Tedious, ungrammatical, unoriginal and tasteless crap from someone old enough to know better.
Dear Mr Scurra
I very much enjoyed your email to James Arbuthnot.
The Rt Hon Ann Widdecombe MP
... probably best to delete the description of her that you left in the comment of your previous post, isn't it?
No. I sent her a polite and sincere thank you for her email, but she ain't gonna change me. It is important at the beginning of a relationship to lay down some rules of engagement.
Well, I thought on Friday that she had no sense of humour. But any friend of yours...
Sorry to disappoint you, but she only wants you for your mind.
what sort of a relationship are you wanting to engage in with ms. widdecombe?
I expect to see your blog featured in the 'Tabloid Headline - Featured Publication' bit at the end of next week's HIGNFY, instead of Otter Fancier's Weekly.*Then* I'll be impressed.
Dave. Please complete that sentence.Geoff. You may think that.Zoe. Well, as I said to Betty, I am not going to allow her to browbeat me and then write a book about it.Rol. Did you miss that episode?
Perhaps you've finally met your match. She'll make you cut your hair, go to the gym and convert to Catholicism.
Kaz, you have such a quaint view of the balance of power between the sexes.
I hope we have not witnessed the birth of the Scurra Letters or e-mails. One Henry Root is enough please.
Birdwatcher. The Root letters were frivolous in their intent. Perhaps you have forgotten that.
What's she doing reading James' mail?D'you think he's aware of this?
Is she going to sign your copy of the Celebrity Fat Club DVD?
I've popped back to say that if you move both feet alternately and equally you will stop moving in circles.
Or, Ziggi, you'll find you're doing the harlem shuffle. Neat!
Ziggi. I suspect that Mr Arbuthnot is so in awe of her that he forwarded the correspondence. Let me make it quite clear that I did not begin the correspondence with her.Richard. Your remarks are quite hurtful. I may not be the slim elegant figure that I once was, but I do have feelings you know. Ziggi. Moving in circles. I geddit. Very droll.Arabella! Welcome back. Do you have famous people in Austin?
La-di-frickin-da!By now the strategists at Opus Dei are giddy with relief and the coporally mortificated albino assassin has been recalled.
Have you told Scaryduck that you've had a 100% of real email from Ann Noreen Widdicombe yet? I'm sure he'll be very jealous.
I have now.
She's only after you for her undercover documentary series The woman has her own credit sequence! Beware, Vicus, beware...
She was on local telly this evening being "arrested" for a charity event. As she was carted away, the copper sitting beside her in the car was asked if she was behaving herself. "She's not exactly a 'model' prisoner" was his reply, accompanied by an expression that wasn't really meant for the camera. Priceless.
Rt Hon Ann Widdecombe MP:"What's that Protestant doin' on the telly?"Pope #256 John Ratzenberger: "Standing."Widdecombe:"I can see that! I didn't mean what was on the television set, I meant what programme?"
Why are loathsome British politicians so much more amusing that loathsome U.S. politicians? I mean, I live right outside of Washington, DC, and the whole administration is a bunch of retarded loathsome loons, and none of them could manage to be mildly amusing even if their scabrous offspring were threatened with waterboarding if I didn't laugh. I may loathe the Rt. Hon. Anne Widdecombe or whoever (not that I would know) but I am amused. I have never felt that way about the commander in chief of my fair land (even when he was wearing that flight suit which was pretty darn ridiculous). You don't know how lucky you are.If I ever find anyone who wants your autograph, btw, I'll join the queue. Until them, etc. etc. blah blah blah, yrs. v. v. affectionately and all that.
No, no Foilwoman. Bush is amusing all of the time! However, it's never done intentionally. You've clearly forgotten the time when he was tricked by the fake door. Which of course was made fun of endlessly.His facial expression during that incident is easily one of the most priceless of his presidency.Also, everyone go read my blog. Because it's actually funny right now.
All of Topanga joins me in expressing our absolute pride in, um, you know, your strength of character and stuff. You reallyk know how to take a stand on issues Vic.
*queueing orderly as instructed*(I always appreciate being informed of the rules of engagement when beginning a relationship):-)
You're just embarrassing me now - post something else pleaseLove and KissesYour Annxxx
now isn't that crap - I sign on as Ann and it puts my name - I even filled in the nickname bit - there's no fooling you is there - and now I've messed up you perfect comments.
If this doesn't work, then my name's not Anne Noreen Widdecombe
Not bad, Ziggi, but you did not use the special name she has for me.
And I know he looks like he's auditioning for a dodgy Cream tribute band but he's mine, so fingers off. A girl can only hope.
Ooh, not Ziggi.
Bollocks, I've been spelling me name wrong.
Fuck me, I should have stayed off the absinthe
And it is "Ann" without an e.You drunken trollope.
Just you wait until that drippy gobshite Brown loses his bottle and I'm out the door. I wanted the Chiltern Hundreds but the fuckers in Maidstone wouldn't let me. Anne, Ann, Growbag Annie, none of that shit anymore. I'm phat and phiphty plus lotz. None of that religious stuff anymore either. I'm baaad. Oh my head...
*still queueing patiently*:-)
You can't live off your past glories forever you know. Come on, time for a new post.
((rrring))((rrring))((rrring))"Where the hell could he be?"((rrring))"Oh for fu..."click
GASP!I just laughed so much I knocked my cup of tea over.I'll be coming here again, that's for sure!
OK Vicus, I've just had Aunty Ann on the phone imploring me to use what little influence I may have, to ask you to be just a little more discreet about certain areas of your life.Just a little advice from a good friend here Vicus - you're gonna lose her if you're not a little more careful.
Noticing surnames on Facebook, I did wonder if Tom might be related.Anyway, enough of this nonsense. About time for a fresh post, I think, Mr Scurra.
*queueing patiently; possibly waiting for someone with a sprig of mistletoe to appear in the meantime, but then again possibly not*;-)
oh! it's only just occurred to me - you haven't gone off to the "more exalted circles" now, have you vicus?*sobs*
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