Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Well, if Murray says it is alright

At the risk of being over productive in my blog writing activities, I am taking this opportunity to introduce you to Joe’s new blog. Please go over there and make him feel welcome, before he wanders off and finds friends of his own age. Adam, as you well know, has removed himself to the middle of the Pacific Ocean in order to escape us, and so Joe is the one keeping the average age of readers of this nonsense to under 85.

Joe, let me offer reciprocal introductions to some of the wacky characters here. What a zany bunch they are indeed! Gosh, the stories I could tell.

Pam. Mother of 17 (i.e. she has 17 children, she is slightly older than 17!). As your mother claims to be too preoccupied to write a blog of her own or set up a facebook account, then Pam will, from time to time, her lascivious hobbies permitting, remind you to tidy your room, eat properly and change your underwear. Let me clarify that. She will remind you to do those things. I should have said “She will remind you to tidy your room, remind you to eat properly and remind you to change your underwear.” I had no intention of implying any other meaning when I wrote that.

Dave. International bon viveur, profligate lecher and drug-runner. He is to Norfolk what the Genovese family are to New York.
Tom. Pillar of the community, firmly pro-establishment and uncompromising in his firm moral stance. A little on the serious side, but did crack a joke in 1987.
Betty and Geoff. A sweet couple – the Terry and June of the home counties. They can always be relied upon to share their sweetness and rosy world view. Sometimes they are a little too kind in their assessment of contemporary issues and figures, but you just can’t help loving them.
ILTV. A very dear friend. She is also the mother of a tall child, so will be conversant with the disadvantages that attend this hideous disfigurement.
MJ. Filthy tart. She will try to get you to send her pictures of your naughty bits. Do not be persuaded by her beguiling manner. I see it as my mission, through tough, firm yet loving methods, to reform her.
Zoe. The most famous blogger in the universe - harridan, bully and oppressor of her family. Stand firm against her imprecations. Has anyone stood firm against your imprecations, missus?
Donn. I have no idea who he is. And neither does he.
Kaz. Quite alert for her age. A contemporary of the Brontes, so she will be of help with your essays.
Richard. Luddite who occasionally stumbles across an internet connection and appears here. Take whatever he says very seriously.
Willie. He takes up the slack when I am too busy to devote my full attention to this site. Extraordinarily reliable on almost all matters, except perhaps musicals.
Boris. Only comments here anonymously, and I have to delete his rantings, After all, I cannot be expected to tolerate someone calling me, for example, a “pasty-faced arsehole” on my own blog, can I? You can, however, go and write whatever you like on his blog, no matter how silly, ill-informed and irrelevant – after all, he does.
(That’s enough idiots – Ed.)
As you can see, my introductions have been curtailed. There are lots of other lovely folk you can find in the blog listing,and I apologise to them for not having had space to effect personal introductions. I suspect that it will not do you too much harm to make up your own mind about some of them.


Now, all of you, after you have been to visit Joe and dispensed whatever wisdom you may have to hand, can I remind you that our dear friend Duck has a seasonal story to tell (this may not be suitable for those of a Christian disposition).


JPatrick said...

Pasty-faced arsehole

Dave said...

A very accurate summation.

Rol said...

I am most hurt to be left out of any list of idiots.

Vicus Scurra said...

Joe. Meet Rol. He is an idiot.

JPatrick said...

Hi Rol, you idiot (he told me to say it), pleased to meet you.

Vicus Scurra said...

"He told me to say it"
"Miss, he told me to say it"
Go and insult a stranger at random, and don't tell them that I sent you.
Boris is always good for that sort of thing. He wrote a little article today complaining about driving a member of his family to Heathrow and being held up in traffic by 2 trillion other fuckwits doing the same thing instead of taking public transport. Shame he isn't in a position to do something about it.

KAZ said...

I can only help with essays if I have your pedantic pre-advice previously.

tom909 said...

Vicus, I read Jo's blog - far too opinionated for me I'm afraid. But hopefully, like you, he will mellow over time.

Vicus Scurra said...

Kaz. In response to Joe's request, I have set him a little essay topic. Perhaps you can lend advice after you've seen his first effort.
Tom. I am glad that you made that comment here and not on his page, where he is more likely to see it. It behoves us to encourage new talent in the world of blogging, to nurture and encourage, even when it is obvious that the composer is never going to produce anything other than the type of third rate shite that you and I spew out habitually.

Zed said...

Nobody should read this pile of shite - I don't so nor should any of you.

Vicus Scurra said...

Zoe! You tease. We all know that you dive in here at every opportunity, and use the words as bed time stories for your lovely children.

I, Like The View said...

is it too early to wish you a Merry Christmas?

Donn Coppens said...

OK I went over and graciously offered some FREE life altering advice...
now then, where's my Coke and Chocolate Bar?

MJ said...

Your card finally made it to The Colonies and not only must I thank you for splashing out on international postage, I thank you for including a photo of you nekkid in a Santa hat.

You really are a very special man.

Unlike Joe, who has yet to send me a photo of his bare bottom.

Vicus Scurra said...

ILTV. Yes.
Donn. Deduce your answer from my answer to ILTV.
MJ. I fear you will have to pay Joe for pictures of him naked. I had to give him £2. That is about 27,000 of your Canadian dollars.

Pamela said...

Dear vicus, I can't hardly keep up with your blog, let alone any others. But because I value our friendship and hope some day to grow up and be just like you, without all the cussing and crazy hair, I'll go visit.