Tuesday, July 18, 2006

More than a woman

Even in these dismal days of summer, when it is too hot to move and I am suffering from some sort of strange disease contracted in the USA, there comes the occasional shaft of light to brighten this dark age. This one comes from TCM at livescience. They are discussing the problem of cane toads in Australia. As recently as June I tried to provide an answer to this problem, something about getting Rolf Harris to sing until they had all killed themselves.

Attempts to eradicate the toads have been largely unsuccessful, although scientists reported last year that they had managed to lure and trap the creatures using ultraviolet lights like those used in disco clubs.”

Yes, there we have it. I wish (not for the first time) that we had some Aussie visitors here. But perhaps some of you are familiar with nightlife in Queensland. Have any of you frequented the discotheques in the area from Brisbane to Cairns?

I have never been an attendee at such institutions. From what I can gather they are so noisy and poorly lit that it is impossible to discern what your dancing partners are saying and what they look like. I suspect that many of you are thinking that that would be an ideal environment in which I could find myself a partner, but so far I have never been quite that desperate.

So, despite my lack of first hand experience, I would urge caution. It may be at the end of the evening that you find that the attractive young lady with whom you have been dancing, chatting and drinking, is slightly more amphibitorial than you had hoped.

Here are the signs you should look out for to help you make sure that your dancing partner is not an impostor:

  • Deep voice.
  • Bulging eyes.
  • Poisonous glands on back.

Now, some of you might be unkind enough to suggest that the above criteria are insufficient to distinguish them from the typical Queensland Sheila. I would never stoop to such ethnic stereotypes, (unless I could be sure that I had some Queensland readers).

Off you go now and check your marriage certificates. If your partner is named “Bufo Marinus” then you may have been deceived. Unless you are Tom. I understand that these creatures are prodigious breeders – right up your street.

42 comments:

Cherrypie said...

I believe they can also go by the name of John Prescott.

Richard said...

Aren't they laced with hallucinogenic slime or something? Something else right up Tom's street.

I was going to say I had a similar encounter at a school disco once but that would be unkind to Rosemary. The feeling may well have been mutual.

Sheryl said...

What the article doesn't mention is the lure of cheap drinks and all the flies they can eat. Gets 'em every time.

jromer said...

rrrrrrriiiiiibbbbbbitttt! croak! croak!.....oops. i mean. hi!

MJ said...

"Males are able to reproduce as both sexes because they possess a rudimentary ovary that becomes operative if their testes are removed or damaged."

Pamela Troeppl said...

Hmmm....I wonder if that would work on Tommy?

Vicus Scurra said...

Sheryl, as always, your perspicacity brings us the benefits of new insights.
Pamela would what work on Tommy? Nothing has worked on him to my recollection these 35 years, with the possible exception of some dubious acid in 1971 that lead him to believe that he was Lord Hailsham for a few days. Even with the benefit of having had many years to reflect on this, I cannot decide whether this was beneficial.

vadwulv - infection of the pancreas resulting from consorting with amphibians.

tom909 said...

For a few days! I sat in the Lords throughout the early 70s and was instrumental in the setting up of many important social improvement bills.

Betty said...

I would rather marry a frog than kiss the Prince Of Wales.

Vicus Scurra said...

Betty, when did he ask you?

Geoff said...

OK, but didn't I turn into something handsome?

Within Without said...

So THAT'S what caused my divorce.

Vicus Scurra said...

See, WW, you have been here for only five minutes, and I have solved one of the great mysteries of your life.
And what do I get in return? Another bloody blog to read. You will all be cited as co-respondents when Mrs S. finally tires of my devotion to the internet.

Within Without said...

Yeah, Vicus, you have solved one of my life's great mysteries in one stroke of brilliant wit.

Truth is, I've been here before but couldn't stop laughing long enough to forge a response.

Definitely put me on your list of co-respondents when the missus finally freaks.

Dyna Girl said...

Fuck. I kept thinking he'd turn into a prince...eventually.

Carmenzta said...

What disease did you pick up in Kansas City?

fwaekg - verb, to get very angry and insulted. As in "Mrs. Scurra fwaekged out."

Vicus Scurra said...

Carmentza! Was that you?

zreny - state of mind when all becomes clear.

tom909 said...

Let's drag this back to the Cane toad problem - this is something I do have first hand experience of.
When I was in the outback in the early 70s we used to stew the fuckers up to make tea. It tasted OK actually but even now, over 30 years later, I still get the flashbacks.

homo escapeons said...

Aussies love to pop them with their front tires. You have to line them up on the road so that they are facing you and the air is trapped inside their bodies. If you hit them just right they EXPLODE!
...or you can just lick 'em and waste the rest of the afternoon catching flys with your tongue.

raincoaster said...

Quote: lick 'em and waste the rest of the afternoon catching flys with your tongue.

God, if I had a dime for every time I fell for that line...

Frontier Editor said...

I'm wondering if this conversation has begun to meander. Are we talking about Australia or the French?


rmnjmazs - bedtime wear designed especially for tossing the salad.

raincoaster said...

It's all Greek to me. Or at least, they tell me that's Greek.

Carmenzta said...

Tommy, Tommy, make up your mind (or write things down so you remember what you said). Did you sit in the Lords (whatever that is) or were you in the outback during the early 70's? I'm sure you could not have done both at the same time.

Signed: Confused in Kansas City.

Frontier Editor said...

Carmentza,

Tom meant back bench, not outback. That cane toad venom is heady stuff.

Vicus Scurra said...

Carmentza, FE, I see no conflict in Tom's account. You may not have followed the progress of the Heath government, but the sight of Lord Hailsham tripping out of his box as a result of ingesting boiled toads was fairly commonplace in those days. It wasn't until he joined the Clash that he was refused entry to Australia. Do try to keep up.

tom909 said...

Actually Vicus, I joined The Clash just after I'd been refused entry to Australia.

Pamela Troeppl said...

I was going to laugh but then I got distracted by something.

Frontier Editor said...

And that's when Tom asked the magic question: "Should I stay or should I go?"

Frontier Editor said...

And the row created by Hailsham was commemorated by the naming of the airport, I suppose.

Kyahgirl said...

You're a funny man vicus. I'm so glad you helped WW figure out his marital history. You could charge good money for that service. :-)

Pamela Troeppl said...

vicus as a marital counselor?


What's the world coming to?

Richard said...

Tom, as Lord Hailsham you spent some time as Lord Chancellor under Maggie. You may, or may not, remember this. I wish to apologise for kicking your dog in 1985. It was a yappy Jack Russell and was making a nuisance of itself during a party to mark the occasion of my impending wedding which was being held in your very own garden at the Lords, where my intended was then employed. I suspect the dog, like yourself, has since passed away but I sincerely hope my actions did not hasten its demise.

raincoaster said...

One should only ever kick Chihuahuas. And those, as often as possible.

I mean, what is UP with the Mexicans? When the Scots wanted a meat animal, they came up with the Aberdeen Angus. When the Mexicans wanted a meat animal, they came up with the Chihuahua. Didn't they already have rats?

Richard said...

Have you ever tried putting an Aberdeen Angus in your handbag? Maybe they were bred as snacks.

Frontier Editor said...

I hadn't thought of that Richard. A chilhuahua does fit conveniently in a standard corn or flour tortilla. And the old fat ones might make marvelous pinatas

raincoaster said...

Yeah, but you can get an Aberdeen Angus to carry your handbag, and half your family. And when it finally bites the big one, you can make a whole set of luggage out of it.

With a Chihuahua, you would be lucky to have enough to make a tampon case. Not that you would need one. I'm just sayin' is all.

Carmenzta said...

Well, my opinion is that if Richard uses a handbag he may very well need a tampon case...Just seems logical to me.

And Raincoaster, don't poo-poo chihuahuas. You too will one day be 50-something, estrogen-less, and suffer from the empty-nest syndrome, forcing you to get a teacup version of a pesky little dog, like a chihuahua. It can happen to you too.

By the way everyone, I am Carmenzta, note the ZTA, not TZA. Thanks!

yrtmo - US military base located in Mongolia.

jaq said...

Deep voice, bulging eyes and poison glands? Actually Peter Hitchens came to mind.

Isn't licking a toad supposed to cure warts? If we all likcked one will Bliar disappear do you think? Just a vain hope.

Richard said...

Ha - you jest CarmenZTA. Back in the early 80s I used to work with a gentleman from Southampton called Ray who had appalling judiths. When these burst, he was first down the chemist for some Lil-lets - saved ugly spotting in just the same way. Well, almost - you know what I mean.

raincoaster said...

Isn't Lillet a French aperitif? I am NEVER drinking with you lot except when I open the bottle myself.

Frontier Editor said...

Richard,

I'll keep the chilhuahua hide in mind the next time I'm not feeling as fresh as I should be.

Frontier Editor said...

Hey, it IS Carmenzta.