Joe, let me offer reciprocal introductions to some of the wacky characters here. What a zany bunch they are indeed! Gosh, the stories I could tell.
Pam. Mother of 17 (i.e. she has 17 children, she is slightly older than 17!). As your mother claims to be too preoccupied to write a blog of her own or set up a facebook account, then Pam will, from time to time, her lascivious hobbies permitting, remind you to tidy your room, eat properly and change your underwear. Let me clarify that. She will remind you to do those things. I should have said “She will remind you to tidy your room, remind you to eat properly and remind you to change your underwear.” I had no intention of implying any other meaning when I wrote that.
Dave. International bon viveur, profligate lecher and drug-runner. He is to Norfolk what the Genovese family are to New York.
Tom. Pillar of the community, firmly pro-establishment and uncompromising in his firm moral stance. A little on the serious side, but did crack a joke in 1987.
Betty and Geoff. A sweet couple – the Terry and June of the home counties. They can always be relied upon to share their sweetness and rosy world view. Sometimes they are a little too kind in their assessment of contemporary issues and figures, but you just can’t help loving them.
ILTV. A very dear friend. She is also the mother of a tall child, so will be conversant with the disadvantages that attend this hideous disfigurement.
MJ. Filthy tart. She will try to get you to send her pictures of your naughty bits. Do not be persuaded by her beguiling manner. I see it as my mission, through tough, firm yet loving methods, to reform her.
Zoe. The most famous blogger in the universe - harridan, bully and oppressor of her family. Stand firm against her imprecations. Has anyone stood firm against your imprecations, missus?
Donn. I have no idea who he is. And neither does he.
Kaz. Quite alert for her age. A contemporary of the Brontes, so she will be of help with your essays.
Richard. Luddite who occasionally stumbles across an internet connection and appears here. Take whatever he says very seriously.
Willie. He takes up the slack when I am too busy to devote my full attention to this site. Extraordinarily reliable on almost all matters, except perhaps musicals.
Boris. Only comments here anonymously, and I have to delete his rantings, After all, I cannot be expected to tolerate someone calling me, for example, a “pasty-faced arsehole” on my own blog, can I? You can, however, go and write whatever you like on his blog, no matter how silly, ill-informed and irrelevant – after all, he does.
(That’s enough idiots – Ed.)
As you can see, my introductions have been curtailed. There are lots of other lovely folk you can find in the blog listing,and I apologise to them for not having had space to effect personal introductions. I suspect that it will not do you too much harm to make up your own mind about some of them.
Now, all of you, after you have been to visit Joe and dispensed whatever wisdom you may have to hand, can I remind you that our dear friend Duck has a seasonal story to tell (this may not be suitable for those of a Christian disposition).