Thursday, October 19, 2006


As Mr Tomkinson doubled up in pain, the queen pointed out that the next time that he mentioned that she looked like princess Michael of Kent, it would be his nuts that got squeezed.

And she would stick a turnip up his arse.

22 comments:

raincoaster said...

Ooooh, looks like he's ready for Part II already!

Geoff said...

To add insult to injury the corgi's pissing on his trousers.

Frontier Editor said...

I almost forgot to add my slightly off-topic black radish account.

I haven't been able to find anything on the web to confirm this, which also delights me becaise it confirms my opinion of the source. But here goes . . .

An English professor who taught a sexuality in literatire course at my college also established an informal "Black Radish Society" for members of each class in which they partook (orally) of the delicacy. Supposedly, the professor taught, one of the penalties administered under Roman law for adultery was anal insertion of a black radish (kind of the 8 pounder artillery round of the radish family, or a turnip-sized radish if you will).

The black radish was (A) rather difficult to remove, and (B) rather more pungent than your normal radish and prone to cause extreme sensory discomfort as well.

vnnsclrr: possible a good approximation of the sounds associated with the above.

realdoc said...

We had a shelf in the pathology department at med school containing things that had been removed from arses, hoover nozzles, hamster skeletons, that sort of thing. I seem to remember there was a turnip there, or was it a radish?

Vicus Scurra said...

FE your erudition is an oasis in a desert of dullness.
Realdoc, please confirm that your question was intended to be rhetorical. I am fairly sure that neither me nor my readers (aMToNW) would be able to answer the question, being familiar with neither the arse nor the root vegetable at issue.

Frontier Editor said...

Vicus,

While I'm humbled by your compliment, it still worries me deeply (in a purely psychological sense) that I carry around such information for rapid deployment.

Especially since I happen to have this bit of urban lore at my disposal as well:

http://www.snopes.com/risque/homosex/gerbil.asp

When one of my journalistic acquaintances wondered what the alleged victim in th eabove tale said, I replied handily: "Drop 20 and fire for effect. Read the above and you'll understand.

If Adam's reading, it's an artillery joke son, a joke!

Frontier Editor said...

Errata (Adam: that means, loosely, corrections)

beCAUSE

literaTURE

possiBLY

Frontier Editor said...

And in a gesture toward Adam's preventative education . . . .

http://www.well.com/user/cynsa/bulb.html

Excerpt: ". . . the patient was taken to the operating room. He was placed in a face-down position with his hips elevated. The buttocks were separated and held apart by a circular metal ring. With the aid of malleable retractors in the rectum, the electric bulb was visualized, but it was not possible to get a gloved finger over the maximum diameter of the bulb."

Just reading this makes me walk funny. I'm going to go lie down.

First Nations said...

you go, liz.
kicks ass AND looks good doing it. although i will never forgive her for reintroducing boucle' to an ill-prepared world, i must admit i need that hat.
only blocked alpaca.
in charcoal grey.
lose the feather.


oh fuck the hat.

First Nations said...

...NOOOOOOOOOO
not the radish!
I take it back!
it was only a figure of speech!
*runs*

Vicus Scurra said...

Thank you, FE, for the anal references. I am sure we now all know as much as is necessary.
FN, thank you. Boucle. I had never heard of it. Each day brings new joy as I expand my knowledge and find new miracles to wonder at in this great creation.

Sheryl said...

I think maybe the honorable Mr. T. has emptied the contents of his lunch on the sidewalk because of that ghastly pink plaid suit. Liz, don't you watch "What Not To Wear?"

raincoaster said...

My god, I thought *I* was drunk last night.

FE: with you southerners everything is about race, isn't it? Black radishes are indeed larger, and can be painful indeed if you haven't got enough lube.

Frontier Editor said...

Rain,

In ths particular instance and several others, I'm quite happy and proud not to have have had any experience with this aspect of sexuality and salad garnish.

Frontier Editor said...

And whether the radish was white, black, or ahy other color, creed, gender or political orientation, I'd still have the heebie jeebies about its proximity anywhere south of my oral cavity.

Carmenzta said...

ERRATA

"the above"

"aNy other"

You guys, it's just a veggie...

Vicus Scurra said...

FE - Buenos Aires?
Carmentza. I think that were it inserted painfully in the manner alluded to, it would be more than "just a veggie" to most of us.

Frontier Editor said...

Hmmm, Vicus, a cure for Peronism perhaps?

homo escapeons said...

Bastard had it coming.

I was delighted to read in realdoc's matter of fact observation that anal probing is still the unalterable ground zero for medical students to unravel the true miracle of what distended colons are capable of handling..truly a marvel of engineering and a virtual bottomless pit for wry anecdotes about the mystery of Life.

Surely nothing will ever replace the guaranteed smiles at the mere sound of the word sphincter...
which shall remain the rosetta stone of all high spirited tomfoolery in the hallowed halls of medicine, such as it is, until the end of days.

Vicus Scurra said...

HE. Bottomless pit?

raincoaster said...

FE: you think if it's only oral then you can tell yourself you're not on the down low?

Frontier Editor said...

Well, it is difficult to turn a radish into a thing of oral depravity, I would think.

But then again, I suppose one man's radish could well be another man's . . . . whatever