Dear Mr Arbuthnot,
I was shocked, stunned and not a little saddened to learn, courtesy of the BBC television programme “Have I Got News For You”, that Ann Widdecombe has a cat that bears your name.
Would you please assure me and my fellow constituents that we are not going to be subject to an unpleasant news splash in the Sunday People or some such publication in the coming weeks, which would bring opprobrium on the inhabitants of North East Hampshire? I need hardly remind you that this is Jane Austen country. Even when Ms Austen wishes to shock us episodes such as Lydia Bennet’s indiscretion are not explicitly described.
If you were fortunate enough to spare a few minutes away from your busy schedule to view the television programme in question, you would have witnessed Ms Widdecombe calling out “Arbuthnot” in a manner not dissimilar to that used by the heroines in the genre commonly referred to (but not in North East Hampshire) as “bodice rippers”. I had to set aside the organic vegan eccles cake that I had been enjoying up to that point, and urgently have a little lie down.
I shall be posting this missive on the Kingsley web log, and on my own much more widely read (it has one reader) web journal.
I look forward to your urgent and completely rebuttal of any inferences that may be drawn from this serious and disappointing revelation.
Yours eagerly, (although not in the Widdecombe sense)
V. Scurra.
I am pleased to report that I received this reply:Dear Mr Scurra,
I am sorry, but I can give you no such assurance. Ann Widdecombe (I am not sure I share your courage in calling her “Ms”) and I have been in discussions about this cat for some years now, and she keeps me regularly updated about its progress, but I have never met it, and I cannot answer for its behaviour. If, for example, it were found doing awful things in the bushes with neighbouring females, or began to slaughter all the nearby wildlife, I would have to bear the reflected publicity with such fortitude as I could muster.
Or perhaps you were suggesting something more? Again, I am not sure I share your courage.
Yours sincerely,
Let this be a warning to all of you young Che Guevaras and Reg Pithers out there. Do not get close to your political opponents, you might find yourself getting to like them.
13 comments:
I hope he makes a better cat than George Galloway.
My word!
It is my understanding that Mr Arbuthnot has a cat named Jane Austen Powers.
This unpleasantness has gotten completely out of hand.
It's all so ghastly and pedestrian.
I should think that your good deeds will not go unrewarded in the next life.
I did see the television programme in question, but assumed you were making up the MP reference, until I happened across the Right Hon. James Arbuthnot MP.
I suspect, to be fair, that Miss Widdicombe has named her cat after John Arbuthnot, the Scottish scholar who translated Huygens' tract on probability in 1692 (the first work on probability published in English). You can see, just by looking at her, that she enjoys a game of chance.
I should list the characters for our oversees audience. (A Mrs Trellis of North Ecuador).
"Have I Got News For You". Satirical news quiz - one of the best things on TV in the UK.
Ann Widdecombe - right wing frump, devoid of sense of humour, think of Shrek's ugly sister. Former shadow minister for fascism in the UK parliament.
Arbuthnot. The cat belonging to Ann.
James Arbuthnot. My member of parliament.
Dave. You are very silly.
One ex-mp for around these parts from 1950 until '74 was the late Dear Bill Deedsh himself. For a Tory and editor of the Telegraph he was an unusually good bloke. And unlike most Tory MPs, grew up and lived in and around his constituency for his entire life. They do exist.
You don't want to know what I named my cat.
Pamela. In soccer parlance, "You knock them over and I head them in".
I bet that, following the political theme, you have named him after your president. When you venture out into your yard every evening, calling his name, you are greeted by a chorus of male neighbours all shouting "For the five hundredth time, lady, no fucking thanks!".
This is so easy.
vicus darling.... I still adore you despite your comment.
hehehehe
I have to say I never for one moment imagined Anne Widdecombe would ever, ever, ever, make me horny. But when she calls her cat, my oh my, I'm beside myself! Isn't she just beautiful!!!
I love her.
And Pammy, you are the sexiest babe in the whole of Blogland, and you know it!
Tom. Everything makes you horny. I could go on to say, following the Derek and Clive theme, apart from your missus, but that would be unkind. But please stop trying to pretend to be younger by adopting styles of speech from younger people. To refer to someone as "babe" is less than courteous, but coming from some geriatric, wheezing incontinent makes it doubly unattractive. Stop thinking about sex would be my advice. You drool enough already.
Well, that's my best friend dealt with, now for the rest of humanity.
Vicus, so you're saying I should totally empty my mind, yeah?
organic vegan eccles cakes?
my my, no wonder you are who you are
or is it the other way around. . .
:-)
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