Wednesday, August 02, 2006

What happened next?

This competition is devoid of prizes. Other than experiencing the sheer joy of living in these times.

This story comes from my friends at Ananova (the Press Association).

What do you think happened next?

A Croatian man got a nasty surprise when he tried to get out of his deck chair and found his testicles had got stuck.
Mario Visnjic had gone swimming naked in the sea at the Valalta beach in western
Croatia.
His testicles had shrunk while in the cool sea and slipped through the wooden slats when he sat back down on his wooden deckchair.
But as he lay in the sun they expanded back to normal size and got stuck between the slats.
He was eventually freed after he called beach maintenance services on his mobile phone and they sent a member of staff to.....

  • Remove the offending items?
  • Cut the deck chair in half?
  • Have a bloody good laugh?
  • Tickle his gonads?

Have your genitals ever got stuck anywhere? Did you ever get them back? Can this journal slide further down the poor taste league?

29 comments:

Betty said...

The answer is: all of the above.

The bloke who is swimming the whole length of the Thames was being interviewed by Richard and Judy this afternoon.

Richard: "The one question I've been dying to ask you - in the freezing temperatures you have to swim in, do your nuts shrink?"

Judy: "You could call them testicles, Richard."

MJ said...

Ha! I was going to post this but I see you've beaten me to it. You know you're on a slippery downhill slope when you're posting news items that interest the likes of me.

Cherrypie said...

sent a member of staff to...

administer Mivvy lollies ( or mini-milks if the chap was British) until chair and chap could be parted.

Carmenzta said...

What a pig! How can he sit on a lounge chair neked and not put a towel down or something. Yuck. Serves him right.

My answer would be: Remove the offending items. Throw the guy back into the water with the attached lounge chair until he shrinks back to size. Ouch.

kat said...

I think any woman who has been through childbirth can relate to a situation involving one's reprodcutive organs that must move forward, but cannot be accomplished without extreme pain involved. In other words, you may as well climb into the car, because if you don't, you're going to get dragged along behind.

More seriously, having worked on an ambulance in LA, where people do things like this on purpose and expect the paramedics to extricate them-no pun intended, the following things would have happened, had this been LA.

1. Send away the female medics.
2. Get a small saw out from the fire dept guy who is nearly blind from contained mirth,
3. Grease the guy's balls with KY jelly-I don't know what the equivalent is here.
4. Cut out one of the slats with the saw,
6. Pop them right out.
7. Throw up on the way back to the station house from laughing.

Note: Chances are some of the more imaginative and sympathetic paramedics would have administered an IV painkiller/tranquilizer to the poor schmuck, because by now his balls would be the size of footballs-it doesn't take long when they don't have anywhere to go. As a matter of fact, this may be required, because by the time help arrives, the guy is definitely not going to be happy.

Sim said...

Personally, I think it's a Darwin in the making...

Richard said...

The ideology may not be quite correct for a Croatian but the phrase "caught by the chetniks" is begging to be used.

tom909 said...

This story is bollocks.

Within Without said...

Why are there no prizes, first?

First of all, it serves the poor bastard right for sitting down BEFORE his testicles expanded back.

However, once he got stuck, the maintenance staff would have had no choice but to perform ops. 3, 4 and 2, in that order.

My genitals have never got stuck anywhere from which I could not wantonly or forcibly remove them.

I will leave it at that, other than to say I think this journal is of the highest calibre.

Pamela Troeppl said...

My mom, rest her soul, would so proud of me for reading such high brow material.

raincoaster said...

Really, the simplest solutions are the best. Just show the fella some video from a bell hooks speech and they'll shrink right up.

Vicus Scurra said...

Sim. Welcome.
I notice that it is the ladies who seem to opt for the treatments that are not only the quickest but which show no regard for the comfort of the patient. I could have predicted this.

raincoaster said...

Well we're far less likely to get our gonads caught in anything. God obviously intended us to make fun of y'all.

jromer said...

wow. my heterosexuality just took another beating. thanks mr. scurra.

Vicus Scurra said...

Raincoaster. Two words. Tits. Mangle.

Mark Gamon said...

I'm with Tom. A load of balls.

He 'sat back down' on his wooden deckchair???? Exactly how far down between his thighs do the bollocks in question usually dangle?

I think he deserves a little sympathy. The poor man must have been deformed to start with.

raincoaster said...

Vicus, you silly man! She was lying to you: that's just what happens when they get really old.

Carmenzta said...

Vicus,

Did you mean "Two words. Tits. DANGLE."????

Pamela Troeppl said...

I don't think they have to dangle to get caught in stuff. I was in my twenties and leaned over my desk at work, the drawer beneath closed and I wanted to die right there on the spot.

The word 'pain' doesn't quite cover that experience.

tom909 said...

Ah, things are looking up, now we're on to tits. I just feel a bit strange inside when people talk about bollock pain issues. I do actually have a recurring dream on that theme which is fucking awful.
I'll tell you what, why don't we just move the whole thing on to nice things that can happen to bollocks and tits.

Sim H-D said...

:o)

Vicus - it's like ripping off a plaster. Or epilating your legs.

raincoaster said...

Wax on, wax off? I made a remark to that effect once.

In related news, it's astonishing what you can use duct tape for. As long as it doesn't show through the camisole, you're good.

Frontier Editor said...

I just happen to have a true story that's just as strange and potentially more painful than Balkan ball busting.

This comes from working with Navy divers: A Navy salvage diver was performing some work in extremely cold water at the USN sub base in Scotland. After completing his task, he removed his drysuit to find that there was no sign of his testicles. Upon hearing the diver sobbing hysterically that they must have fallen off in his diving suit, a quick-thinking corpsman grabbed the diver by the shoulders and administered an uppercut to the lower torso. This resulted in an audible pop and the re-emergence of the diver's undercarriage.

ifneggsu: said diver's combined exclamation of intense testicular pain and extreme relief

raincoaster said...

I'm wondering what kind of life experiences your "quick-thinking corpsman" must have had to prepare him for such a situation.

What exactly DO they teach them in these schools nowadays?

Vicus Scurra said...

RC - it is the standard reaction to any situation in Scotland.

Frontier Editor said...

Vicus,

Please clarify what the standard reaction is: ascending testicles, punching someone in the gut, or some combination of the two?

Vicus Scurra said...

I could tell you, FE, but I would have to punch you in the gut while I did it. Must have Scots genes somewhere.

Frontier Editor said...

I think you've answered my enquiry in a satisfactory manner, since I haven't been waist-deep in Scapa Flow lately.

Ruth said...

Not necessary to catch the tits in a mangle in order to experience a similar pain, simply attend the Breast Check clinic, where one's breasts are flattened between metal plates until they resemble burger patties (in thickness, not colour). Ouch!