Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Another post, worth Waiteing for (geddit?)

Mr Terry Waite, a man so annoying that his boss sent him away to be kidnapped for five years rather than put up with his babbling, features in an article in the torygraph today where he says that he prefers the quiet contemplation of a Quaker meeting to an Anglican service.

He objects to all the standing up and sitting down, and the attempts of modern clergy to modernise the message. I am reliably informed that in almost all Anglican churches, the service has not changed at all in 400 years. It is only when the grinning bulk of Waite is seen approaching that the authorities devise some improvised nonsense in order to discourage his attendance.

It has long been the unwritten policy of the c of e to drive away unwanted members of the congregation, and this explains the wide variety of different sects that exist within the protestant church in this country.

John Wesley had the unfortunate habit of breaking wind violently at his church of St Elton’s in Oxford, and because his fellow worshippers recognised that he was a bit of a gloomy sod, took to singing bawdy songs in place of hymns. Thus was Methodism born.

The founding members of the Salvation Army were a disparate bunch of tone-deaf worshippers, whose raucous and ear-splitting rendition of hymns ancient and modern caused their friends and family to devise a plan whereby the roof sprang a leak whenever music was called for. The music of the early Salvationists was so appalling that even their own congregation could not stand it, hence the tradition of taking the noise outside and irritating the shit out of everyone else.

The founding of most sects and religions can be seen to have underlying causes of a similar nature. The Egyptians got so pissed off with Moses, that they affected to let him ‘escape’, armed with a joke map of the area east of the Nile.

Anyway, that’s enough historical information for one day. I trust you have all benefited from it.

It’s the bloody Quakers I feel sorry for. Sitting for an hour or so on those bloody benches, praying fervently that you won’t be cornered by that Waite fellow after the meeting. What a way to spend a Sunday morning. Pacifism has its price.

15 comments:

Richard said...

Glad to see the Telegraph keeping its readers up to date with the happening stories of the age.

Frontier Editor said...

Now's as good a time as any to drag out this hoary old chestnut . . .

Why do Baptists abhoe sex? Because it leads to dancing.

Frontier Editor said...

abhor, abhor.

This is why one should stay out of the editing profession - I've been up since 4:30 a.m. Monday.

iwnvcr - what my son said at age three when I asked where his sandwich was.

Vicus Scurra said...

Feel free to drag out your old chestnuts here any time, old friend.

Dave said...

The story was in The Times a day or two ago. I was waiting to see which blogger would pick it up. You were my prime suspect - I just knew it would appeal.

Sharon J said...

I don't like all that sitting up and standing down lark either. It's no good for my bunions.

Richard said...

Waiteing for (geddit?). That would be the popular play starring Messrs Waite and McCarthy as Vladivar and Oestrogen. Written by famous cricket loving French domiciled Irishman, Samuel Beckmeister Fuller-Pilch.

Vladivar: He's not coming.
Oestrogen: Timed out!

Cast to sit in dustbins for 20 minutes listening to a never ending tape of Test Match Special.

Next Week: The 1986 Ashes series by Eugene Ionescu.

realdoc said...

I was unfortunate enough to attend some dinner or other where Mr. Waite was the guest speaker. He droned on and on for hours causing all right-thinking people to stick forks in their thighs and try to remove their eyeballs with a spoon just to get out of the room.

Frontier Editor said...

Now that you've figured out why the C of E was so flush with cash after Waite's release . . . .

Vicus Scurra said...

Yes, realdoc, one can only conclude that his captors in Lebanon had no English, or they would have got rid of him one way or another, probably suggested that they swap him for someone interesting like Peter Ustinov.

ziggi said...

I tell you this terrible joke to save Fronty the trouble -
A man walked into the ladies department in John Lewis. He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said. "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife"

"What type of bra?" asked the assistant.

"Type?" inquires the man "There is more than one type?"

"Look around," said the assistant, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras"

Confused, the man asked what were the types.

The assistant replied "The Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?"

Still confused the man asked, "What is the difference between them?"

The lady responded "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.

raincoaster said...

Someone really cruel needs to give Waite a copy of the Screwtape Letters.

Frontier Editor said...

What a wonderful commentary on Christianity , Ziggi!

I bet I could tell that one at the next Rotary Club meeting and leave everyone pondering the punch line in silent befuddlement.

There's also a Pentecostal version that lets one shake all over the room.

Anonymous said...

I did a link to you. Something happened to the bit where I copied your URL. Instead, I inserted into the code this line: Meanwhile, the mothers and older sisters are doing the

- barista

Vicus Scurra said...

Barista. Thank you. Please refer to me whenever you have issues with mothers and sisters.