I have been a little disturbed by what can only be described as naughtiness by my friends Theodore and Evadne Google whose efforts have led, on more than one occasion, to people coming here looking for a young lady called "Liz", surname "Vicus".

Cursory examination leads me to believe that the woman in question is some sort of porn star.

I would like to take this opportunity to make it clear that, despite numerous requests, I have never taken part in these activities. I am not being judgemental, and wish every success to those who do, but it is not my cup of lubricant. Life is difficult enough being the focus of admiration from the female (and probably most of the male) half of the world's population, without my encouraging it. Unlike Tom, who despite his advanced years, is still somewhat naive when it comes to understanding the machinations of the myopic nymphomaniacs who sometimes pursue him, I do not think that anyone's best interests are served by indulging in private activities on a public forum.

So, nothing that you say will induce me to star in the forthcoming production of "Norse Sex Gods" or what have you. I know this will be an enormous disappointment to you. I am not related to Liz, or anyone else with similar inclinations (although Sharon has her moments).

Have a nice cup of fennel tea and an organic chocolate biscuit.