Thursday, April 05, 2007

It is not, as you will know, my normal practice to comment on news items that feature unfortunate individuals, and to use this forum as a front for ridicule.

I will make an exception in the case of a dentist from Yorkshire whose sad little history has been brought to my attention by those nice people at BBC news.

The gentleman in question has been found guilty of cleaning his fingernails and ears with his instruments, prior to using them to probe the cavities of the good citizens of Batley. (i.e. he used his instruments, not his fingernails and ears, to probe the cavities, let us be clear about this).

It is not, as you will know, my normal practice to comment on the lifestyle choices of my fellow humans, and I leave it to less compassionate commentators to say that those choosing to live in Yorkshire have only themselves to blame.

The star of this news story completed his performance as described by one of his nurses.

"How do you tell your employer that you've just seen him urinate in the sink?" she said.

Mr Hutchinson had claimed he had been cleaning his teeth at the sink as part of his normal routine.

For those of you not conversant with care of dentures, I should point out that there are many proprietary cleansers available at your local pharmacy, and pissing on them is not recommended. (i.e it is recommended that you piss neither on your dentures nor the proprietary cleaners nor your local pharmacy.) If such practices appeal to you, I will not sit in judgement. You daft bastard.

What, then, should you expect from a national health service dentist in this age of new labour? I really cannot say. I would just advise keeping your eyes open, no matter how sharp the instruments look, because that antiseptic rinse might not be within the boundaries of acceptability, no matter how impressive the aim.

I am driven to lower the tone here somewhat, because I have met my match when it comes to poetry on the internet. This morning’s offering from my new friend Reg (sorry to keep going on about him, I expect he has many serious defects in real life), made me laugh more than anything I have ever read on the internet. It may not do the same for you, but I defy anyone not to find it funny. Of course, if I tab across to BBC news and find that Thatcher has died, I may have to revise that judgement. If I find that she has been eaten slowly to death by rats then “may” will become “will”.

23 comments:

Dave said...

I read this story in The Times. I think we need the sue of the word 'alegedly' somewhere there.

Dave said...

'use', not 'sue', obviously. Although if the tribunal finds in his favour, and he reads this blog, it may be a word in use.

Vicus Scurra said...

No, Dave, he has been struck off. So we can say what we like about him.
I will not point out the typos in your little missive there, that would be cruel.

Anonymous said...

All that effort I put into cheering up my patients and do they call me Happy Hutchinson? No! When I think of the money I spent on cosmetic surgery and am I Handsome Hutchinson? No! Does years of dispensing homeopathic dental advice not entitle me to be nicknamed Herbal Hutchinson? No!
I make one, tiny, lousy hygienic mistake and my life is ruined.

Yours,

Reg "Halitosis" Hutchinson.

Dave said...

Can you use (or sue) your powers of persuasion to get Blogger to install a spellchecker on the comments column?

I always forget to proof read before pressing 'publish'. Annoying when I tak such pains over my blog - as you clearly do too, and then I go and spoil it all by posting illiterate comments.

Dave said...

Er, 'Take'.

foilwoman said...

Gosh, British dentistry is even worse than it is reported to be here. My condolences (said with a toothy smile).

Richard said...

Piss is sterile, where's the problem?

Vicus Scurra said...

No problem Richard. Oh, by the way, I will have to postpone calling round for afternoon tea.

Pamela said...

This explains a lot about the state of the dentistry in England.

::runs off giggling::

KAZ said...

I used to chew dental chewing gum appropriately named 'Endekay'.
One of the ingredients was 'urea' -so perhaps that dentist knew what he was doing.

I, like the view said...

*smiles sweetly at Vicus*

First Nations said...

...ok. i'm done with the erasers. now what do you want me to do?

hello?


sir?


*wanders off in tears, forgotten*

by the way if you were nice i'd tell you that was funny but you aren't and its NOT.
*stamps feet, bursts into loud sobs*

ziggi said...

As register taker I have to tell you some people have not been attending as regularly as they should.

What am I supposed to do about that?

Mr. X said...

I've got a note to explain my absence, ziggi...
Glad it wasn't for going to the dentist, though.

After all, we all knew that NHS dentists take the piss, now we know that they provide it as well.

foilwoman said...

Ziggi: As register taker you should first slap Vicus upside the head (I never understood what that meant, but it feels good to tell someone to do that) and tell him if he wants people to attend he should darn well post more frequently. Four days since the Pissing Dentists of Great Britain post. Does he think nothing of his loyal (or faithless as heck) public?

Vicus: You think you have more important things to do than write for us? Get over yourself and post already. Thank you.

raincoaster said...

I wasn't supposed to do anything, so I'm right on schedule.

Jane said...

You do like taking the piss, don't you?

foilwoman said...

Not that this is news at all to anyone here, but as a blogger, Vicus is a lazy git. I really need more time wasting reading so that I can focus on my own lazy gitness.

First Nations said...

...ok fine, you are funny. i am sorry. dont' feel bad. i am childish and petty and i suck. come back already.
please.
*grovel*

Foilwoman said...

FN, he's dissing us. He posted again without humbly acknowledging the error of his ways and begging our forgiveness. I think between the two of us we could take that British Stiff Upper Lip and make him cry like a baby. He's too used to these British women who worry more about making a scene that about the clearly more important task of discipline. By which, of course, I mean him saying "Yes, First Nations, it was wrong, very wrong of me to go so long without postings. I humbly beg your forgiveness and please may I pay for your next tattoo." Begin as you intend to continue and all that.

Vicus: Really. I'm a cranky, broke, recently-divorced-from-an-insane-ex-husband (who seems, the more I think about it to resemble you) woman. And I'm six feet tall (well, really 5'11, but since, in my experience a man who says he is 5'11 is really 5'7, exaggerating by one inch is nuthin'). Just give up now. Thank you.

Vicus Scurra said...

When you pretty young things have caught up on all of your gossip - whatever it is you are chattering about, no one is listening - trot off to the kitchen and catch up with the washing up, and make me a nice cup of coffee while you are there - there's a good girl.

Foilwoman said...

Since it's your kitchen, I'm presuming it's British coffee, which ranks right up there with British dentistry. I'll pass. But bring me some of those nice digestive biscuits with the chocolate filling next time you come to the States.