Pissup of the year, anyone?

I have taken the extraordinarily militant step of writing to the editor of the Telegraph:

Sir,

I note with sadness that you have failed to learn the lesson from a news story that has been widely reported in the popular press over the last few days, to do with the publicising of private celebrations. On the one hand we are presented with sad images of a home wrecked by uninvited guests, and on the other your respected organ announces to the world that the Pope will be shortly celebrating a birthday party.

I hope that he finds it in his heart to forgive you if gangs of drug-addled archbishops destroy his nice home. I shall make it my business to inspect the premises after the celebrations, and if I find any evidence of chalices soiled with vomit, inappropriate urination or graffiti in the Sistine chapel, I shall hold you responsible.

Yours

Vicus Scurra

I resisted the temptation to be verbose. I shall keep you informed about the progress of my campaign.