Tuesday, December 09, 2008

Black and white and crap all over.

There is so much in the Torygraph today that needs explanation and clarification. I will attempt to be brief. And fail.

“Young women 'have more sexual partners' than men”. They clarify this in the first phrase of the text – “Young women are more promiscuous than men”. So, just to reiterate, my good friends are not implying that women are engaging in thrusting and moaning activities with partners other than males of their own species. That sort of thing will never be reported in the Torygraph (but will probably be discussed in unnecessary detail in the comments section, Tom; my fault for making it the first item). I did not read the article, not having had my breakfast yet, but I expect it goes on to suggest that some young ladies are no longer virgins when they marry, and may have had carnal knowledge of more than one chap. It really does not bear thinking about.

“Cigarettes to be sold 'under the counter'”. This is a very kind seasonal gesture to the pathetic nicotine addicts that one sometimes encounters (seldom in North East Hampshire, of course). Having had their growth stunted by this senseless indulgence in narcotics, they find it impossible to reach over the counters of shops to avail themselves of said product. Staff are being trained to operate little hatches for the customers, who no longer need to feel embarrassed. It is also good news for the other group of undersized Player’s No 6 purchasers, i.e. primary school children. It is educationally valid to engage them in commercial activity and familiarise them with market forces. You will all now understand why you see the shop assistants in your local tobacconist crawling around on their knees.

“'Jesus was born in June', astronomers claim”. Don’t be so damned silly. The Carol singers from St. Elvis’s turn up on my doorstep on 22nd December. I trust them far more than I trust Patrick Moore and his voyeuristic cabal of assorted loonies. I shall continue to not celebrate Christmas with gusto on December 25th. I am not going to not celebrate it in June as well.

“'Nagging' wife to thank for lottery win”. A New Zealand man was driven out of his armchair by a typical antipodean harridan (where is that Morphy woman these days?) and, as a result won £2.8 million. I hope that, in the festive spirit, he forgave her and slipped her a couple of hundred quid. After all, he now has more than enough money to buy New Zealand.

“Machu Picchu was not so lost after all”. Some pile of old rocks may have been found before the chap, of whom I had never heard, normally credited with discovering them got there. Bollocks. I have rocks in my back garden. I don’t know why. They are not interesting. There is a “famous” pile of old rocks down the road, Andover way. They do fuck all, and could do with a lick of paint.

“Words associated with Christianity and British history taken out of children's dictionary”. Various Torygraph consultants (Pitt the Elder, the Black Prince etc) are up in arms about words like “Bishop” being left out and words like “Broadband” being included in ‘The Oxford Junior Dictionary’. Later editions enlisted the opinion of a Junior who said “I ent reedin it, innit? Lol”.

I should like to thank two of my correspondents who have been kind enough to send christmas cards. I am particularly obliged to the wise man from the east who took the trouble to explain that the picture on the front was berries surrounded by glitter, and not a bunch of bright red testicles in sugar as I had at first imagined. The second card arrived this morning. It depicts Santa picking his nose. I think that I am in love.

47 comments:

Dave said...

I really must take more time picking your card next year.

Dave said...

Oh, and I was warned that I should not use the word 'glitter' any longer, as it may cause visits from Mr and Mrs Google's strange friends.

I, Like The View said...

you lost me when you mentioned the extent to which you trust Patrick Moore

(Patrick and I, as I'm sure you know, go way back and I can vouch for him)(or course, the depth of that part of my comment depends on whether you can vouch for me)

you found me again when you mentioned you think are in love

MJ said...

You found me when you mentioned bright red testicles in sugar.

I'm going into the kitchen now to whip some up!

Richard said...

You are not going to not celebrate it in June?

I haven't sent a card yet.

Vicus Scurra said...

Dave, do not trouble yourself, I will find fault with whatever you select, and, yes, you can be in my gang.
ILTV. There isn't much scope for getting lost here, really.
MJ. They are so red that they look as if they have already been whipped.
Richard. Pay attention.

Richard said...

Yes.

Donn Coppens said...

What an insightful regurgitation of wisdom.
If you will excuse me I shall dispense with my normal rendition of pleasantries and address the matters in hand.
A. Of course young ladies take on a vast array of volunteers to experiment in the act of frightfulness. It stands to reason that having spent a dozen years being stimulated into a frenzy by the horn atop their steed that they are rendered insatiably horny and require many sexual encounters in order to catch up to their heightened state of arousal.

B. In an ingenious display of business acumen my local Grocer, of noble Belgian descent no less, dispensed cigarettes to all the young lads on their way to school...much like the Army did with all the brave lads on their way to keep China, British.

C. I will ask Jesus when his birthday is during the Rapture.

D. Unfortunately, having now won the Lottery, that poor Kiwi layabout now has too much to lose and can no longer afford to get divorced.
Be careful what you wish for.

E. Rocks Schmocks. The discovery of that old stuff is getting old. Can't they find any new sh*t? That would be kewl!

F. I concur with your lack of interest regarding anything related to young people. They are convinced that they know everything so why the hell would they ever consider using a Dictionary?
I say raise the legal age of majority to 50 and be done with it.

moreidlethoughts said...

The Torygraph is not available in this outpost of empire so I rather enjoy popping across to your comments box. (But only occasionally;like rich food, too much can be deleterious.)

Ooh! WV is bries
Anyone out there get chablis?

Zed said...

Christmas card. Yes. I'll get onto it.

You read the Torygraph in far too much detail and Donn replies in far too much detail. I think I need my caffeïne fix. I've been up half the night.

Dave said...

Your festive seasonal message has just dropped onto my mat.

It wil have pride of place next to the throne.

Vicus Scurra said...

Dinah. You can read the Torygraph online. You don't have to pay them. I certainly don't.

For the benefit of those not familiar with the vernacular, I should explain that when Dave refers to his throne, he means his toilet. He is NOT an old queen.

Donn Coppens said...

Dear Zed,
My proclivity towards deleterious verbosity may be tedious and worrisome, but I can assure you that it is merely a byproduct of youthful exuberance.

Mr Scurra is easily the most important writer in the blogosphere and I find myslf unable to corral the cascade of thoughts provoked from his work.

My apologies to one and all..I shall try to contain myself. Hence forth my replies will appear as follows..

Donn Coppens said...

Ha Ha Ha
Good one!

Zed said...

Donn, that is a remarkable improvement. The prose used in such a short comment is to be commended. Thank you, I feel less troubled now.

Donn Coppens said...

Point well taken.

Vicus Scurra said...

What in the name of buggery is going on here?
Some bloody Belgian bombast barges in and tells people how to construct their comments. Bloody cheek. Who does she bloody think that she is?
Donn, feel free to write whatever you like, how ever much you like and whenever you like here. Don't be bullied by old crabby drawers.

MJ said...

We should all consider ourselves lucky that Donn is still with us after his recent experience under the knife.

Rave on, Donn.

Vicus Scurra said...

Under the wife? Oh, knife. That's alright then.

Zed said...

I'm Zoe, that's who I am. I think Donn comes across as a charming gentleman - unlike yourself, Scurra. Do not that there are no crabs in my drawers - just pants and socks.

Richard said...

I too have received your card, itt arrived along with my Private Eye. I would put it on my mantlepiece except I don't have one. This means I will have to invest in one of those festive card display apparata else buy some string. I could mjust leave it in the newspaper rack with the other junk mail. Choices, choices.

Julian Meteor said...

Richard, stop talking crap!!!!!! We're watching a cyber bitch fight unravel!!!!!!!!
lmao
Only joking Dickie, LOVE you man (NOT in a gay way!!!!!!!!! ROFL)

Vicus Scurra said...

Zoe. You apparently know who you are.
Now all that you have to learn is your place.

Zed said...

My place is here, old man. And you have that Meteor person visiting now. You're definitely climbing the social ladder.

Vicus Scurra said...

I suspect that I am climbing down, however.

Zed said...

Don't you do sarcasm anymore?

Vicus Scurra said...

Of course not, Zoe, how would you all feel if I did not bend over backwards to make you all comfortable and relaxed?
I see this blog as a refuge for the confused and helpless. Perhaps you would like to stand at the entrance and offer the visitors a refreshing cup of organic nettle and feverfew tea?

Zed said...

Probably because I don't "do" organic. By the way, old chap, thanks for the christmas card. I thought you may like to know that I, too, received mine today. Signed and everything.

Julian Meteor said...

I am NOt falling for this.
you two are SO bezzies lol

Vicus Scurra said...

That was quick. Only posted it on Monday. Are you sure that you live in Belgium?

Julian Meteor said...

No, Plymouth

Zed said...

I did this morning, Vicus.

Richard said...

Meteor, Mummy's home and she's got spaghetti on toast. Be a good boy now.

Donn Coppens said...

My Word!
No need to concern yourself with my countenance, none taken...
or is that Nun taken?

I wonder if I might be so bold as to mention that my DNA is 50% Belgian?
Flemish anyone?

Zed said...

Eine kleine beetje, Donn, ja.

Donn Coppens said...

Hmmm?

Me glad meet nice Lady
*press enter Babel Fish faux Polyglot Impersonator Program 5.0 searching standard Euro Greeting Program...

Je suis enchanté pour avoir fait votre connaissance...
Me encantan para haber hecho su conocido...
Allo-allo-allo, wot 'av we got here then...
Ich werde erfreut, Ihre Bekanntschaft gebildet zu haben...
Ik heb het genoegen om uw kennis gemaakt te hebben

Am I getting warm?

Zed said...

Nee.... mar je ben close.
Ik drie kinderen hebben en dey me helpen. Ik kan spreck ein klein beetje vlaamse mar écrit? Niet wel.

En dat is mijn vlaamse....

Warmer?

Donn Coppens said...

Much better!
If I might repond to your question concerning inflation, it is my understanding that supply-siders called for indexed marginal income tax rates, as monetary inflation had pushed wage earners into higher marginal income tax brackets that remained static..
oh wait a second..
this confounded contraption is stuck on Portuguese..

f l e m g i a n *click
Oh silly me, I see what you're saying!

I have four children but they are of no use whatsoever with mijn vlaamse!
Kids these days pfft!
What are ya gonna do?

Zed said...

je vlaamse ben crap. Ik heb DRIE kinderen, niet veer. Het verdoome - alles lost. Je heb geen idee van dis twaaling of something.

En ik denk het dat Vicus ben allemaal lost.

Nee?

Vicus Scurra said...

No, Zoe, I have no interest in what you are saying. As ever.

Donn Coppens said...

There he is!
I'd love to stay and chat all day but it's time to rub some lard on the Cat's boil.

Toodaloo.

MJ said...

I'd like to give Vicus a hot lard rubdown.

Zed said...

Tot morgen, Donn!

As ever, Vicus.

MJ, I think you have a problem.

Julian Meteor said...

LOL!!!!!!!!!
Join the Q!!!!!!
She is a HONEY

zIggI said...

Stonehenge? HA! It's crap and never sadly been lost.

What do you have to do to be worthy of a card round here eh? I read your words of wisdom, agree with everything you say always and forever, and think you are the best looking blogger out of all the bloggers I know.

If you change you're mind I'd be happy with Visa or Mastercard, thank you in anticipation. X

Vicus Scurra said...

Ziggi. You have to let me know where to send it to. BECAUSE IT'S A CARD. You can find my email address on the profile page. That's all you have to do. I am always grateful for a chance to show off, no matter how disappointed the audience is.

Julian Meteor said...

Someone sent me an Owl card once.

I was NOT happy.