Friday, August 25, 2006

Countdown to the election

That blithering idiot Blair calls in on his way back from holiday.

He likes these what he refers to as “surprise visits”. I would rather entertain the grim reaper or Cilla Black (I assume they are not one and the same?) anyday. It is bad enough having the world’s press camped on one’s doorstep at the best of times, but when Tone turns up with his entourage of secretaries, advisors (sic) and security staff, the whole road starts to look as residential as Red Square on May 1st.

He is one of the most insecure people I have ever met, not without cause, I need not add. He is still under the impression that I will lend my influence to his idiotic policies. Quite why no one has told him that I burnt my honorary party membership card when they flung out Mikey Foot for not wearing a tie I will never understand. Unlike Mr Corleone, Mr Blair insists on never being told bad news.

Underlying all of this is his fear that I might back the Tories, so someone must have whispered something to him. His worries are groundless. Cameron has been badgering me, to the extent that my only option was complete honesty. “Fuck off, Dave”, I told him, quite sternly, “I would not back your lot even if you renamed Milton Keynes Milton Guevara, had the royal family shot, appointed Bozza to be Foreign Secretary, introduced an environment tax and declared Britain to be a People’s Republic. If you were to arrange the public execution of Thatcher I might remain neutral, but it will never get better than that.” I suspect that he is incapable of taking no for an answer, and have arranged with BT to have any calls from him to be diverted to the Uri Geller Fanclub hotline.

I am not sure what will happen if and when Blair hands over to Brown. He seems to have a good mind, but is very dull company. No wonder that Tone has kept him in charge of the accounts department all of these years. Brown is a little suspicious of me, stemming from an incident where he blames me for arranging for him to sit next to a very flatulent diplomat from the Philippines at a function some years back.

I sit back and try to concentrate on a repeat of Dallas on the television while Blair attempts to ingratiate himself. By this time, I am hoping that the emetic that I slipped into his Lapsang Souchong is one with a delayed reaction. He asks if I can keep an eye on Denis Healey at the party conference. Den is threatening to sing the Red Flag very loudly throughout Tony’s speech. I say that I will do it, but, of course, will not be party to any such silliness. Watch out for the octogenarian ex-deputy leader being carried out shoulder high by the security staff. You read it here first. I later call Denis, and tell him to hire a small brass band to accompany him, for maximum effect.

12 comments:

jromer said...

i just want someone to go up to Blair as well as Bush and hit them with newspapers over and over again and say, "no! no! no! bad! bad! bad!"
and then take away the keys to their offices.

Vicus Scurra said...

I see you have a masters degree in political history from Harvard, Anna. I am so proud of the accomplishments of my commenters here.

Richard said...

Who was that New Zealander who was briefly in the frame for the leadership post Kinnock/pre Smith? I can't for the life of me remember his name but I do remember bumping into him while getting off a tube train during the time when he had a certain renown and nobody apart from me recognising him.

ziggi said...

Line up Dennis against the wall with Maggie - she only bolloxed the NHS and the Military, whereas he put VAT on sweets and ice-cream - bastard.

Vicus Scurra said...

Bryan Gould, Richard.

tom909 said...

I'm struggling to find humour in a comment about that absolute fucking total twat Blair. So congrats on that one Vicus. I'm with Jromer on this - I'm not sure how effective the newspapers would be though.
As for Brown, rest assured as soon as he feels the surge of power he will automatically assume the role of a total pillock too - he's had lots of practice after all.
The sooner they let me take over at the helm the better it will be for everyone.

Vicus Scurra said...

Thanks Tom, I have forwarded your name to Gordon, in case he ever needs a Minister for Miserable Old Gits.

Richard said...

That's the Jonny. Quite short and slight he was, not leadership material in that respect. Apparently Tone is quite an imposing figure as he's much taller than one expects.

ziggi, the bitch took away my school milk in 1972 thereby condemning all future generations to a life of early onset osteoporosis. She could have given us all a chunk of Cracker Barrel a day instead, at least you could eat it warm.

ziggi said...

there is still free school milk for under 5s you know - it's just that most schools can't be arsed (or don't know how) to claim for it (the cunning Mr Brown makes it tres complicated) - but I do in my school :)

::shines halo::

Pamela Troeppl said...

Vicus, you've cheered my Tommy boy up. Whether that was intentional or not, Gracias!

Kyahgirl said...

you're in no danger of losing your Crabby pants title. Well done.

Dave said...

Re your old pal Tom. I made him (temporarily) vice-captain last week, but he now says he's too busy to read my cricket posts. Can you suggest someone else who might be better pleased by the title (and slip the captain the odd fiver in gratitude?).