Monday, July 31, 2006

A return to more wholesome topics.

In case any of you were worried about the report at the BBC about sperm donations. I wanted to clarify some of the potential ambiguities.

“a shortage of sperm donors”
This means that there are insufficient sperm donors, not that sperm donors are lacking in height. Masturbation does not stunt your growth. I am six feet tall, and although I have been referred to on many occasions as “the biggest wanker in North East Hampshire”, it should not be construed that fellow practitioners are all midgets.

“The clinics are struggling”
This is all to do with meeting quotas, it does not mean that potential donors will be engaged in physical combat during the act of donation. That would be silly.

"It started to decrease even while the law was under discussion."
Then talk about something slightly more erotic.

“too few men were coming forward”
This is indicative of a lack of volunteers, not some bizarre onanistic position.

"Today, many NHS clinics are finding it hard”
Needs no explanation.

“a lot of sperm banks have closed their doors.”
This is probably a positive step. It may discourage a few exhibitionists, but generally these activities are best kept private.


Dave said...

I was going to say something about 'coming forward' being better than coming backwards, but decided that might lower the tone of this otherwise dignified and genteel post.

Vicus Scurra said...

Thank, young man, for exercising decorum.

Carmenzta said...

Yes, it's refreshing to have a wholesome topic again.

One comment:
"it should not be construed that fellow practitioners are all midgets."

No, but they are all blind or need glasses.

homo escapeons said...

How flaccinating!
You forgot to mention that these clinics are 'hands down' the only medical facilities where a man can actually look forward to his appointment and leave with his head high and a spring in his step.

Not to mention the wanks, I mean thanks, that he gets for doing his parts, I mean part, in bettering mankind.

Jack said...

Carmenzta is right .. the Penthouse magazine is just not the same in Braille

Geoff said...

Maybe there's a shortage of sperm donors because many wankers don't want to pass their wanker genes on.

Though that's never stopped them in the past.

Carmenzta said...


I am assuming that the term "wankers" refers to gentlemen who indulge in self-pleasuring. Well, they are notable for not being too particular in passing on their genes to whatever, ummmm, "container."

efqtnlv - The kind of love only experienced between a wanker and his vial.

Pamela Troeppl said...

Wank on Wank off.

Sorry, I think I have the Karate Kid stuck in my head.

Vicus Scurra said...

Pamela when you say you have the Karate Kid stuck in your head, do you mean that you have a recurring thought that you cannot eliminate from your mind, or have you been mixing your sexual adventures with martial arts again? I thought we spoke about that.

tom909 said...

As a regular contributor to my local sperm bank here are one or two facts that may interest you.
They pay me extra because I'm middle class and organic.
They do have braille for blind wankers, they have little barbie dolls for them.
The receptionist on the front desk is so hot that by the time she's taken your details and given you your phial most clients are ready to go.
Carmy, yes I do wear glasses, but only for reading, and my eyes were fine for 45 years.
And Pammy, that's disgusting, get that kid out of your head.

raincoaster said...

I wish you'd posted this sooner. Now I have to cancel my order for the DVD.

MJ said...

I don't believe there's a shortage of wankers in the UK. Can't they recruit from Parliament?

Mark Gamon said...

There's a sperm bank in DEVON?

My heavens. We do live in the 21st century now, don't we?

Vicus Scurra said...

Yes, Mark, there are women out there who want children who could earn their living by being extras in a remake of Deliverance.

maaxrzz - high quality shop in Devon.

Carmenzta said...

Sheesh, Tommy, how long you been wearing glasses? Please help me out, I don't like doing mental math (I'm blonde).

Vicus Scurra said...

Eyes were fine for 45 years, therefore been wearing specs for 28 years.

tom909 said...

I am old but I'm not 73. I would not be out of place at your old folks friday get together. Anyway for the first 14 years of my life I wasn't into sex. Then I went 30 years without glasses but then I got my comeuppance and it all caught up with me. Carmy, guess my age - I was eight when Bolton Wanderers beat Man Utd 2-0 in the FA cup final.

Dyna Girl said...

Gee. I always thought I was short due to masturbation.

Vicus Scurra said...

"short of" not "short due to", surely?

Carmenzta said...

Tommy, You are making me work hard here and I look really funny when smoke comes out of my ears, especially at work. Ummm, I don't even know what a Man Utd 2-0 is.

yurxdjfj - Tommy's age in Roman numerals.

pwyna - A person of the masculine gender that is passing a kidney stone. (Am I the only one that gets these good word verifications?)

Pamela Troeppl said...

Who is older, vicus or Tommy?

Inquiring minds need to know. For research purposes.

Vicus Scurra said...

When I was 8, Elton John's cousin broke his leg in the cup final.

tom909 said...

When I was eight Johnny Haynes was on the losing side in the semi final.

tom909 said...

By the way Pammy, do you mean physically or spiritually? As you know Vicus is very near the end of his karmic cycle.

Pamela Troeppl said...

Everyone that knows vicus, knows that. Apparently his next incarnation has something to do with hairy palms.

Mark Gamon said...

Carmy - strictly speaking, you're referring to a Manchester United 0-2. They were beaten by Bolton, who scored both the goals. However I understand from Tom's comment that Bolton were playing at home, which means the scoreline in your comment should have been listed as 'Bolton 2-0'.

Always happy to help a confused American out. You can throw things at me now - I'm ready to duck.

raincoaster said...

There's no shortage of confused Americans, but they may run out of things to throw soon, if Bush can't annex another country.

When I was eight, they shot Ruffian. Does that put it in a nice, sports-related context?

Richard said...

When I was 8 I was in Mrs Chittenden's class. Everyone went to Woodstock and the second IoW. Except my Mum and Dad. And Mrs Chittenden's class.

Vicus and Tom are therefore both older than me but it's safe to say that there are probably parts of my brain with fewer holes in.

Mark Gamon said...

When I Was 8 we'd barely thought of Cliff and the Shadows, never mind Woodstock.

I feel strangely sad now.

Carmenzta said...


Thank you for clearing that up. "the scoreline in your comment should have been listed as 'Bolton 2-0'." Well, shoot, of course I was confused! AND may I point out (sweetly) that the state of confusion is not one limited to us 'mericans, even though there may be a slight prevalence in our great nation.

Mark Gamon said...

What're the three best States in the Union?

The state of confusion, the state of intoxication, and the state of Maine.

The old ones are always the best.

I forgive you your confusion, Carmen. But only cause I think you're hot.

Carmenzta said...

Thank you, Marky, though my only hotness is of the "hot-flashy" type so I REALLY appreciate the flattery. xxx

Frontier Editor said...

I once knew a person who thought he had the perfect solution to not being caught at chronic masturbation - using Nair as lubricant.

leczrya: Solidarity's 1970's American jazz cover band.