As I have mentioned before, I have a strange weakness when it comes to reading detective stories/thrillers/I dunno which genre adequately describes them. I find this odd, given my lifelong support of non-violence (I would not wish you to test me on this by putting me in a room with a baseball bat and Thatcher or Bush) and my exemplary, law-abiding behaviour.

I am similarly drawn to the same type of TV program, but less often satisfied by the result. Over here in the UK at the moment we have a fair few to choose from. An alarming preponderance of utter crap they are too.

The best thing I have seen recently was the 3 part ‘Murphy’s Law’. They have run out of plots from the original books (I trust you all have at least a passing knowledge of the splendid works of Colin Bateman). The latest story was set mostly in Leicester, although none of the filming took place there. I grow weary of seeing the same actors recycled in every major drama, but Mr Nesbit is not without talent, and pretty much ideal for this role.

ITV are showing ‘Rebus’. There are plenty of stories from the books to pinch the plots from, although the books are necessarily more intricate than the films. This is inevitable when you take a 300 page novel down to about 70 minutes of film. What I don’t understand is why they don’t make the episodes spread over two or three weeks and make a better job of it. It is not as if there is a great deal else to replace it with. The main character is played by Ken Stott. I grow weary of seeing the same actors recycled in every major drama. More amusing is his assistant, Sergeant Gormless. She is required to adopt the look that is worn by soap actresses when the closing credits begin, on a regular basis. You know you are getting old when the policemen start to look that stupid.

When I was in America, my niece’s husband was raving about a series called “MI5”. Apparently, the inhabitants of the former colony are too dim to understand the term “Spooks” and would be wondering when Bill Murray was coming in with his gun. I can’t quite take the melodrama in Spooks seriously. This week’s episode featured Robert Glenister. I grow weary of seeing the same actors recycled in every major drama. I am sure that Spooks is aimed at the gay audience. Or some other group whose perspective I do not share.

Continuing to go downhill rapidly is Dalziel and Thicky. I have never read the books. It stars Warren Clarke. I grow weary of seeing the same actors recycled in every major drama. Mr Clarke is a splendid actor who appears in any drivel offered to him. The standard of writing in this series is truly awful, combined with crappy acting and the awful device of explaining background data by means of contrived dialogue between the characters, as you know, Mr Hardacre.

Even worse is the Linley mysteries. The mystery is why they bother. Ace detective fails to detect killer before 3 others are butchered, as in Morse. This series stars Nathaniel Parker. I grow weary of seeing the same actors recycled in every major drama. The books are almost as bad, but quite well written. If you can overcome the awful conceit of having a member of the house of lords serving as a detective inspector at Scotland Yard, that is. For fuck’s sake.

Generally speaking, I prefer American writing and cop series. No, not ‘Murder she wrote’, you utter twat.

At some stage, they will film the novels of Stephen Booth. His hero is neither a social misfit, nor does he have special powers, or a double life as a transsexual Olympic gymnast. Give them a try. (The books, you complete arse, not transsexual Olympic gymnasts [although if that is your bag, so be it]).

Now that you have read all that, you will not have to bother with watching TV for the next 6 weeks, and can concentrate on blogging instead.