Friday, May 30, 2008

World population increases by 100

"George, you prize anus, I told you not to light that fire."

The mass media are reporting a “lost” tribe in Brazil being found. I regret the use of “lost”. I wonder how much their lives will be improved now that they have been “found”. Some twat will teach them English so that they can watch “The Price is Right” or “The Jeremy Kyle Show”. Some twat will try to get them to mortgage the fine dwelling we see in the picture. Some twat will introduce diseases they had never come across. Some twat will make an intrusive documentary about them. There are already queues of double glazing salesmen, Jehovah’s Witnesses and canvassers for New Labour on their way to irritate the crap out of them. Some twat will sign them up for broadband (at least I might get some interested readers here). They are, to use an anthropological term, fucked.

Welcome, brothers and sisters, to the great mass of humanity. Fucking up the planet faster than George Bush can talk bollocks.

I hope those nosy bastards at NASA don’t catch any Martians. They all moved to the other end of the planet when they saw the launch of the latest mission. They all have a morbid fear of that arsehole Frost asking “who lives on a planet like this?”.


Leni Qinan said...

Right Vicus, a pity but these guys are doomed to civilisation. What else could happen to those happy noble savages living in the same planet as the white men? I hope the little green men have a secret hideaway. :(

Geoff said...

I saw them on the telly, with their maps and quizzical expressions. They were only pretending to be lost so some satnav company would take pity on them.

MJ said...

They can be guests on the Austrian dungeon girl's talk show.

zoe said...

And I bet that there is a huge bunch of twats wanting to introduce them to the oh so wonderful world of bloody sheds.

Vicus Scurra said...

Zoe, you cross-eyed twit, if you studied the photograph you would see the splendid shed that is the centre of a successful community.

Dave said...

Do they have a blog?

ziggi said...

George looks like he was caught in the flames.

Donn said...

Correct me if I am wrong, but didn't they say that the Anthropologists found the tribe watching the season finale of LOST.

MJ is right, I guess we'll just have to watch the Kellermädchen show to find week she is interviewing Boris Johnson about his plans to turn the Greater London Area into a giant replica of Berlin in 1945, and Randy Prince Andy talks about his efforts to start a Trust that will protect the sexual athletes of the Animal Kingdom like Bonobos, Mink, and Belgian Lops..

zoe said...

Belgian Lops should not be scorned at. They are lovely animals.

I, like the view, still said...

Three little maids from school are we
Pert as a school-girl well can be
Filled to the brim with girlish glee
Three little maids from school

Everything is a source of fun
Nobody's safe, for we care for none
Life is a joke that's just begun
Three little maids from school

Three little maids who, all unwary
Come from a ladies' seminary
Freed from its genius tutelary
Three little maids from school
Three little maids from school

One little maid is a bride, Yum-Yum
Two little maids in attendance come
Three little maids is the total sum
Three little maids from school
Three little maids from school

From three little maids take one away
Two little maids remain, and they
Won't have to wait very long, they say
Three little maids from school
Three little maids from school

Three little maids who, all unwary
Come from a ladies' seminary
Freed from its genius tutelary
Three little maids from school
Three little maids from school

erm, that'll be me. . . (for pert and full of glee, I surely am)

. . .you, dear sweet vicus and dave?

I, like the view, still said...

. . .see, you did ask for that; if it'd been left up to me, I'd have been siging you this:

Incomprehensible as her utterances are, I nevertheless feel
that they are dictated by a sincere regard for me. But to what
new misery is she referring? Time alone can tell!

(from "Patience")

tom909 said...

You gotta smile at ILTV haven't you. Come on Vicus, show her some affection, please, it's killing me the way you ignore her!
Oh yes, the tribe - I think it's only fair that we share all the advantages of modern life with these people who are but no more than savages. Come on Vicus - what happened to the English - when we were kids we were quite rightly informed that the British people were God's chosen race, and that her majesty was truly truly someone very special indeed. Don't you think it's only fair that they know about our gracious queen. Don't you think it's only fair that they have the chance to study the Holy Bible and make some sense of their lives. Fuck it, I had to wade through all that shit I don't see why they shouldn't.

I, like the view, still said...

(tom909, the trick is not to hold your breath while you're being ignored)(and, I do have to tell you - vicus did actually ask me to sing him that, but he didn't say he'd join in or that I'd get a round of applause)

back on topic, what about the palm oil pantations in the tropical forests of Indonesia and Malaysia, for C21st madness?

Vicus Scurra said...

ILTV. I was trying to join in but got caught in the costume. Decency demands that I do not go into further details.
It is heart warming to know that you are here to entertain the visitors while I am preoccupied. Perhaps you could sing the Queen of the Night aria next?
Tom. Please do not come between us. You remember what happened the last time.
Donn. I will correct you when you are wrong. So far, you have not been.

I, like the view, still said...

I do hope you've sorted yourself out from your stockings and magic knickers now. . .

if not, just hobble out of the dressing room and stand in the wings, while I oblige you with your next request

I've only seen The Magic Flute once, and sadly it was at the ENO (opera's not quite the same when sung in the Queen's English I find); I'd rather play the tune on my recorder to bit that goes "Fi-ga-ro Fi-ga-ro Figaro etc", but since you insist on my singing, I'll inform you can actually reach the top notes quite easily, despite my usual dulcet tones

so imagine me joining in with the good lady as follows:

(I do bear a remarkable resemblance to the Mutter in this production, I'll have you know)

Vicus Scurra said...

ILTV. I am more than obliged. In the words of Pete and Dud, it gave me the horn. I think she might be a little on the tightly coiled side though, what do you think?
Here is the link for those too idle to copy and paste it:

ITV as the Queen

(I will overlook the fact that the Figaro bit is from the Barber of Seville.)
Please feel free to attempt to introduce culture to the philistines who lurk on these pages.
I read the last line in the Tim Brooke-Taylor falsetto as "I'll have you now..." etc.

Dave said...

I didn't understand a word of that song. Clearly it wasn't by G&S.

I, like the view, still said...

ha! I knew you'd pick me up on that (couldn't remember where I'd heard it, so thought I'd tap into the cultural resources available)

there is nothing wrong with tightly coiled, if one had a robust mechanism or doesn't mind unwinding every now and again

and as for TB-T, I never liked the Funky Gibbon, but do like String

dinahmow said...

And some silly bugger will teach them to play cricket.