Thursday, July 27, 2006

Oral sex

I trust that my loyal readers (aMToNW) are not bored of my reviewing TCM at livescience. If you are, please let me know, and I will ignore you.

One of the items of ‘research’ detailed there is about praying mantids. Every schoolboy knows that these creatures are notorious for their mating habits, in short, the female is wont to devour the male after the sexual act. Billy Brown of some university in New York has this to report: "Males are clearly not complicit, and the act of sexual cannibalism in praying mantids is an example of extreme conflict between the sexes." To you or I this may seem to be a little obvious. He probably gets paid for stuff like this. Either that or his married life is so extraordinarily violent that it is likely that either he or his spouse has spent some time in a penal institution. This all questions the intelligence of the male praying mantid. I of course, have never been devoured after any sexual act. I have managed this by noting that my partner may be a little peckish, and bought her a nice meal beforehand. This is a deterrent to post-coital cannibalism, and is more likely to result in her nodding off with a satisfied smile on her lips. I can only conclude that the praying mantid is thick. I do not think this point of view favours either the Darwinians or the ‘intelligent creationists’, which is quite pleasing as I hate to be the source of controversy. The question is, particularly to the gentlemen, how much risk would you take for a shag? Is there anyone out there who would, or has ever, risked death for a quick legover? Ladies, have you ever had congress with someone so attractive that you could not prevent yourselves from swallowing them whole afterwards?

28 comments:

Mark Gamon said...

I have nothing to add, but I'm looking forward to seeing what the ladies make of this...

Frontier Editor said...

You know, there's great potential for a Monica Lewinsky joke in all this but I, as Mark, want to sit back and watch the feminine mystique in action on this one.

Cherrypie said...

Well it's been so bleeding long, with an appetite like mine, I could probably eat a horse.

Look what I just did. I resisted making any puns of the 'hung like a...' variety.

tom909 said...

Finally we have returned to a subject on which I feel qualified to speak in depth. The praying mantid (I'll put d here, not s, as I'm presuming Vicus has some fucking clever reason for not calling it a mantis like every other fucker does).
So there I am getting all revved up to throw in my 10 pence worth and what does he do - he brings the whole thing right back around to oral sex. And now I'm having fantasies about being eaten alive by Monica Lewinsky - God help us all, as if it's not hot enough already,

Vicus Scurra said...

Yes Tom, I would have spelled it that way. (or spelles it that way) but TCM say:
You may have heard these insects called "praying mantis," but mantis refers to the genus Mantis. "Only some praying mantids belong to the genus Mantis," according to Gary Watkins and Ric Bessin in the University of Kentucky Department of Entomology. "Mantid refers to the entire group."

As if I give a praying fuck.

Vicus Scurra said...

I wonder whether Pavlov is on the staff of livescience?

tom909 said...

Vicus, I'm amazed you go along with Gary Watkins and Ric Bessin. They are well known in the world of entomology as a right pair of twats.

Richard said...

My ex-wife probably could have killed me although I must admit I didn't quantify that particular risk at the time of the indiscretion. I have to say though that had I been her, I would have wanted blood too. She got the house instead.

Vicus, you fail to state exactly what causes your partner's post-coital somnolence. Is it the exertion or the food? Think carefully now.

Richard said...

Did you see how I steered that back to the topic?

Is anyone else having the same trouble posting to blogger as me?

Vicus Scurra said...

Thank you Tom, once every 15 years or so you make me laugh.
Richard. If someone is satisfied then I tend not to want to over-analyse.
And I don't have the same problem in using blogger that you do, unless the problem is "uncontrollable urge to post total tripe". Don't know what to do about that one.

Richard said...

I have to say that I'm disgusted by the paucity of low down filth and smut in this comment section. Vicus has set you up nicely with a complete set of rather apposite words and phrases yet nobody has taken the bait, preferring instead to let the ladies have a go. Tut tut. Mind you, maybe Cherrypie has stunned everyone with her bestial desires.

Mark Gamon said...

Richard - I sympathise. Been there, had that done to me. The last few years, it FELT LIKE being eaten alive. Or eating each other alive, to be more accurate.

I imagine the mantid's emotions at the time of the feast are slightly simpler.

What's the plural of mantid? Mantids? What's the plural of mantis? Mantisses? Mantiddi? Mantissa?

I need to know, dammit. Though I have no idea why. Must be the heat.

Mark Gamon said...

I liked Cherry Pie's joke, by the way. I imagine it's better to be laughing as you're eaten. That way you might give the lady indigestion. Which would only be fair.

tom909 said...

God, the thought of being eaten alive by Cherrypie - I've been horny all afternoon.

Richard said...

Oh, come on. More swallow jokes please.

Carmenzta said...

Got it: A Ms Trellis Of North Wales.

Interesting article. I read somewhere that the male of a species of fruit fly procures a meal or a gift (probly a gift of a meal) for his future mate. Seems like that's what you are doing, Vicus. Smart as a fruit fly, that Vicus.

My point is the following: If you are good, there's no need to pre-feed us. Wink wink. Otherwise, take us to the Chinese all-you-can-eat buffet, ok?

Jack said...

In this heat and with my blood pressure every shag is a risk .. unselfishly its one I'm prepared to take.

Being eaten by Natasha Kaplinsky would be a two fold pleasure because it would at least stop her talking for a while plus I'd like to see the top of her head.

Vicus .. Let me know how much statcounter charge you for the overload of hairy palmed twitchers that arrive at your site due to your post title.

Vicus Scurra said...

Jack - I telephoned statcounter. I told them I was asking about "hairy palmed twitchers". The young lad on the switchboard said "Oh - you mean Jack".

kat said...

In answer to your query, there's no evidence left around to report. You may take that anyway you like.

Cherrypie said...

Mark - I imagine it is mantii

Swallowed by Amazons. Now that's a book you're not likely to find next to Enid Blyton on the library shelf.

Vicus Scurra said...

According to dictionary.com the plural is mantises or mantes. Like testes, then, inappropriate for this pussywhipped species. Dictionary.com also says that mantis and mantid are synomymous, so it looks as if Tom's analysis of Watkins and Bessin may be correct. It is so good to learn, isn't it?
Cherrypie, Mr Ransome was a well known expert on post-coital activities.
I wrote that and then went off to Wikipedia to find out whether there was any basis in fact for my accusation of Mr Ransome. The article on his life is as bizarre as anything I could have made up. Maybe I'll just write for them.

xvawgial - Indonesian amphibian, who eats her mate after sex, and then throws up.

Pamela Troeppl said...

Vicus, you put that (aMToNW) there to simply frighten someone, didn't you? You're a mean one.

Also, Tommy dearest, come here. I'm feeling peckish.

tom909 said...

For the record, and for any statisticians reading this, I have had a woman try to eat me during sex, but never before or after.

Frontier Editor said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Frontier Editor said...

Vicus,

You may have misunderstood my collegues from Kentucky who, when they used the word 'mantid,' were trying unsuccessfully to say the word "mounted."

They were, in fact referring to their collection of mounted mantises or mantii which was on the wall above their mantle next to the 8-point buck from last fall.

(Miss Cellania is going to have my guts for garters after this post, and that will not be a sexually-motivated bit of vivisection and/or cannibalism)

homo escapeons said...

Monica Bellucci is more than welcome..

(oh hi honey...what are ya doing up this late?...oh nothing..just some boring entomology crap..yeah really...OK..I'll be up in a flash)

...to polish off my bones after a night in the matrix of looove! Grrr.

Mark Gamon said...

Tom - TRY to eat you?

What? You stopped them?

tom909 said...

Mark, You know how you have those moments in your life that you will always regret. Self-preservation kicked in - either that or they just didn't like the taste.