Wednesday, October 04, 2006

In an exciting new development, scientists have discovered some planets that orbit their sun in between 1 and 4 days.

I am obliged to my friends at BBC News for this information.

I have been waiting some time for someone to do something about the tardy trajectory of our home planet. For those of us living in the non central parts of the planet it means that we have to endure at least six months of cold weather, or about 45 John Motson football commentaries. In an age where we are capable of cosseting ourselves in comfort, it is clearly unacceptable that we should be dependent on something as random as some ill-conceived laws of ‘physics’ in order to feel warm and enjoy some fresh air. I have scoured the agenda of the conferences of our leading political parties, and neither of them has anything to say about speeding up a bit. I am tired of having to wait from August to May to find that Chelsea have won the championship again, and that my teams in the Telegraph fantasy league have failed to excite.

This is not all. If we lived on these planets, and assuming some pompous Newton did not foul things up with their silly laws, our life expectancy would be about 7000 years. At 55, I would be just beginning my education with the happy years of puberty to look forward to, and the prospect of all of the exciting activities of teenage ahead of me. There would not be just 8 summers of teenage, but 800. Admittedly, they would be somewhat shorter, but the six weeks school holidays did tend to drag a bit.

I shall be following the Liberal Democrat conference with more than normal interest to see what they have to offer in the light of this news. Come on, Charlie Mingus, my vote is within your grasp.

18 comments:

Richard said...

You missed it though, it was in Manchester a couple of weeks ago, or was I hallucinating? It's bad enough keeping track of the county championship as it is but to hold it over three days would be hard. It may enourage some more attacking spin bowling and some imaginative field placing.

Richard said...

Beg pardon, it were Brighton in September.

Kyahgirl said...

7000 years of dreaming up posts for the blog? Clearly, you are nuts.

Pamela said...

Mmmm.... 7000 years with Johnny Depp. 7000 years of chocolate and shopping for shoes....

I think you're on to something here vicus.

Dyna Girl said...

Math Guy, huh?

Frontier Editor said...

Pam,

As diverse and challenging an actor Johnny Depp may be, I'm still leery of watching in more than 212-earth minute stretches.

But, as I'm sure Vicus will ponder briefly and have a stroke over, Ken Dodd will be for all practical purposes one of the Immortals . . .

Vicus Scurra said...

Richard - yes - it happened and no-one noticed.
FE - Ken Dodd is immortal in all known universes. Have you ever been immortalised, missus?

vevmu - standard unit of speed on planets who orbit their sun in less than 2 weeks.

Dave said...

7,000 Christmasses. 700,000 mince pies forced upon me at various carol services etc.

And, as Richard says, the flip side to a shorter football season is also a limited length of appropraite weather for cricket.

realdoc said...

4 day years are all very well, but how long are the days on these planets?

ziggi said...

I think this might do something to the gravity and we all have to be very short and fat to cope - even Johnny Depp

Frontier Editor said...

Vicus,

I'm concerned that your sojourn as a North Carolina sex goddess may have left you slightly sprained and a little too mellow. Is there anything we can do to restore some of that wonderful edginess? At least anything that won't require anythin too awfully unnatural?

Cherrypie said...

But surely you've noticed that the years do indeed speed up the older you get. That can't be just me.

And if Ziggi is right, I am already perfectly evolved

Vicus Scurra said...

FE. I was not aware that my edginess has gone, but if you mean that I should write something abrasive, then I might find it in me to do that, although I don't usually do requests.
Before we move off of the topic of accountancy, I am going to break one of my rules and write about something that happened at my place of employment a few weeks ago, just to show how brilliantly witty I am.
I was one of the recipients of a document, on which we were asked to comment or correct. The head of finance said that he thought it was fine and that he had nothing to add or subtract. I sent him an email to the effect of "you have nothing to add or subtract? what is the accounts department doing then?".(geddit?)

Frontier Editor said...

On balance, I'm glad you're back in voice (get it?)

tom909 said...

So does this mean it will all be over in even less time then? Is that a good thing?
Or are you saying it will take the same amount of time, but it will just be divided up into shorter bits.
It's a bit like trying to work out how big the world is - what do you use as your benchmark. I've never been able to get my head around that.

Vicus Scurra said...

Tom, Tom, Tom, as I am always explaining to you, you cannot get your head round the world, because the world is bigger than your head. This is the reason that your mind cannot understand existence. (Yoga for Twats 101). Stop struggling with comprehension and just be. Skip merrily around your fields, singing "Hello" to your sheep, and greeting fellow humans with a warm smile and a hug.

tom909 said...

Oh Vicus, if only twere so easy. I have a space where my heart should be, and daily it has to be filled with love.
By the way you were the one who brought up the subject we are discussing - are you saying I am a little on the simple side and would perhaps be best advised to avoid philosophical complexity.

Vicus Scurra said...

Tom.
Yes.