his appalling accent, and what he actually said was "Long fur - silly otters". I do not think there was any deep significance to this remark, he was just drunk.

But, Zoe, it is the sentiment that counts. Thank you for bringing culture to this outpost of barbarism.

Mark Gamon said...

Thank you for explaining about John Paul actually being Jean Paul. I have spent the last thirty years eagerly anticipating the investiture of Pope George n'Ringo. Which only goes to show you should never trust an Italian...

broomhilda said...

Well! I never...

Ok once, but I was really drunk.

zoe said...

my pleasure, vicus - it happens to be my favourite quote.

caroline said...

Hell is other popes.

Mark Gamon said...

Oh. You're a pope. You go to heaven. St Peter lets you in (natch). You discover heaven is entirely populated by popes. It feels like hell. Only more boring. You become very confused. For all eternity...

You people will keep putting these disturbing pictures in my head...

Vicus Scurra said...

Yes, Mark, leave the spiritual matters to highly evolved souls such as Broomhilda and I.
You will then find the headaches disappear.
I suggest you help this process by concentrating on something more temporal, like the forthcoming election.

broomhilda said...

Vicus has a point Mark.

It's not all of us that has you disturbed, it's you. You're holding back your own true nature. Until you let yourself go and start talking about the elections, I'm afraid you will continue to have disturbing thoughts, and headaches.

Hoosier said...

Ah! When first seeing the title, I had a strong urge to gouge out my own eyes.

Vicus Scurra said...

Ooops, I did it again.
Canonise me baby, one more time.

Displaying a knowledge of popular culture that would embarrass me were I capable of selfconsciousness.

Mark Gamon said...

Awww go on. You secretly love that Britney Spears's records, I know you do...

All togther now:

'Oooh babybaby; how wazzi supposed ter know...'

Vicus Scurra said...

No, I have no idea what you are writing about.