Tuesday, November 20, 2007

60 glorious years of opening kindergartens.

Take me now, Philip, I'm melting!

Crowds waited in silence outside the Palace, hoping to hear the royal orgasm.

Elizabeth was less than pleased to discover that he had used their wedding certificate to collect the autographs of the Tiller Girls.

I wish Batman or whoever the fuck he is would get a bloody move on, I keep thinking I'm a chess piece.

Bill had not yet noticed that the reading he was giving was not from the Bible, but from Oliver Cromwell's diary. Camilla would regret her little jape later.

"You can't possibly think that Clapton is a better guitarist than Santana, you silly mare!"
"Sixty fucking years, and you still don't realise who is the head of state round here, you lanky streak of piss. Watch your lip, or you'll be spending your twilight years in a nursing home in Salford."

You just can't go anywhere without nicking something can you? What are you going to do with that? As if we don't have enough bollocky pamphlets as it is. "Welcome to Llandudno" and all of that shit. Where are you going to keep it? We don't live in a fucking palace you know.

23 comments:

tom909 said...

Top post Vicus, you actually made me lmao.
I do so wish you had a little more respect for our Queen - she was a hot babe in her day, but I have to say, she never, ever, made me horny.

Betty said...

"Our Queen ... was a hot babe in her day". I look forward to Tom's next post, "Bad Acid Experiences Part 392, The 1977 Royal Silver Jubilee".

homo escapeons said...

Queen Elizabeth the Second,
by the Grace of God,
was only 13 when she married her husband Prince Philip Mountbatten née Schleswig-Holstein-Sonderburg-Glücksburg-Hinddenburg.

Elizabeth fell in love with him at Runnymede in 1915 where her Grandfather, King John, signed the Magna Carta.

The very next day she began writing to Philip, whose Mother was last German Emperor and King of Prussia, when he was the chief cook and bottle washer on Das Boot U-219.

Philip made lunch for the German officers after their decisive victory at the Battle of Hastings in 1966.

The day before his marriage, Elizabeth's father, Henry VIII, granted him the comic stylings of being His Royal Highness and created him Duke, Duke, Duke, Duke of Earl, Earl of Merriment, and
Baron Greenwich Mean Time.

Here is to another 60!

Hail Encyclopedia Brittanica!

I, like the view said...

so who was the better guitarist? Clapton or Santana?

granny said...

Oh dear - 3 kids here have just been fined 2,700 euros for tearing up a photo of their own dear king/queen. So what shall we fine you, dear Vicus. (Before I melt just from laughing.)

john.g. said...

Good one Vicus!!

Santana by a mile!

Murph said...

You'd miss them if they weren't there! Only because we'd all be £1550 better off.

(PS Clapton is God)

Richard said...

I saw you at the Abbey, don't come it.

Reg Pither said...

The diamond-encrusted couple have apparently gone to Malta to reprise their honeymoon - and where is the fucking Luftwaffe when you actually want it??!!? It's political correctness gone mad!

Pamela said...

vicus darling, you are truly something else.

When I figure out what that is, I'll be sure to let you know.

Dave said...

And all done in the best possible taste.

Vicus Scurra said...

Tom. Everybody makes you horny. And they are all disappointed.
Betty. Princess Anne's wedding was even more bizarre. I can say no more.
HE. Your erudition is gratefully received.
I,LTV. I leave that sort of debate to those more laddish than I.
Granny. I am already fine, thank you for asking.
John. I could not possibly comment.
Murph. I wouldn't miss them with a catapult, though.
Richard. I saw you at the Abbey too, and I don't think anyone has ever done what you were doing during the Lord's prayer in that location.
Reg. The Luftwaffe would not be party to the obliteration of family members.
Pam. I await in frenzy.
Dave. Do you have a problem with that?

ziggi said...

I never realised that Mountbatten of Burma was a tiller girl - you learn such a lot here, amazing.

it is difficult to chose between Clapton and Santana so as no-one else wants him can I have Jimmy Page?

Vicus Scurra said...

Ziggi, in that case you will also have missed his performance as Lolita.
And no.

Dyna Girl said...

My most favorite post yet. :)

Rimshot said...

"you lanky streak of piss"

I must find a way to work that into a conversation.


And in answer to I,LTV: Clapton is the better of the two. This is fact and, as such, irrefutable.

Vicus Scurra said...

Dyna, and that was my favourite comment.
Rimshot. Thank you. It is an ancient British greeting. Mr Hoskins used a slight variation in the greatest ever gangster movie. Something like "you long streak of paralysed piss". Scurra - dispenser of culture to the rest of the world.

Richard said...

Needs must and everyone had their eyes closed.

I, like the view said...

. . .the greatest ever gangster movie. . .

if I smile sweetly, will you educate me, please vicus?

(actually, I can't quite believe that you wrote "movie"; but less of my cheek, eh!)

Richard said...

I,LTV, do you not know your gangster movies starring Bob Hoskins and Dame Helen?

Clue: It's not Roger Rabbit.

Malc said...

'Hot babe'? Cripes! Is that allowed?

Jimmy Page. . . and latterly Johnny Marr.

Vicus Scurra said...

Malc, I cannot keep tally of the number of times I have had to remind Tom to have more respect for the monarchy. I apologise on his behalf.

Boz said...

That reminds me: Must buy stamps!

Outstanding post. Take ten republic points,